Speech by Nick Owen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Owen
Speech Date: Nick Owen
Ladies and Gentleman, for those of you who don't know me, please let me introduce myself, as John said I'm Nick, and I have the pleasure of being here today as his best man. I'd like to start by thanking John on behalf of the Bridesmaids, that's Ruth, Sam, Kathryn, Emily and Bethany for his kind words, I myself was impressed by their handling of a particularly highly strung bride, and all the potential flash points associated with that. I'd also like to thank him for building expectation of my speech to a level I cannot possibly hope to achieve.

It is said that being best man is a bit like being asked to sleep with Anne Widdecombe. It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. And as Anne wasn't available today, here I am! I must admit that when John asked me to be best man I was, indeed honoured, as I am sure were the 10 or 12 people he asked before me. And lads, thank you for coming to support me today. John, congratulations on a truly magnificent speech. I always knew it would be difficult to follow one of your speeches, and I was right. I couldn't follow a bloody word.

Just to add to your list of “on this day in history”, I am sure that the assembled guest will be… shocked and disappointed that I am about to announce another couple. Firstly, for those of you driving around Derby this morning trying to find a bookies, the Grand National was won by Bindaree. More importantly, however, it is also the case that on THIS day in 2002, Swindon Town FC lost 1-0 to QPR. And looking around the room it would appear that there may have been a lower than average attendance at the County Ground, especially as one of Swindon Town's half a dozen or so season ticket holders has decided to join us here. I was planning to provide a full run down of today's football results for those of you who were not sharp enough to bring a pocket radio, but in the interests of those with money on the best man's speech not lasting more than five minutes I have decided against it… All I will say is “Ian you better have put that fiver on 4 minutes 37 seconds, mate.” Anyway, I can't speak for too long because of my throat. Sarah said, if I say too much, she's going to slit it.

It's worth noting that John is the first of our close group of friends to take the plunge and walk down the aisle. On the off chance that I may one day do the same, I think it important that each and every one of the really embarrassing stories are kept out of the best man's speech. Did you hear that John, I said EV-ER-Y ONE OF THE REALLY EMBARRASSING STORIES WILL BE LEFT OUT OF THE SPEECH – that's a tenner you owe me.

Of course, you will all know John as the Swindon Town supporting Irishman. But those of us in the know will also remember the Man United Shirts, the Tottenham Hotspur shirts, and of course that little tantrum in 1986 when Maradona put England out of the world cup with THE HAND OF GOD. John dashed out of the room and proceeded to try and break the arms of the Argentinian number 10 in his Subbuteo set. I believe Maradona's pace on that occasion was only bettered by John's dad trying to save the little plastic figures he'd spent weeks painting.

John and I went to school together at Holy Family and St Joes, before we both ended up at Swansea Uni. One of us for a year, one of us for a degree. And in all that time we've been through a lot together and shared most things with each other – and I must say it's great to see so many of you girls here today. Throughout the time I've known John he has always been a keen footballer, but as his colleagues and teammates from Zurich are keen to point out, he's pretty ineffectual no matter what position he's in. Sarah, I hope you have better luck tonight love.

John, honestly, I'm NOT here to embarrass you, mate. You did a fine job of that yourself on the stag night. I was a bit concerned that after you had made your cross-dressing tendencies public, Sarah might have had some competition today, but given the formal nature of this occasion I am pleased to see you've decided to copy my outfit, rather than hers.

Sarah, on behalf of everyone here, I must say you look absolutely stunning today. You're a wonderful girl who deserves a great husband. A husband who will care for you and look after you for the rest of your life. John, well done for tricking her down the aisle before she found one. Seriously though, John is a good man who will make you happy, who else would get up 10 minutes early every morning to check there were no howibble scawy spiders in your shoes. I appreciate he's now accepted that I am the best man, but John you are a good man all the same.

But Sarah, please remember John is the type of bloke who needs a certain amount of looking after, particularly if he catches sight of the sun during the course of your honeymoon. Forget suntan oil, I think a lead coat may be more the order of the day! I'm not sure that Majorca is yet ready for the sight that greeted Gran Canaria 3 years ago after John spent a couple of hours sunbathing with no suntan lotion. John the red glow emanating from your face could have stopped traffic, and come to think of it, it probably did.

Sarah, well done for observing tradition by arriving late for the ceremony. I know it's a bride's prerogative, but John it must have been wonderful not to be the last person to arrive. Still I'm sure you'll be the first person out the door when it's finishing time. But by that time Sarah will be well and truly in charge of your life, and my role as best man will have been completed. But up to this point I'm sure you all realise that there are three key tasks for the best man to complete where the groom is concerned: These are to get him here…
ON TIME – which is a first
SOBER – which is unusual and
LOOKING SMART – which is unheard of.

Taking these responsibilities seriously John and I stayed at this lovely hotel last night and I can reveal that he slept like a baby… Every half hour he woke up wanting his mummy.

So back to the happy couple, I now need the two of you to participate in my speech. Sarah, please put your hand on the table.… John place your hand on top of Sarahs’. Enjoying that mate? You should be… It's the last time you'll ever have the upper hand in this relationship.

As I said before, it is traditionally the best man's role to embarrass the groom on his wedding day. I've tried not to do so too much, if I have, John, I'm sorry. With all the stories I received from your friends and family, ranging from the merely silly to the frankly shocking, I think I've managed to save your blushes (and maybe even your marriage, mate!!). After all this is a family wedding and who really wants to hear about your REAL past??? For those who ARE interested, as I said earlier, I'm Nick, I'll be at the bar, and the bidding starts at one lager.

When John and Sarah got together, we all knew they had something special, and that this day was only a matter of time in coming. So to both of you, from me, you make a wonderful couple, and I know you're going to be very happy together. Sarah, if there was ever going to be one person to bring John in to line, I'm glad it was you. We've all had some great times as single lads, but I don't think John has ever been happier than when he's been with you. John, again, well done mate, you have a wonderful wife, which is no more than you deserve. Now just get that car swapped for a nice family saloon.

Before I finish and let you all get on with buying me drinks, we also have some messages from people who were not able to be with us here today which it is my pleasure to read out…

John has also asked me to remind you that the cameras on each table are there for you to take pictures of whatever you want (within reason), and if you could return them at the end of the night they will all be developed, and endless photo albums circulated around the guests over the next few weeks, months and probably years. There is also an evening do which we hope you will all be staying for, and we will get the disco started in the not too distant future.

On that note ladies and gentleman I have really run out of tired clichés and old jokes. All that remains for me to do ask you to do is be upstanding and charge your glasses. Ladies and gentleman, I give you the Bride and Groom.