Speech by Nick Bannister

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Bannister
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls.

As I'm sure you'll all appreciate, this is a really nerve-wracking moment
for me. I'll confess now that this isn't the first time today I've stood up
from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Steve for his kind
words. I'm sure you all agree that the bridesmaids look wonderful and have
done an excellent job today.

Before I launch into my character assassination of Steve I'd like to
introduce myself. My name is Nick ‘Wouldyoulikeadrink’. Please don't
hesitate to say hello and call by my full name later.

You'll be pleased to know that I'm only going to speak for a couple of
minutes because of my throat – any longer and Michelle has threatened to cut
it!

So, what can I tell you about Steve?

Well, we met while attending Bourne Secondary School – Lincolnshire's
answer to Grange Hill – back in the early 80s. (Puzzled) Steve was an ideal
pupil who excelled in most subjects. Sorry, I meant to say that he was an
idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.

In fact, when I was reminiscing about our school days I asked Steve's mum
for some of his old school reports – and I have a few examples here:

This one's for religious education, and I quote:

"Steve's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he
still believes that the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins."

Woodwork:

"Loves wood, hates work."

Music:

"Steve takes a very hands-on approach to music – but I wish he'd concentrate
his efforts on playing with a band rather than with himself."

He still has this love of playing an instrument today. In fact, when he's
not being the doting Dad to Lewis, playing ‘Handy Andy’ around the house or
tinkering with his sports car he can be found practising his electric
guitar.

He's technically fantastic…… never hits a wrong note………never makes
a mistake – it's absolutely amazing – all that crap he plays is deliberate!

I think every muso wants to be famous, and Steve was no exception. He
certainly admires famous people. He once said that he thought Posh and Becks
had the right idea when they named their son Brooklyn after the place where
he was conceived. Thank God he forgot all about that when he and Michelle
set up a temporary love nest in his Alpine Super Sprite caravan!

What else can I tell you? Well, you'd be surprised to hear that Steve used
to be very fit and as thin as a rake. Then, a few years ago he started
putting on weight. It was then I realised that he'd finally fallen in
love……

……with John..…

…..Smith's

He was carrying on this love affair right up to just before the wedding.
There we were, propping up the bar at the Burghley and the barman said to
Steve: "What are you having then: Brandy? Gin? Scotch? A pint of Smiths?"
And Steve said: "Yes please."

So, with Steve a little over-refreshed, it was down to the church for the
ceremony. My best man's book had said that there were three key elements of
a wedding ceremony, which are:

The aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.

The altar – the place where 2 becomes 1.

And the hymn – the celebration of the marriage

I'm sure Michelle had read the same book because as she took her place
beside Steve I heard her whisper: "Aisle, Altar, Hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn."

Well the rings were exchanged and at that moment I thought, you know, there
are in fact 3 rings in every marriage:

The engagement ring

The wedding ring

And the suffer-ing

As best man – and a happily married man myself – it's my duty to offer some
advice to the happy couple today:

Steve – whenever you have a ‘discussion’ with Michelle always remember to
get the last two words in..…

"Yes dear."

And Michelle, remember that us men are like fine wine………we all start
out a bit like grapes and its your job to stamp on us until we mature into
something that you wouldn't mind having dinner with.

I know that you're both looking forward to your honeymoon in a grand hotel
in Berkshire, which I understand is one of the most haunted buildings in
England.

So when the other guests are woken up in the middle of the night by the
sound of moaning and rattling chains you can always blame the ghosts.

On a more serious note, Steve, you're a great friend and it's an honour to
be your best man today. You're a very lucky man to have married Michelle,
who's a lovely, kind, genuine person.

She deserves a good husband. And you should thank God that you got her
before she found one.

Now as a man who'll drink to absolutely anything, I'd be very grateful if
you'd all give me an excuse to raise my glass again in another toast to the
happy couple – The Bride and Groom.

ENDS (now relax)