Speech by Nick Gardiner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Gardiner
Speech Date: sep2002
Marriage of Miss Victoria Haley &Mr Adrian Simmonds
24th Aug, 2002

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys, I'd like to thank Adi for his kind words. He also said, if I do a good job today, I could be the best man at his next wedding.

A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………I thank you. [SIT DOWN]

[ Stand Up again ] An even wiser man once said,

It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
But more importantly, It is important that these three women never meet.

Joking apart….…

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, friends, relatives, hangers on, and hotel staff, for those of you who do not know me, I'm Nick, known to friends as stretch, and various other names which we wont go into now.

Now let's get two things straight:

First, I understand that there is a bit of a bet going on about the length of the Best Man's speech. I've put a bit of money down myself, so I think I know who's going to win that one!

Second, I've been to about four Weddings over the last couple of years and it's true what I read in an etiquette book. The Best Man's speech serves to give those present at the Wedding an introduction to the Groom. You won't all know him very well, and by the time I've finished this speech you may wish you didn't know him at all. It's just that the speeches I heard, without exception, blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom,,,,,, and frankly I can see no reason why this speech should be any different. It's all the more funny now because Vicky's married him, and it's too late to change her mind!.

I've come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny!. As the Nanny I've had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good, well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm the best man, not a plastic surgeon!.

These Nannying duties also extended to the Stag Weekend and on behalf of Adi and myself, we would like to thank all those that came to Barcelona and made it a memorable weekend,,,,,,,,,, though I cant say which idiot booked to fly at the same time England played Denmark….… Sorry Paul.

In Barcelona, it was my duty to chaperone the groom and to see he did not get up to any mischief, or if he did, I wanted to be there with a camera. These duties did not extend to other members of the group however,,,,, Mark Milner, where are you, can you stand up please, no really stand up, oh right, you are. Mark, a word of advice, when propositioning ladies of the night, IF THEY HAVE AN ADAMS APPLE, WALK AWAY,,,,,,,,,,,, OR AT LEAST ASK FOR A DISCOUNT.

I was going to talk about Adi's Ex-Girlfriends, but I decided against this when I realise I arrived with one of them,,,,, sorry dear.

I will, however, mention one, The First. Picture the scene, Adi is home alone in his parents house, and invited Vennesa Tanfield around. His mind was racing, what would happen, how far would this go, ,,,,and would a bottle of Dereks how brew be enough?. Thinking quickly, before she arrived, he had a shower, and being a stickler for personal hygiene, he emptied an entire bottle of talcum powder down his pants. He then got dressed and waited for his quarry. She duly arrived, and entered the lair looking very sheepish. He handed her a glass of home made wine, and they both sat down to watch TV. Unfortunately, the force of Adi sitting down, blew a great cloud of talcum powder through his jeans. It looked like a bomb had gone off. And as the smoke cleared, Adi could just make out her shape, running like hell up the street and screaming.

Actually, I did invite some of Adi's ex-girlfriends to the wedding, but unfortunately, none of them could make it, though this was due to the foot and mouth outbreak and not just good luck.

But then he met Vicky, and has never looked back since. I must say the make a perfect couple. One of Vicky's many abilities include a scarily accurate impression of how Adi plays tennis. I am sure if you ask her nicely later she may show you it, and then do the impression.

I am sure you will all agree, what a great couple they make, Vicky, dressed like a princess,,,,,,,, and Adi, well dressed to the left, I think, or is that the plastic one?.

Any hoo, back to the character assassination.

I hope I am giving you all an insight into Adi`s Personality. He is a great friend and totally selfless to others, Vicky, please look after him as he is special, I think that's what the school psychiatrist said. In fact, Adi's employers were amazed to hear that he recently did some over time. He told them he had stayed at The Office in Hull so late one night he needed Coco, at least, I think that was her name.

Adi`s only regret in life, is that he was born in 1970 and too early for the `Three Day Week`, but with Royal Sun Alliance, he has managed to carry on the tradition ever since.

Now some Cards and Telegrams.

I thought there was one would be one from Garry Smith, but it looks like he turned up after all, Thanks Gary.

Now finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing Vicky and Adi's special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and I'd like to personally thank them for choosing me as best man today. It has been a great pleasure and honour, and a big thanks to Adi who's been there for me over the last 15 years,,,,,, so before I start crying.

It gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr & Mrs Simmonds.

To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple;

`The Bride and Groom.`