Speech by Nick London

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick London
Speech Date: May 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Nick and I'm Lees younger brother.

Its great being here today because after all the years I've known him, Lee has finally admitted that I am the Best Man.

This is a very emotional day, and even I'm feeling a bit choked up. Mainly from Lees hands around my throat, threatening to finish the job if I stuff up. Its so emotional, even the cake is in tiers. (Had to get that one in there, its traditional).

When I found out Lee was speaking before me, It was a huge relief. Based on Lees previous performance at public speaking, the chances were that everyone would have gone home for the night and the place locked up before he finished his speech. Fortunately for you, but unfortunately for me, Lee for once seems to be at a loss for words.

Before I begin Lees character assassination, I would just like to say what a spectacular venue this is and what a gorgeous reception meal. Lisa looks stunning, and even Lee managed to scrub up well.

I know the Bride and Groom have already been toasted but I'm sure everyone would like to give a round of applause to show their appreciation towards Lee, Lisa and all who were involved in the organisation of this special event.

Applause…

I would like to thank everyone for coming to celebrate Lee and Lisa's special day, especially family and friends who have travelled long distances to be here. Many thanks also to those who have journeyed here from foreign parts. Here in Essex that covers just about everywhere north of Watford Gap and south of The Thames.
Its good to see Lee relaxing and letting his hair down today. For the past couple of years, its his hair that's been letting him down.

For those who don't know Lee so well, I will try to give you an insight into the man and some of his achievements in life so far.
For those who do know him, well, you've got my sympathy.

Lee London was born on April 27th 1968 and is the oldest of the three of us. So Mum and Dad obviously thought they could do better.
Looking at him today, its not too big a stretch of imagination to say that he was an extremely ugly baby.

His middle name is Phillip, named after Prince Phillip. This must explain why every time he opens his mouth, he manages to put his foot in it.

I wouldn't call Lee materialistic or someone who takes any decision lightly. But when he left school at the ripe old age of 16 with a handful of CSEs under his belt, he had a couple of interviews with the police (That's to be employed as a policeman, not like before when he…..nevermind). Before the final interview at the police, he was offered a job at a company called TabCrest as a trainee Silk Screen Printer. This paid the princely sum of £45 per week. With this in mind, he ditched a long-term, rewarding career with Her Majesties finest in blue for the first opportunity to get some serious money.

Lee also worked part time as a barman at Seabrights Barn in Chelmsford. He was actually employed full time, but only worked part time.

This was where he met Lisa for the first time in December 1992.
Lisa attended the quiz nights at the pub with a group of her friends. So Lee eventually plucked up the courage, wiped his mouth, tucked his shirt in his pants and moonwalked over to her.

His opening line was absolutely inspired. It was “I hear you do karate”.
Now as opening lines go, to remind a woman that she has the ability to beat the living daylights out of any bloke giving her hassle in a pub, it could have gone down as the most painful chat up line in history.

As it happens, the gamble paid off and Lee lived to see her another day with all his tackle in the right place.

By the way, Lee stopped working at Seabrights Barn on account of his back. They didn't want him back.

Lee is always a perfect gentleman towards Lisa and never does anything by halves where she is concerned.
Which reminds me of a story I was told about their second date and one I think Lee mentioned earlier. Lee wanted to make a good impression by picking Lisa up in his immaculately clean and polished car and take her to Vanessa and Jeff's wedding reception. He pulled up, opened the passenger door and closed it behind her. All very romantic. All this was to hide the fact that he'd only bothered to clean Lisa's side of the car, the other side was still coated in mud.

Talking of cars, Lee's experience with cars has kept the local mechanics, scrappies, thieves and chop shops in business since day one.

His first car, an Escort, he turned into a stock car and wrecked it on the track.
His second, a Cortina MK5 (a real bird puller) – Got Nicked.
Third, an Audi. Blew up the gearbox two weeks after buying it. Drank transmission fluid like petrol, and the windscreen leaked and soaked the passenger whenever he went round a roundabout. All the time he had that car, Lisa had to sit with a black bin bag on her lap.
Fourth, an XR3i – Nicked
Fifth, an XR2 – Wheels got nicked.
And now he drives a Nissan Primera. Well, need I say more?

Lee decided a number of years ago to take up a nice, low-risk, non-contact sport. He took up Ju-Jitsu. Apparently, its like karate, but has more imaginative ways to hurt your opponent.

Surprisingly, in his time as an aspiring Bruce Lee, he got off relatively unscathed. He achieved his black belt, and now he can actually participate in a domestic, rather than being on the receiving end on it.

