Speech by Nick Gillott

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Gillott
Speech Date: May 2001

Stand up / check your flies…

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman

For those who don't know me, my name is Nick, a complete novice at public speaking, and I have this overwhelming urge to prove it to you today.

Its an honour to be the best man…I feel like I've inherited a harem, I know exactly what to do, but where do I start?

I suppose firstly, I should thank David on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words

Apparently my main duty is to give you all an introduction to the groom, this part of the bestmans speech is usually just an excuse to demolish the grooms good character and why should this one be any different?

Unfortunately, this is a difficult task; Davids a nice lad… he obeys hose-pipe bans, pays his TV licence and keeps Britain tidy, so theres not much I can embarrass him with.

Those of you that know him, will be aware of his intelligence, thoughtfulness…his generosity…well he help me write this bit of the speech.

At first appearances he's a quiet and shy person, so you will be surprised to learn that he's a ladies man, a bit of a Casanova. We of course want him to turn over a new leaf with Nicola.

For David to start a fresh, could I request that any old flames that still have keys to his house, come forward now and hand them back to me today… come on, David has confessed, I know who you are…(Girl bring in keys, Neil waits until girls finished and drop his in)

Its difficult to find a suitably embarrassing situation to retell, but I can recall one incident on holiday which will at least illustrates his dry sense of humour.

We were on a day trip in Cuba, David asks the tour guide the best place to buy cigars at a good price, at which point she escorted the whole coach strip, through town, past high street shops and into what would only be described as a ghetto.

She knocked on a door and a shifty looking Cuban answered while his mate took up a lookout position on the street, the guy obviously thought he could retire after today's business and considered the risk of meeting a firing squad worth while and led us through the living room past three generation of the family watching telly and into the family bedroom. Some of the confused party flicked frantically through the itinerary, the rest milling about the place as if in a museum, of course Nicola watching a Spanish translation of Rickie Lake with granny.

The Hispanic Arthur Daily character goes out the back, we hear a cacophony of chicken noise and he returned covered in feathers with a suite case, which is promptly opened on the bed and full to the brim with the finest Cuban cigars that Fidel Castro can offer. The guy smiles as if to say “ I except all major credit cards” and David turned to me and says “I only wanted one…” ………we had to leave quickly…

Obviously David is cultured with a love of good food, wine and beer, but he's not perfect, he's a blades supporter.…

To be fair, David is a genuine romantic…a true gentleman, I'd like to tell you another story told to me by Nicola as evidence of this.…

It was a cold Saturday morning, David wanted to buy a Nicola a birthday present, they'd not been going out very long and after careful consideration, he decided that some winter gloves would be perfect.

By shear coincidence that February morning Sarah, Nicola's sister was in Marks & Sparks as well, with her help he bought a nice pair of gloves and Sarah purchased a pair of knickers for herself. While they talked at the counter the shop assistant wrapped the items, but she had mixed them up, so Sarah was handed the gloves and Nicola's present from David became the knickers.

When David got home.… without checking the contents, he sealed the package and enclosed a love letter, he wasn't going to see Nicola until after her birthday, so he put it into the post.

This is the letter Nicola received with the knickers.

Dear Nicola,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister Sarah, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones, which are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart.

I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you at the weekend.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them Saturday night.

All My Love,

David

P.S. According to the Sunday Times fashion supplement; the latest style, is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Anyway back to the formalities.…

On a more personal note I feel privileged to be a friend of Nicola's and a friend of David's and it's been a lovely day already, thanks very much the both of you.

We should have few toasts.…

To everybody in this room and any absent friends and family.… may you live as long as you like and have all you like as long as you live.… Cheers

And finally to David & Nicola.… may your wedding night be like a kitchen table…all legs and no draws?

Thanks very much.…