Speech by Nicholas Bettaccini

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nicholas Bettaccini
Speech Date: Apr 2001
Lee was proudly saying last night that he was going to last 63 minutes today. 60 minutes longer than usual then mate………Rosie will be pleased!!!!

Good afternoon everybody and thank you all for coming.

Before I start, and on behalf of the brides maids, I would just like to thank Lee for his kind words. As I am sure you will agree, the brides maids are looking particularly wonderful today.

The hair by Nicky Clark
The dresses from Simpsons of Piccadilly
And the foundation from B&Q!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, for those of you who don't know me, I am Nick, Lee's best man. This speech I hope will serve as an introduction to Lee for those of you who don't know him and will tell the story of his life up to the present day. As I am sure you will appreciate, certain elements of his past have had to be edited from this speech to ensure that it is appropriate for the day and so not to cause distress. Well, that's what I told Lee!!!!!

In choosing his best man, I understand from Rosie that Lee went through a long and rigorous selection process. He wanted someone:

Loyal;
Trustworthy;
Reliable;

But most importantly he wanted someone ar…….tic…….u…….la……te!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Personally I think I was the only one in that night in October when Lee called as it certainly came as a surprise, and I can only compare being asked to be best man like being asked to sleep with the Queen mother……..it's a great honour, but I really don't want to do it!!!!

Lee was born in Sunderland on 13th March 1969…..and by sheer coincidence, shortly after his birth saw the introduction of free family planning on the NHS!!!!!!!!!! Lee was a fun loving and happy child, always smiling mischievously, getting most fun from taking the tyres off toy cars. How little did he know that many years later he would again be trying to remove a tyre off, that being the one around his waist so he can fit into his wedding suit.

Unfortunately I didn't know Lee during his school years, but I'm reliably told that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled at in most subjects.

Sorry that should read:

“he was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!!!

Fortunately, whilst investigating Lee's school days, I came across a number of school reports and I have a couple of extracts for you:

CDT – Although very keen, Lee has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimentres!!!!!!

Religious Education Lee's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins!!!!!!

Music – Lee takes a very hands on approach to music, but I wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than with himself.

Lee moved from Sunderland to Windsor at the age of 15 and instantly became very popular with the local girls because of his broad northern accent, boyish good looks and BIG……………pto PERSONALITY.

He had ambitions of being a police officer when he left school but with no recruitment in the south, he looked for a job that would act as a stop-gap. He took a job with Marks & Spencers in Windsor, working in the produce department as soon escalated to the dizzy heights of produce supervisor. Regularly, the local housewives of Windsor would comment of the firmness of his plums, but he was dogged by that age old comment “haven't you got anything bigger”?!!!!!!!!

Lee eventually left M&S to join Boots as a security guard and it was there that he and Rosie met.

I have looked far and wide for examples of good advice for the happy couple, and in my search came across a book called “The Good Wife Guide”. I did look for the male equivalent but was told there was no such thing!!!

I shall read a couple of extracts from this 1960’s production and I'm sure you will agree that taking heedance from such a guide will stand the happy couple in good stead for the future!!!!!!:

“When your husband returns home from work, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his!!!!!”

“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”

“Once you have both retired to the bed room, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the up most importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train!!!!”

“Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night!!!!!”

“When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. It is likely that your husband will then fall asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair products”!!!!

I'm sure that at least 50% of us hear would agree with this sound advice!!!

Stag Weekend

I wasn't going to say anything about the stag weekend, but I feel that some of the events that took place that weekend just have to be mentioned.

It was made very clear to me by both Rosie and Lee what would happen if Lee was stripped naked and either tied or handcuffed, and after discussing this with the other lads we decided that is wasn't for us to get involved in what Rosie & Lee do in their private lives!!!!

The stag weekend destination was Blackpool, but it was touch and go whether we would actually get there as, after picking up our transport for the weekend, the groom was promptly stopped by the Police for speeding. Fortunately his quick talking, cheeky charm and warrant card persuaded the officers to let him go on his way.