Lee currently works at Smurfits in Chelmsford, where he's been employed for the last 10 years. This demonstrates loyalty, commitment, a complete lack of initiative and absolutely no ambition whatsoever. On the positive side, he has worked his way up from silk screen printer – someone who cocks up, to a production controller – who is someone who tells other people how to cock up.

Lee and Lisa bought a house together in November 1995, three years after they first met. Lee has taken very well to being domesticated, although Lisa hasn't managed to completely change him…yet. Lee still likes to watch motor racing, but now the difference is he's only allowed to watch it whilst doing the ironing.

Lee and Lisa always spend Friday nights in, as its “Buffy and Angel night”. I don't care whatever you call it, sex is an important part of any good relationship. I just hope they've sorted out who's Angel and who's Buffy.

Lee proposed to Lisa in December 1997, 5 years to the day that they had their first date. He took her back to Seabrights Barn, the scene of the original crime, and on bended knee, popped the question.

Now, after three and a half years of engagement, and eight and a half years after they first met, Lee and Lisa are finally married. Even the bookies were beginning to mark it up as a bit of a long shot.

Lee, she's a lovely person and deserves a good husband. Thank god you married her before she found one. I would like to say that you have really scored in marrying Lisa. You've found someone who is attractive, funny, smart, loving and caring. And Lisa, you have found………well you've found this. Seriously Lisa, I think you've made a wonderful choice for your first husband.

I know its traditional for the Best Man to mention the number of ex-girlfriends the Groom has had. But I don't want do get into that, I think it is offensive to the Bride. But, suffice to say, Lee, that 56 turned out to be your lucky number after all.

This wouldn't be a best man speech without at some point mentioning the stag night, which was organised to a tee and was an absolute blast.
Picture the scene, 10 guys on a minibus travelling to a club in London with a crate of bottled beer on board, and no bottle opener.
Now, after a few drinks, these guys are no rocket scientists and are the type that would probably starve in a house full of food unless there was a woman there to get it for them. But the amount of ingenuity and innovation shown in the first 3 minutes of trying to get these bottles open would have put NASA to shame. Suffice to say that once a suitable piece of door trim was identified as a successful cap puller, the IQ on the bus returned to a more acceptable level for the evenings entertainment.

Lee, this is the happiest day of your life, or so Lisa told me earlier. And as is customary, I would like to pass on some advice from one married man to another:

There are more than 2 wedding rings involved in a marriage. There's also all the suffer-ring, endur-ring, and the tortur-ring.
Make the most of it, this is the honeymoon period of your marriage. Its the bit between the “I do” and the “you'd better”.
Marriage is a useful process where you find out what sort of person your wife would really have preferred.
Its always very important to get on with your Mother in Law. I didn't speak to mine for the first year of my marriage. It wasn't that I didn't like her – I was just too polite to interrupt.
Now, I've read the marriage licence over and over. Take it from me, there is no get-out clause. Personally, I think it should be like a TV licence – Renewable every 12 months with a pro-rata refund if things don't work out.

I would just like to say that, Lee, you have always been a true Brother to me. Beating me up, blaming me for things you broke, nicking my stuff and generally giving me a hard time. This speech is only part of the payback.

Read Cards
I do have a couple of telegrams to read out, from some people who unfortunately couldn't be with us today.

Telegram from Her Majesties Prison, Belmarsh
Dear Lee and Lisa.
I tried to make it back in time for your wedding, but I had to catch up on some old business. (about 30 years, 25 for good behaviour).
Ronnie Biggs

PS your wedding present is buried at the bottom of the railway embankment.

Lee.
We could have been so good together.
Pamela Anderson.

Lee.
We could have been so good together.
Dale Winton

Apparently, you're a popular couple, as everybody is here to congratulate you in person. Either that, or attracted by the promise of good food, drinks and the chance to hear me give Lee a real pasting in this speech.

Just to let everyone know, as the reception goes on into the evening, you are all welcome to get completely drunk as a newt and strut your stuff on the dance floor. The You've Been Framed team are waiting for my video tape on Monday morning.

I would like to thank Lee and Lisa for letting me ruin their wedding day and plead with them not to let me do this again in a hurry.

Lee, Lisa. Its a great honour to be your best man today. I would like to say congratulations and wish you every happiness in your married life together.

Finally, It gives me great pleasure to propose a toast to some people without whom, none of this would have been possible.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please charge your glasses and be upstanding.

WAIT

“To the Parents of the Bride and Groom”.