Speech by Nick Ashworth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Ashworth
Speech Date: oct 2004
Dear all for those of you that don know who the hell I am, my name is nick lovingly known by my friends as ****! And have the great pleasure of being Roy and Emma's best man today. You will be pleased to know that I'm not going to be interrupting your drinking for to long, because of my throat, there's nothing wrong with it, just Emma has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long.

Firstly after reading the only best man tips book could find printed in the seventies, so Roy's hair cut fits in perfectly (hold up book) I would like to thank Roy for his beautiful words that he said about the bridesmaids, I'm sure you will agree that everyone them looks absolutely magnificent, eclipsed only by the lady of the moment, Emma who being absolutely honest here looks unbelievable. Tip number one best mans hand book, get the bride on your side. (Thumbs up at Emma!)You really do look stunning. Roy you really look stunned.

Right where do I start? I met Roy for the first time almost fifteen years ago when music of the moment was acid house! For those of you who don't now what acid house is its crap music where you have to have a stupid long haircut and wear stupid clothes so believe me if you ever see any old photographs of the lads! Trust me we were all martyrs for the cause my own personal style of a raccoon sat on my head which I had for ten bloody years and no one told me how terrible it looked was only topped by Roy's full Louie the sixteenth hairstyle you had to see it, it was amazing, his lovely flowing curly locks, honestly from the back in a certain light he looked quite attractive. We have obviously grown since then and the hairstyles have changed now I sport the very stylish grey tints and Roy has gone for what the hair dressing world call the full blown worzel gummidge

Since meeting Emma I pleased to say Roy hasn't altered one bit he is still the annoying prankster he has always been, and I'm sure there isn't on person in this room today that hasn't been the victim to on of his practical jokes I know I have many times but there's one in particular that springs to mind.
It was back in the mid nineties when once a year all the lads went on the yearly drinking trip to some foreign shores, this particular year we had all gone to malia.
Now I'm the fist to admit that I'm not the most particularly good natured person first thing in the morning, some might even say I'm a bit grumpy, well Roy realised this and immediately started to plot.
His idea of a great laugh was to sneak into my bedroom in the morning while I was fast asleep in a drunken stupor from the night before, place the then popular ghetto blaster next to my head and select the loudest track on the c.d, I think if I remember the song he chose it was one called cotton eye Joe, if you don't know it don't worry it was worse than acid house music. Well you know when you select a song on a c.d you get a 3 to 4 second pause before the music starts well this was ample time for Roy to make his getaway before the music kicked in and I would scream the apartment down after I had pulled my fingers out of the ceiling and try to find the culprit for such a cruel joke. Well of course Roy was always pretending to be asleep or well away from the scene of the crime by this time, and I knew it was him I just couldn't prove it.
Well this very same joke happened for three consecutive days until the tables turned slightly. On the third day Roy's prank went on its smooth course as the previous two days me asleep, ghetto blaster in place, cotton eye Joe selected, but when he turned for his emergency exit by some cruel twist of fate a draft had caused the door to shut behind him, well this wasn't in Roy's plan and panic set in,. He quickly grabbed the door handle but couldn't open it in his flap and before he knew what was happening cotton eye Joe was belting out in my ear hole at 2000 decibels. well you would expect me to be mad wouldn't you expect me to jump on him and take revenge for the previous rude awakenings, but the sight of Roy panic stricken face terror all it looking straight at be desperately yanking at the door handle for escape made me bust out laughing and I couldn't do anything and yet again as always the prankster got away with it , as always. But I wouldn't have him any other way.

The only change he has made is to swap the bright light s and glitz of the city of ********for the more quite and refrained life in the lovely hamlet village of ******. they say when you move to a small close nit village like that you are either accepted by the locals or not, well Roy and Emma quickly found out that the heart of village was in the local boozer. And Roy is well known in the village for being an artist, and I'm not talking about his job (make a signal of drinking booze)
Roy is very proud of the fact that he is the official four alls pool champion where he smashed old Amos in the final that had held the title for twenty years.
Believe it or not after being in the village for only 1 year Roy was bestowed the great honour of being the official steward at the spectacular yearly village fireworks display donned in official steward yellow jacket Roy oversaw the lighting of a sparkler and two bangers. Even las vagas would have been in awe. But on a serious note I'm really happy that they have found a great place to live and that the door is always open to friends, and if they are not in you only have to go 1 min up the road and they will be guaranteed to be in the pub, second thoughts your better just going to the pub first and if there not there try home. And you know that it won't be long before the next invite round there's for a meal with friends, which is a posh way of saying would you like to come round ours and get very drunk.

But seriously I'm proud to say that Roy is one of the best lads I have had the privilege to call a friend and I really do take this as a great honour that he chose me to be his best man, you both are an excellent couple and I know that you have got what I takes to make this marriage last, not just because your in love that's obvious to everyone that's ever spent any time with you both ,but because your also best mates, and I think that is very ,very important.

Roy being your best man its tradition that I'm supposed to give you some worldly wise piece of advice well being recently married myself I can only offer this, never ever be afraid of saying those three magic words.
” you're right dear”
Seriously, for those of you who may think I haven't been serious the all time. Roy and Emma we all know that you are an extremely close couple, you've have spent the last 6 years together and that's a long time for any relationship and but I know that this is the first step on a wonderfully happy journey together as man and wife.

So may your marriage be modern enough to stand the times
And old fashioned enough to last for ever.

On that notes ladies and gentleman could you be upstanding as I propose at toast from the bridesmaids and myself.

To the wonderful couple and Roy and Emma

Mr and Mrs Thompson

Wait for applause (hopefully)

Read some cards if required