After major delays on the M6 we eventually arrived at our luxury accommodation. Well I say luxury, but I'm sure none of the others will agree, especially as on the Saturday afternoon, half the ceiling in the bar collapsed!!!!!

As best man it was my responsibility to ensure that the groom had the best possible time without getting into any serious trouble, so as I'm sure you can imagine I didn't drink, leave the grooms side, and was certainly always first to bed!!!!!!!!!!

Some of the lads decided that they wanted souvenirs from the weekend, and I am pleased to say that I have some of the here today:

Mel managed to collect this sexy little number from Lesley of Luton;

Stuart, and don't ask me how, managed to get these from Peter of Preston; and

Lee, our beloved groom, managed to get these from Elaine, who is reportedly well known in Leeds, Bradford, Wakefield, Bingley and Sheffield!!!!!!!

On the subject of souvenirs, if there is any hotel staff around, you may wish to keep an eye on your fire extinguishers as the groom does has a habit of collecting them, as the Moat House Hotel in Shepperton found to their cost!!!!!!!!

Cards

3 cards – one from anybody

– one from the girls from the stag night

Dear Big Boy (are you sure this is for you?!!!)

Sending you best wishes on your wedding day from Blackpool. (you remember Blackpool?!!!)

You certainly made an impression on us, we hope we didn't leave any impressions on you!!!!

All the best

from

– one from the local football team

When Lee moved to Farnborough he decided that he would try and keep fit so he joined the local football team. He has obviously made a lasting impression on them, so much so that they have sent you a card here today.

Dear Rosie and Lee

Congratulations on this very special day. We are sure you are looking forward to your first night together as man and wife and so have this special message for you.

We have found Lee useless in every position, so Rosie, we hope you have more luck!!!!

Best Wishes

From all the boys

Final

There are obviously 2 very important people here today, who we all have the up most respect for and quite honestly with whom we could not do without. At some stage of the evening we will all be with them, sharing with them this special day, and if you would all stand for me now I would like to make a toast to them:

The barstaff!!!!!!!!

Absent Friends

For those that are, for a number of reasons, not able to be with us today would you please all stand and drink a toast to ABSENT FRIENDS.

Absent friends

Final Final

Lee, you have found in Rosie someone kind………caring and………considerate. Someone who will love and cherish the many happy years together you have ahead of you.

Rosie………you've found Lee!!!!…………..someone equally caring………and loving………….Someone who will be loyal………and thoughtful……….Someone who you can confide in and trust.

Rosie, you deserve a good husband and we are all so very please that you have married Lee before you find one!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Toast

Would you all please stand for a toast to the bride and groom.

Rosie and Lee

I'm sure a number of you here today have been a best man a wedding before, but I wander how many of you have ever received guidelines for the bride to be?!!!! This is an e-mail that Rosie sent me in January but I only read it yesterday!!!!

Nick,

I was very pleased when Lee asked you to be best man at our wedding and knew by selecting you he had made the right decision. We have both known you for some time now and we cannot think of anybody taller, darker or better looking to fulfill this part.

As we get close to the wedding day I'm sure you appreciate the stress that we are both under, ensuring that all arrangements have been checked and double checked to make the day run smoothly, but there is two areas that do cause me concern, your speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at the groom, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day:

Remember at all times that my family is there
Remember at all times that Lee's family is there
DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT use your fingers when eating
DO NOT take food from anybody else's plate
DO NOT dance
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Lee sing
DO NOT pick your nose
DO NOT talk about Lee's little problem
DO NOT leer at women with lo-cut tops
DO NOT belch
DO NOT harass the bridesmaids
DO NOT let Lee harass the bridesmaids
Make sure you keep your clothes on
Make sure Lee keeps his clothes on
DO NOT let Lee drink port
DO NOT let Lee drink brandy
DO NOT let Lee drink
DO NOT make your speech too long
DO NOT touch the cake
DO NOT let Lee steal anything

but most importantly, enjoy yourself, but not too much!!!!!!!!!!