Speech by Neil

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neil
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Stand up with arms open wide and take in appreciation of audience (Louise, Hel and Daz should be applauding)

Well that's not the first time today I've stood from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Firstly I'd like to introduce myself my name is Neil what u drinkin and I am Simon's best man, you'll find me at the bar later.

Mr Stuffin if you are running a book can you put me down for 82 minutes.

Actually a wise man did tell me that the speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love,so I bid you good afternoon and thank you

On behalf of the bridesmaids and page boy I'd like to thank Simon for his kind words, I thought it was going to be tough following a speech by Simon and I was right, I couldn't understand a single word of it.

Carolyn, Bethany and Matthew do indeed look wonderful and I'm sure you will agree they performed their roles splendidly. It's been such an emotional day that even the wedding cake was in tears.

Id just like to say that Tina looks absolutely stunning and Simon …………..well mate you look absolutely stunned.

When Simon asked me if I wanted to go and see All Saints today I thought GREAT we were on for a fun day out with Nic Nat and shazney. Little did I realise All Saints was a church and I was on my way to a wedding.

I was both delighted and honoured when Simon asked me to be best man though I must confess to being a bit nervous as I stand here before you. However my dad once gave me a tip, he said son just imagine your entire audience is naked.

Scan the audience and grimace at a few people.
Turn to Shrubs dad – Jesus, you should get some ointment on that Brian
Pass over cream and rubber gloves.
To wife – I'll see you later.

While I was writing this speech I looked into one of those best man guides and discovered I had a little check list of things to do;

1. Make sure the grooms hair and face are in order. Turn to Simon – Well mate if god couldn't get it right what chance have I got.
2. Keep any ex girlfriends away from the church – that one was pretty easy as the mad cow out break took care of them.
3. I am sorry Carolyn but it never mentioned anything about bridesmaids and cornflake boxes

Well Simon you came into this world on the 29th December 1971
Your dad tells me that you were quite an ugly baby in fact the midwife slapped your mum.

During your youth Brian tells me you showed great promise in wood work, especially chopping down half of Saughall for your famous bonfires. Apparently your neighbours were not too happy when you chopped their gates down. I wondered how you built that lovely new kitchen!

When we were waiting at the church today I asked Tina's mum about some stories from Tina's childhood. She said “nothing seems to have changed really , 29 years ago she was putting Tina to bed with a dummy, HERE WE GO AGAIN”

Now for those of you who don't know, loves young dream first met in Cinderella Rockeffella's teenage disco, Simon tells me he had gone out looking for the ugly sisters and came back with Cinderella.

Unfortunately they decided on a trial separation as Simon had to devote himself entirely to his second love Everton F.C. ,after all 1985 was a championship year and you don't see many of them at Goodison Park. During this separation period Simon was convinced that Tina was following him, his actual words were that he had a big stalker.

They next bumped into each other on one of mine and Simons quiet nights out at a little exclusive club we used to frequent , named Brannigans.
On our way home we saw some mad woman leering at us threw the curtains of the Step In India, our Simons heart pounded , was this his Cinderella or was it his Rockafella , I'm not quite sure. Simon was in like a shot saying he fancied a takeaway. All I got was a curry but he came out with a bit of Welsh rarebit.

Things moved along nicely between them, then on Holiday In Acapulco our Simon bent down to tie his shoelace and here we are today.

I was expecting Norris Mcguirther here today as this wedding has broken all records for stag and hen parties, from Llandudno to Las Vegas , I enjoyed them all (wink)

I would like to say a few words about the stag nite but Simons's solicitor has advised caution until the court case next month. However I have been in contact with the RSPCA and the donkey and the duck are doing fine

Simon did wage a few dollars on the tables of Vegas but to no avail. NO problem your luck is definitely in today mate you've backed a sure winner

You have found someone who is caring, sharing, beautiful, intelligent and generous.

Tina you have found…………..well you have found Simon

In my little pocket guide it mentioned three important parts of today's service

1) Aisle – the longest walk you will ever take
2) Altar – the place where two become one
3) Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Tina must have read the same book because when she was walking up the aisle I'm sure I heard her whispering, Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle alter hymn

Well Simon and Tina joking apart you truly are great friends and have made my world a better place, life is certainly never dull with the Shrubbs around.

I ‘d just like to read a couple of messages

We have one from Paul Sanders, the lovely airline steward on the Vegas flights, it reads “ goodluck sweetcheeks I'll never forget you

Ones just come in from the lads at Simon's football team, Good Luck Tina we have tried him in every position and found him useless, hope you have more success

Ladies and gentle man, boys and girls and stezza .It gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise Your glasses to Simon and Tina as I am sure everyone would like to wish them good health, happiness and a wonderful life together.

Ladies and gentlemen
THE BRIDE AND GROOM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!