Speech by Nick Collis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Collis
Speech Date: Jul2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, hosts and hostesses, bride and bridegroom… are you all having a good time?

CHEERING

Excellent… So was I until about five seconds ago!

You know, I've been researching how to write a best mans speech for a number of months now and everything I read agreed that the most important thing was to have a strong opening… which is ironic as one of my openings feels anything but strong at the moment!

As Tonys best man it is one of my very pleasurable duties to thank him, on behalf of the lovely bridesmaid Karen Woolf, for his kind words.

And before I begin dishing the dirt on old pixie-ears over here, I'd like to propose a toast to Karen, and to her equally lovely sister Lorraine, the bride. They both look absolutely stunning today and as I'm sure all the guys in here will agree, they are two Wolves you definitely would not want to keep from your door.

TOAST

You know, I always knew it would be difficult to follow a speech made by Tony and I was right… I couldn't follow a word of it!

Anyway, when I found out I was going to be Tonys best man, I did some research on the internet and almost every best mans speech I looked at started with exactly the same joke. The one about how being asked to be a best man is like being asked to make love to the queen…in that its a great honour but no-one really wants to do it. So I decided to be original and not use that one.

But as well as guaranteeing a minimum of cheesy jokes, I can promise that this speech will be quite clean. I know Lorraine was anxious about this and so I promised her that as I read my speech, if I came across any rude innuendo or double meaning, I would whip it out immediately.

So then, onto Tony. I've known Tony for a little over five years now, and what can I say about him? Well, he's a hard man to forget…but it is well worth the effort.

As I say, I've known him for five years, meaning that I can't really comment on the first 25 years of his life….or so he thought!

I did find out a couple of things about Young Tony…He was born on the 29th of April 1974, the same year they introduced disposable razors, free family planning and the three day working week. Tonys boss has asked me to let him know that this is no longer in effect, and will he please do the same hours as everyone else!

I also fond out that Tony shares his birthday with none other than supermodel Kate Moss. Obviously God had already spent all the good looking genes that day.

Somehow, Tony managed to overcome his obvious physical shortcomings and ended up gaining a place at that renowned beacon of learning excellence that is Hatfield Tech.

Incidentally, are there any other Hatfield graduates here this evening?

THE GROUP ON ONE TABLE PUT UP THEIR HANDS.

Excellent. Glad you could all get time off from McDonalds to be with us tonight.

It was at Hatfield where mine and Tonys paths first crossed. I first met Tony when I joined the University Kung Fu society that Tony taught.

I started Kung Fu for two main reasons: to loose weight and to meet new people. I'm pleased to say I was successful on both counts. I met people from all different walks of life – doctors, paramedics, ambulance drivers, surgeons… I also lost lots of weight – some of it through losing fat…and some of it through losing bones! Like the time Tony fractured my nose whilst we were sparring. But I've forgiven him…GIT!

It's hard to believe looking at this slightly rotund, pixie-like individual, but Tony was a hard task master who ran his Kung Fu lessons with an iron fist. He was like the Gordon Ramsay of martial arts… only less kind and gentle!

As time progressed, our mutual love of cheap student union lager, pork scratchings and the collective works of Jean Claude Van Damme made us firm friends. I eventually moved in with Tony and Lorraine for my final year at Uni.

I have many happy memories of living with Tony, Lorraine and our other housemate Luke, who can't be with us tonight. Sadly few of them are suitable to tell!

I couldn't for example even mention the time Tony tried to set our Welsh housemate on fire using a can of deodorant and a match. That would be really embarrassing for him, so I won't mention it.

One of my strongest memories of Tony during the time we lived together, is of him slumped on the sofa watching Channel 5 until the early hours. With its schedule of cheesy action movies often starring Chuck Norris, and thoughtful documentaries on the human condition such as ‘G-String divas’, Channel 5 was by far his favourite channel. In fact, he loved it so much, he once confessed to me that he wanted to marry the controller of channel 5. I think we are all glad he didn't….I mean, the wedding might have been OK, but the reception would have been terrible!

But those of us that know Tony best know that his other great love, apart from Lorraine, is D.I.Y.
Tables, chairs, shelves, cupboards…Tony's destroyed them all!

He was always doing woodwork and D.I.Y at our old student house. It's fair to say he was quite different from other students. I mean, most students would go out, get plastered, then wake up in bed with a sore head. Tony on the other hand would stay in, plaster, then wake up and saw a new bed head.

There's just time for a final couple of words about Tony before I finish and my standing ovation begins.
Not many people know that Tony is actually a doctor.
TURN TO TONY What is your doctorate again mate?

TONY
"Local scour around bridge piers in steady and unsteady flow conditions"

ME Impressive…not much use if you're choking on a fish bone at a restaurant but still impressive. Tonys mates often wondered why he chose to spend years studying large structures that are suspended above water… I always thought it was pier pressure myself…

But seriously though, I can honestly say that in all the years I've known him, I've never heard anyone question Tonys intelligence… In fact, I can't remember anyone even mentioning it.

But I have to say that despite his quirks he really is a top bloke, and a good friend. I wish him all the luck in the world, and I think he got that when he married Lorraine.

APPLAUSE

Anyway, onto some letters and cards.

READ SERIOUS ONE

Here's a good one for you Tony, an anonymous quote from a married male guest thats here tonight. He says:

"I never knew what happiness was until I got married…and by then it was too late!"

READ SERIOUS ONE

Here's another good one Tony, an anonymous tip for a happy marriage –

"If you're smart, you'll always have the last word.…
And if you're REALLY smart you won't use it!"

So then, thats me done. all that remains is for me to thank Tony, Lorraine, Kate, Barry and all those involved on behalf of everyone here, for such a fantastic day and I hope we can all meet up again in 50 years for your golden wedding anniversary. I might have some new material by then!

One final poem before we all toast the new Mr and Mrs Bennets.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always shall be yours.
If it does not come back, it was never yours to begin with.
And if you wake up on your honeymoon with flakes of sawdust in your hair…You've just married Tony Bennets!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bride and Groom!

TOAST