Speech by Nick Turner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick Turner
Speech Date: june 2003
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Ian for his kind words.
I have to agree they look beautiful and have done a wonderful and excellent job today.
Also I'd like to thank the Stunning Bride, for turning up today, it has shown a lot of courage, bravery and lack of common sense (you know I don't really mean that !)! (well Lisa looks stunning – Ian just looks Stunned !!),
I've been doing a bit of research into weddings in general, I looked at the three key
elements of the wedding service itself. So it boiled down to the key parts :
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Lisa must have done the same research, because as I heard her walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whisper over and over under her breath , Aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn.
I think that my duties as Best Man to get the groom here have been successful
ALIVE – having survived a trip down memory lane in Sheffield on his stag night !. – Ahh – Nostalgia – it's not like it used to be when I were a lad !!
ON TIME, not normally a problem – Ian is far more organised than I am !
SOBER, (always a must on your wedding day as long as it doesn't apply to the Best man !)
he is here of his own FREE WILL !! ( well nearly – pull out chains !!!)
AND SMART, in a skirt ! OOPs sorry Kilt !!!!!.…
I must admit, I never realised how much air conditioning there is in one of these ! _ It's quite a REFRESHING Change !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but a little chilly !
Ian and I go back some 15 years now, and during this time we've become very good friends and it's an honour to be his Best Man today. We recently revisited Sheffield for Ians Stag do, but time has somewhat dulled the sharp memories of our student days. We easily felt comfortable in the surroundings of the 4 star Marriott Hotel, a far cry from the dismal surroundings that some of us endured in those student years. In fact some of the accommodation in those days was more attuned to Stig of the Dump or The Young Ones on a bad day !.
We revisited some of the old haunts – and it certainly brought back a few ghosts – or should I say Demons – But I must say that Ian had fewer Demons awaiting than the rest of us – Ahh for his clean living lifestyle, his high morals and his ability to leave his socks on at that famous party in Norfolk Park. All I can say Ian is that it was a good job the police didn't search the place when they turned up that night or you might have been facing a charge of indecent exposure !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh but how we've all grown up ! Instead of kebabs or curry , we had a very civilized dinner in a posh Pizza restaurant. Then instead of a few beers in the student Union, we visited some more up market, refined, cultured and aesthetically pleasing establishments!
Instead of going clubbing & then a curry we went back to the hotel for a few quiet drinks, sat in the lobby talking about how old we were all getting and how it was about time that Ian got hitched and the rest of us all started using Just for Men (well – for those of us that still have hair that is !).
Now I would just like to thank the South Yorkshire police for closing all routes out of Sheffield on the Sunday Morning– preventing us from a serious Go-karting Incident – which considering the fragility and remaining alcohol content, of most of us was probably a GOOD thing. However after numerous escape attempts to get out of Sheffield failed, we reluctantly gave up and went to the one safe haven we knew of ! The PUB for Sunday lunch !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, as I couldn't find some real dirt on Ian,( and believe me I've tried!), I thought that we should put him in the HOTSEAT instead !
Ok now to the serious stuff !!!
Play track 1
Well Ian – you are now in the Hot seat – you've held your nerve and played fastest vows first , this is your chance to play Who wants to be a husband ! –
Play track 2
In this Special edition direct from Whatley Hall in Oxfordshire we have only one question for the Star Prize for lifelong happiness.

Are you ready Ian !
Play track 3

The question, for the jackpot, is “What does Lisa sees in Ian –?”
Is it A)
His amazing resemblance to Rodney from
Only Fools and Horses. (cough – Say Nooooo behind hand) – Richard
Is it B)
His hell raising, Ozzy Osbourne type lifestyle (cough – Say Arsenal ! behind hand) – Tim
Is it C)
His ability to sit still, take in the atmosphere and not say a word for at least an hour whilst letting Lisa talk incessantly AND paying avid attention to every word she says AND managing to nod in the appropriate places !
Is it D)
His handsome looks,(allegedly!) his intelligent and witty mind, being bright , sexy, cool and hip , all at the same time, and being an overall Good and decent Bloke and no doubt a wonderful Husband !.

Oooo this is a difficult one!
Well looks like were going to either have to take a 50-50, Phone a wife , or ask the Audience !
Sorry Ian – what's that – 50-50 – well that's what the lifelines are there for !
Play track 4
And that just leaves C – his ability to sit still ands nod , and D – being a decent bloke !
What – Ian – Another lifeline !
Ok Phone a wife –
Ok – it's phone a wife time
(Adele play tape phone ringing)
Give Ian card and ask to read to Lisa –
Sorry Lisa what's that – C & D –
Final Answer ????? No????
You want to ask the audience ??????? Are you sure ?
Well we've got a strange audience tonight ! I can tell you that 49 % said C, 49% said D and 2 % said mushrooms !!!!!!!!!! Adele – is that you playing with the buttons again ??????- OK – so it's a fairly even split between c) nodding and d) good bloke !
Play track 6
Ok Ian – you've gone for C & D
Final answer –
Well I can tell you that the computer says –
Your right – Answers C & D are both Correct !!!!!!!!!!
Congratulation Ian – You win the Star Prize – you are a Husband and we wish you and Lisa all the happiness you deserve.
So, finally Ladies and Gentleman, may I please ask you to stand and join me in a toast to Lisa & Ian.
The Jackpot Prize – Lifelong Happiness
All the best.
The Toast is
Lifelong happiness

To Ian & Lisa