Speech by Nick Clarke

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Clarke
Speech Date: oct 2003
First of all I'd like to thank [groom] for his kind words and say that
[bride] looks fabulous today, [groom] looks like he was won in a lottery.

I'm no good at writing speeches. Looking for the easy way out, I decided to trawl the Internet for a pre-prepared one. After a couple of hours searching I finally found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for a best man's speech so, moving on, found loads of ready-prepared examples.

Sadly, none of these were about a couple called [groom] & [bride] who lived in [town]. So, it looks like it is down to me after all. [groom] did a 1st class job as my best man, so I suspect this is his revenge..

Anyway, I'm sure at least some of you are expecting this speech to be full
of sexual innuendo. I'm going to disappoint you because it isn't…It was at first, but [wife], my wife, caught me trying to slip it in and made me whip it out immediately.

But let's now look at [groom]..

Starting from the beginning, [groom] was born on 7th June 1969. I did try
desperately hard to link this with some other big world event, but it seems that nothing much else happened on that day. So I thought I'd best ask [groom's mum] if I could borrow some embarrassing pictures that she might have. [groom's mum] replied "Oh do you want one where he's lying naked on his changing mat"?

I was going to have it enlarged to show everyone, but I'm sorry [groom], I
couldn't find a company that would deal with that kind of material. Anyway, as the picture was only taken last week it didn't seem fair to show it.

[groom] and I first met more years ago than I'd care to remember at
[village] School. I've always known him as [nickname]. I'm sorry to
disappoint all those of you expecting an embarrassing story to be attached
to that, but the reality is he was simply named after a cartoon character
but these things have a habit of sticking..

It was a couple of years after we first met that [groom] moved to [town] but we've kept in touch ever since. Now, some people have linked this move away to a rather sorry incident on his Dad's birthday. During the course of the evening, [groom] & I were allowed to construct homemade fireworks in the back garden. All good things come to an end as they say & we were ordered to
clear up the not inconsiderable mess we'd made. Naturally we did as we were told and came in. Not long later, the dog drew everybody's attention to the back window where the bin we'd cleared up the rubbish into, was now a raging inferno, and seriously threatening to set fire to the house next door. I'm not entirely sure what happened next as I made my excuses and left as [groom]’s parents were running out with buckets of water…

[groom] has always had a great love of music and used to play in what has
been described by some as a glorious (you know you can always rely on your
parents !), but sadly short-lived band called "Eight Ball" The name came
from the four-man line up, four guys equals..well, you work it out…

It was also during this period that his hairstyle was somewhat different to the finely styled example you see before you today. [groom] would have you believe it was very "rock & roll", the rest of us would call it a girly comedy mullet.

For a while [groom] also had a huge love of cars – evidence of this being
his extensive collection of Fiesta & Escort magazines. However, he has since moved on to motorbikes, since one day mistakenly buying "Ride" magazine thinking it was a special interest publication.

[groom] met [bride] at a barn dance in [town] and I think it's fair to say
that from that day, it was inevitable that this day would come – after
meeting her he said "That's it, I'm sorted" and went back to his pint. She
must have been something pretty special to get that kind of reaction out of [groom] and of course, we all know she is.

I know I've not mentioned the stag night at all..I'm sorry, but in addition to the law of the stag which is "what goes on tour, stays on tour", the lawyers have advised me not to discuss the sorry events of that weekend in Nottingham, but I have been assured that the donkey and duck will make a full recovery.

Anyway, I've been asked to read some messages:

This one is just to [groom], a loyal and valued customer, our very best
wishes to you and your new

bride. P.S. We hope this means you won't be cancelling you long-standing
subscription – that's from Big & Bouncy magazine.

This one is just to [bride] – We could have been so good together – give me a call if it doesn't work out, that's with love from Sean Connery

On a more serious note, I'd better finish up and say what a great honour it has been to be the best man on this fine day.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for
sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long
distances.

On behalf of myself, I would just like to say that if you have enjoyed this speech half as much as I've enjoyed giving it then I can only apologise.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to [groom] and [bride], the new Mr and Mrs [surname]. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

[groom] and [bride].

