Speech by Nicholas Ward

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nicholas Ward
Speech Date: Nov2004
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don't know me, my name is BEST MAN and Yes I am the one who drew the short straw today…sorry, I mean given the honour of being GROOM Best Man. Now I am up here to give you a little bit of a background on why BRIDE would put up with GROOM the way she does.

I'd like to start by thanking you all for coming out to VENUE today to celebrate the marriage of GROOM and BRIDE and for helping to make this such a special day for them both. I'd also like to say a special thanks to BRIDESMAID, BRIDE's lovely bridesmaid, who I think you will all agree she has done a great job today and is looking absolutely stunning. As well as this, I'd like to thank all of those that have been involved in making this a memorable day for both GROOM and BRIDE. Special thanks go to the gorgeous little flower-girls, and on behalf of FRIEND [ dates younger girls ], I would like to propose a toast to these beautiful young ladies (NAMES).

However before we begin, I have an issue to raise, it has come to my attention that there is a bet on about the length of the Best Man's speech given my previous performances. I am sure you will all be glad to know that I got wind of this and have put a clean fifty down for 45 minutes, and with the kitty currently standing at only 75 bucks you might as well grab a drink now while I give you the chance. But seriously just to re-assure everyone, and GROOM's FATHER in particular, this speech won't be like GROOM's 21st speech, FRIEND will not be joining me tonight and as you can see I am reading from some prepared notes [ holding them up ] and will refrain from keeping this too long.

I have already spoken with a few of you who have come from far and wide to be here today with GROOM and BRIDE to help celebrate this wonderful occasion. I came up from HOME early this morning and I am aware others came from Sydney, wider New South Wales, Queensland and, BRIDE's sister, NAME, came all the way from Hong Kong especially for today. Now the reason I mention this is because GROOM took out an insurance policy several months ago for tonight's speech and that insurance policy came in the form my parents and sister sitting over on that table. Essentially this policy insures against the telling of any malicious, derogatory or defamatory stories about the groom. So with this in mind, I would like to share a few fonder memories I have about GROOM and in particular how he came to meet BRIDE, or Amos, as I more affectionately know her.

Now, what can I say about GROOM? Or perhaps I should ask, “what can I say about GROOM that won't get him and me into too much trouble?!” There are loads of stories I could relate from our 14-odd years of friendship, but unfortunately the vast majority are certainly not suitable material for a gathering such as this. Alas, I can't say anything about the events that took place at various Century Challenges, nor can I mention GROOM climbing the Casino sails or climbing into bed with friends’ brothers, and frankly, the less said about the time at school when GROOM nearly wrote-off his Dad's Ute perving at girls walking along the footpath, the better! GROOM and I got each other into – and got each other out of – all kinds of trouble and generally looked out for each other. He has in essence been my brother and it's not often I get to thank him for that. I'd also like to thank him for finally admitting that, yes, I am the Best Man.

I must admit it scared me a little when I looked up the meaning of GROOM and BRIDE's Christian names. Apparently BRIDE is Latin for “beloved” which is very fitting and lovely for such a wonderful girl. What is also quite fitting is the Latin for GROOM, meaning “little one” [ pause ]. Now, I was going to make a wedding night bedroom joke about that but it was just way too easy.

One school story I would like to share about GROOM is his discovery of the opposite sex. In about Year 8 or 9 GROOM was once very interested in this one girl from our sister school who use to catch his bus to and from HOME, but I think the only way she would go out with GROOM is if someone also took an interest in her best friend. So one day in Chemistry class GROOM made me write this letter to some mystery girl who I had never spoken to before. The only problem was that I'd forgotten to finish the letter, so GROOM realising the letter was only half-finished desperately tried to finish off the letter while on the bus to pass it onto this poor girl. Now if anyone has seen GROOM's terrible scrawl then they will know that he didn't get away with this, but I like to think that this story shows how far GROOM will go to win over a girl that he likes.

Anyway, fast-forward approximately five years and GROOM has refined his taste and I remember the precise night when GROOM met BRIDE. It was a wet HOME night, I think? [ look at GROOM and BRIDE questioning? ]. GROOM, FRIEND and I met up with FRIEND and some of her friends in a seedy corner of BAR in HOME for a few quiet drinks. Then as a group we headed to the infamous BAR [ Sign a cross whispering “Rest in Peace” ]. Now I would like to say that as we walked in GROOM and BRIDE's eyes met across a crowded room like in the movies but this was impossible near as the place was rather packed, it was noisy with American Pie playing on the jukebox and half-filled with Army cadets with crew-cuts sculling beers and spilling bourbons. Instead I think their eyes actually met across the bar, with GROOM gazing at BRIDE and BRIDE gazing back through the bottom of her pint glass, then realising she'd already put her glass down, and that's what GROOM actually looked like.

Since GROOM and BRIDE met more or less six years ago it's been a pleasure to know of them as a couple. They have always had plenty of time for their dinner guests, hosting parties or just dropping by for a quick beer or 10. Together have been on holidays to Port Macquarie to visit Sue, down the South Coast and most memorably, Fiji. In spending this time with GROOM and BRIDE it has been a pleasure to get to know NICKNAME. She is one of the kindest, most giving, thoughtful and responsible people I know. GROOM, in BRIDE you have truly found someone that is attractive, smart, funny, loving and bloody good at Wheel of Fortune. But above all, her patience stands out to me – to put up with GROOM for this long. I think we'd all agree she must be a Saint. It is true though that BRIDE can hold her own against a drunken irrational Mr GROOM (GROOM that is, not FATHER and BROTHER). I will never forget the time BRIDE tried to run down GROOM in her little beaten up Vee-Dub for doing something typically stupid. But now they share a BMW that close shave might teach GROOM to stay in line for fear of what might happen next time.

Seriously though, it is traditional for the Best Man to berate the groom in this speech, but in GROOM's case this has been difficult as he really is a great mate who has always been loyal and supportive to his friends and family. I know that in BRIDE he has found his life partner and I know they will be truly happy together. I love spending time with both GROOM and BRIDE and look forward to many more happy years of friendship and trips away with them. A wise man once said: “You don't marry someone you can live with – you marry the person who you cannot live without.” And so that is it. I am sure you will be as glad as me that there is no more from me – bar a toast – so if you would all please charge your glasses and be upstanding [ pause for a second ] Ladies and Gentlemen, the toast is the bride and groom… “the bride and groom!”