Speech by Neville Wood

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Neville Wood
Speech Date: Apr 2002
Announcements
Hotel Safety Announcement – could you please refrain from jumping on the tables and chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech.

Also, one for Gavin U****, it's getting late so your taxi will be here in 15 minutes.

Introduction
I'm Neville and I'm Andrew's older brother. On behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Andrew for his kinds words. I do agree that they look fantastic and did a great job today.

I'd like to offer my congratulations to Andrew and Stephanie on their big day. They look so happy together – let's just hope they're as happy once this speech is finished.

Thanks to Mr & Mrs C. for organising today. People probably don't appreciate the amount of work that goes into arranging something like this, me included but they've done a great job.

Thanks also to my mum and dad for all their help and for the love and support that they've given Andy and I over the years. They were actually going to have a larger family but after seeing Andy for the first time, they didn't want to take the risk.

I'd like to thank Andy for asking me to be his best man. It really is an honour and I'm very proud to be here. Although if he hadn't chosen me, mother would have killed him.

Thanks also to all of the guys who came on the Stag weekend. I had a great time and hope that you enjoyed yourself even if I did win the go-carting. I'll never forget the millenium bridge in Newcastle when we saw that big fat guy running across it with just his boots on. (look at groom)

TELEGRAMS

Traditionally my speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love . . . so thank you and goodnight.

Marriage
So we are her to celebrate the marriage of Andy and Stephanie. Marriage is a very important part of society. In fact Groucho Marx stated that “Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution.

Marriage is something that should not be entered into lightly and judging by Andy's waistline, there's no chance of that.

The marriage ceremony contains the phrase “for better or for worse” and this is appropriate because Andy couldn't do any better and Stepahnie couldn't do any worse. After all, she's just fulfilled her dad's worst nightmare and married someone on the dole. Mr C. is actually suffering from a wee bit of déjà vu as about 25 years ago he also sent Stephanie off to bed with a dummy.

Traditional
This is a very Traditional Wedding with Stephanie wearing white and Andy wearing the kilt. This also indicates a sign of things to come. For Stephanie, she is wearing white as all kitchen appliances should match. And Andrew is wearing the kilt because he has to get used to not wearing the trousers in this relationship.

For those of you here that are not familiar with the kilt, each tartan represents a different clan. To find out which clan the kilt belongs to, just look under the kilt and if you see a quarter-pounder then its MacDonald tartan.

In fact, Andy was approached at New Year by an American lady who was curious as to what Scotsmen wore under their kilts. “Well”, replied Andy, “I have a perch for 12 budgies under there if you know what I mean.” The lady couldn't hide her curiousity and had a quick peak. “He's right”, she said, “there is a perch for 12 budgies but only if they were one on top of the other and the bottom one was standing on one leg”

Andy & Stephanie
The first time I heard of Stephanie was when Andy was at Napier University. He'd gone away on a team building weekend with the University and had given Stephanie the key to his Halls of Residence room so that she could borrow his video. Well, when he came back, she had cleaned his room, done his washing and then ironed it all. After that I think that his mind was made up that Stephanie was the girl for him, even though it took 7 years to get here – he's always been slow at doing things but we'll come back to that later.
But they finally made it to the altar but only just. Andy and Stephanie weren't talking earlier in the week. Andy said that he hadn't said a word to Stephanie for 5 days – well, he didn't like to interrupt.

So the nervous part of the day is over for everyone except me. But Andy's nerves haven't really bothered him and last night, he slept like a baby – by that I mean that he woke up crying every two hours screaming for his mum, begging for something to eat and wetting the bed.

Andy – Embarrassing
One task that a best man has is to tell embarrassing stories about the groom. Well I've thought about these and there really aren't that many. I could mention ex – girlfriends but they were wiped out during the Foot and Mouth epidemic.

One story was when Andy and I were in the chemist when he was about 15 picking up a prescription. He noticed that there were condoms on the serving counter as we waited in the queue and asked me why there were packs of 3, 6 and 12. Well I replied, the 3 are for when you are 18 for a Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. The 6 and for when you are 21, one on a Thursday night, two on a Friday night, two on a Saturday night and one on a Sunday morning. What about the twelve he asked? Well I said, these are for when you are married, one for January, one for February . . .

I thought about any nicknames that Andy has had over the years but the only one that sticks out is “Big Ear”. That's because Andy has one big ear and one huge ear. Although I know that Stephanie has a nickname for Andy … she calls him her Melancholy Baby . . . because he's got a head like a melon and a face like a colly.

The last thing that I can think of to embarrass Andy is ……… yes Andy, you've guessed it, the paddling pool incident – however, I'll let you ask Andy about that one later in the evening. Or, you can buy me a pint and I'll tell you myself.

Andy – Slow
Andy is a clever guy who did well at school and got a degree at Uni. But sometimes you have to wonder about him. For example, I remember this story about Andy. One of my dad's pals (Alan H. – sitting on table 5 scoffing all the booze) phoned the house looking for dad. “Can I speak to your dad please Andy?” asked Alan. “He's in the garage” replied Andy, “I'll tell him you called”. “If he's in the garage, could you tell him it's me and I'll just wait” said Alan. “Fine” answered Andy. After a while waiting Alan decided to hang up. He later called back and got my dad, asking if Andy had forgotten to tell him that Alan was on the phone. However, it turned out that when Andy said dad was “in the garage”, he meant that dad was away down the road to put petrol in the car and was gone over 20 minutes.

Comparisons
Some comparisons jumped out at me when I was writing this speech during the meal.

One that came to mind was that a newly married couple can be compared to a good wine. The man starts off like a grape that needs to be stamped on for a while until he matures into something that you enjoy having at dinner. The women starts off fresh, fruity and intoxicating, becoming full bodied in middle age and then turns into something sour and vinegary that gives you a bad headache.

Andy – now there's lots of things that you could compare him to but I instantly thought of God – you never see him, he's holier than thou and if he does a bit of work it's a miracle.

The last comparison I have is linked to the Grand National. Don't worry, the comparisons are to the horses names before you minds go racing ahead. And these are genuine horses that ran in todays race. For Stephanie there are three horses that describe her today – Beau, You're A GoodUn and Supreme Charm. I was really struggling to find one for Andy and then I spotted it. Number 16, 9-1 second favourite Blowing Wind. Suprisingly enough it was just above number 18 Wicked Crack but I'll move swiftly on.

Announcements
Lastly, a quick announcement for Andy and Stephanie. I know you were getting a new carpet delivered today but the company have called and said that the carpet won't be delivered until tomorrow morning but don't worry, you'll get your underfelt tonight.

Finale
One thing to remember Andy & Stephanie is that “the perfect partner is not someone you can live with, it's someone you can't live without”

So Ladies and Gentlemen, my last task before I can really enjoy a drink is to propose a toast, so if you would be upstanding. The bride and groom.