First of all I'd like to thank [groom] for his kind words and say that
[bride] looks fabulous today, [groom] looks like he was won in a lottery.

I'm no good at writing speeches. Looking for the easy way out, I decided to
trawl the Internet for a pre-prepared one. After a couple of hours searching
I finally found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was
supposed to be looking for a best man's speech so, moving on, found loads of
ready-prepared examples.

Sadly, none of these were about a couple called [groom] & [bride] who lived
in [town]. So, it looks like it is down to me after all. [groom] did a 1st
class job as my best man, so I suspect this is his revenge..

Anyway, I'm sure at least some of you are expecting this speech to be full
of sexual innuendo. I'm going to disappoint you because it isn't…It was at
first, but [wife], my wife, caught me trying to slip it in and made me whip
it out immediately.

But let's now look at [groom]..

Starting from the beginning, [groom] was born on 7th June 1969. I did try
desperately hard to link this with some other big world event, but it seems
that nothing much else happened on that day. So I thought I'd best ask
[groom's mum] if I could borrow some embarrassing pictures that she might
have. [groom's mum] replied "Oh do you want one where he's lying naked on
his changing mat"?

I was going to have it enlarged to show everyone, but I'm sorry [groom], I
couldn't find a company that would deal with that kind of material. Anyway,
as the picture was only taken last week it didn't seem fair to show it.

[groom] and I first met more years ago than I'd care to remember at
[village] School. I've always known him as [nickname]. I'm sorry to
disappoint all those of you expecting an embarrassing story to be attached
to that, but the reality is he was simply named after a cartoon character
but these things have a habit of sticking..

It was a couple of years after we first met that [groom] moved to [town] but
we've kept in touch ever since. Now, some people have linked this move away
to a rather sorry incident on his Dad's birthday. During the course of the
evening, [groom] & I were allowed to construct homemade fireworks in the
back garden. All good things come to an end as they say & we were ordered to
clear up the not inconsiderable mess we'd made. Naturally we did as we were
told and came in. Not long later, the dog drew everybody's attention to the
back window where the bin we'd cleared up the rubbish into, was now a raging
inferno, and seriously threatening to set fire to the house next door. I'm
not entirely sure what happened next as I made my excuses and left as
[groom]’s parents were running out with buckets of water…

[groom] has always had a great love of music and used to play in what has
been described by some as a glorious (you know you can always rely on your
parents !), but sadly short-lived band called "Eight Ball" The name came
from the four-man line up, four guys equals..well, you work it out…

It was also during this period that his hairstyle was somewhat different to
the finely styled example you see before you today. [groom] would have you
believe it was very "rock & roll", the rest of us would call it a girly
comedy mullet.

For a while [groom] also had a huge love of cars – evidence of this being
his extensive collection of Fiesta & Escort magazines. However, he has since
moved on to motorbikes, since one day mistakenly buying "Ride" magazine
thinking it was a special interest publication.

[groom] met [bride] at a barn dance in [town] and I think it's fair to say
that from that day, it was inevitable that this day would come – after
meeting her he said "That's it, I'm sorted" and went back to his pint. She
must have been something pretty special to get that kind of reaction out of
[groom] and of course, we all know she is.

I know I've not mentioned the stag night at all..I'm sorry, but in addition
to the law of the stag which is "what goes on tour, stays on tour", the
lawyers have advised me not to discuss the sorry events of that weekend in
Nottingham, but I have been assured that the donkey and duck will make a
full recovery.

Anyway, I've been asked to read some messages:

This one is just to [groom], a loyal and valued customer, our very best
wishes to you and your new

bride. P.S. We hope this means you won't be cancelling you long-standing
subscription – that's from Big & Bouncy magazine.

This one is just to [bride] – We could have been so good together – give me
a call if it doesn't work out, that's with love from Sean Connery

On a more serious note, I'd better finish up and say what a great honour it
has been to be the best man on this fine day.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for
sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long
distances.

On behalf of myself, I would just like to say that if you have enjoyed this
speech half as much as I've enjoyed giving it then I can only apologise.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand
and raise your glasses in a toast to [groom] and [bride], the new Mr and Mrs
[surname]. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and
happy marriage.

[groom] and [bride].