Speech by Nick

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nick
Speech Date: Jun2007
Ladies and gentlemen…… Good afternoon…………..Good afternoon to you all!.… Settle down at the back there!

Well it's finally here..… Richard and Caroline's wedding day everyone had a good day so far? … and the speeches pretty good so far?….well so far so good. Now it's the bit I've been dreading for some time …..yes… it's the best man's speech.

So, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Nick, and I have the honour of being Richard's best man.

As many of you know I've had the pleasure and pain of knowing Richard now for 17 years, since we met in our first week at university, two more amongst hundreds of other young innocent students also trying to find their feet.

So I've watched Richard has change from an athletic, baggy jumpered, floppy haired, single teenager into the

Professional, well dressed, somewhat less sporty

folically challenged

and as of today married..… Richard you see before you.

So it is a great honour to be here as Richards best man..… at least it felt like it 9 months ago when Richard asked me..… Standing here in front of you today, I'm really not so sure……

In all honesty I am actually a little nervous doing this. In fact if you're in this room right now feeling nervous.… Apprehensive..… and queasy.… at the thought of what lies ahead, then you're probably either the best man or you just got married to Richard […]

Now this isn't the first time I've given a best man's speech. In fact it's now 10 years since my last best man speech for Oliver and Susie who are both here tonight. So I can only assume that either Richards memory of that speech has faded, or his other best men turned him down.

However I hope I've learnt from the experience, and whilst I've not learnt the “don't be fooled – it might be an honour being a best man but there's a speech at the end of it” lesson, I hope I have at least learned the “don't kick the cake table” lesson.

Let me explain,

At the start of my last best mans speech, I unwittingly backed into the cake table – a cake table carrying a very nice, very tall, but rather fragile tiered cake. As I carried on with my speech I was amazed …..[SLOW] the audience was riveted……sadly to the teetering cake rather than my carefully crafted words.

I note the cake is safe tonight Rich – very wise.

THANK YOU FROM THE BRIDESMAIDS

Before we move onto the slanderous lies about Richard that forms the rest of my speech, my first duty is to ensure certain people are thanked for their part in the wedding day.

I'd like to start with a couple of people, who quite frankly have had it fairly easy today. Standing around pouting and looking pretty, but they have spent a lot of time on their hair, make-up and outfits…and without them, the day just wouldn't have been complete.

So, Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Ushers!! RICH, GUY, and JOE. Gentlemen please take a bow!

Seriously, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, KATIE and CLAIRE I'd like to thank Richard for his toast. You both look wonderful and as I'm sure everyone agrees you've done an excellent job today. Thank you.

And can I also say — CAROLINE you look truly stunning today ……..and RICHARD well you look………..… well, just stunned, mate!

TELEGRAMS

Just before I launch into the rest of my speech – I'd like to read you a couple of Telegrams / Cards that have arrived…

INTRODUCTION

Enough about that. So perhaps it's time for a few stories about Mr […]?? A few stories?

From my extensive research into best mans speeches, tradition now apparently dictates that I should tell a few tales.… And that these stories should not only be “informative to the audience”, but also may cause Rich a little discomfort. Indeed “it is common for there to be gentle teasing”. So let's see.…

As many of you probably know, with Richard the issue is not so much to find the stories as to decide which of the many to use!

And at this point I must thank the Vikings, who survived the stag weekend surfing, shooting and stickering Swansea and still had energy to provide stories that Richard probably hoped we might forget……
EARLY DAYS

Let's start from the beginning.

Richard “Nelbert” […] was born 35 years ago on 3rd March 1972.

35 years ago – 1972 – it's hard to believe

1972 – the year Britain joined the EEC, Apollo 16 was launched and the pocket calculator was invented.

And whilst this birthdate means you share a birthday with Ronan Keating and Fatima Whitbread lucky you! – it was the best I could find I promise it seems that no-one famous was actually born on 3rd March 1972. Not yet anyway – so Richard it's yours for the taking.

Richard eventually grew up enough to go to school in Nottingham. Here developed a number of traits and skills useful in his later life

At Sports Richard was at least twice as good as anyone else at any sport – Playing rugby for the school 1st team and I'm told winning more swimming badges than could be safely sewn onto his baggy speedos – quite impressive.

But it seems Richard also had a really caring side as a young man at school committed to helping others. In fact he even organised a lunchtime “fight club” in one of the classrooms – to provide a chance for less fortunate members of the school to brush up on their bare knuckle fighting skills – a vital skill for growing up in Nottingham so I'm told.

And it was also here that Richards renowned fashion skills were honed. Including a long lived passion for baggy jumpers, and a shorter lived experiment with floppy hair.

UNIVERSITY

So it was a sporty, baggy jumpered, floppy haired Richard […] that I met on my first day at University. Mercifully, the Speedos didn't make it.

To university Richard brought a comb for that floppy hair, an extensive collection of baggy woollen jumpers, a pile of music and his amazing cooking skills.

No seriously, I was really impressed, Richard without a cook-book could feed himself and even cook such exotic things as garlic bread – by himself.

Indeed his extensive wine mulling skills won Richard a place organising wine tasting events one year – a year memorable more for the quantity rather than the quality of wine available.

In sports Richard, carried on excelling. Playing rugby for the college 1st team, water polo and representing the university in both the 100m high hurdles and rugby league.

A ski trip with Richard around that time also gave Richard a chance to demonstrate his complete mastery of all things snow covered. Setting out on the first day we arrived at the top of an icy black run. Without stopping to check Richard set off. The resulting 300m fall down the black run was an astonishing demonstration of Richards skill or lack thereof and resulted in some hearty “congratulations” from the local piste patrol.

But it was also at University that Richard began to extend his passion for sports to include bar sports of all types, including the memorable Bar Olympics at […]. A pint of every beer to qualify, with points for every shot of spirits thereafter. Who won the bar Olympics I was never certain, but with a true sportsmans dedication Richard found himself a summer job in the […] which provided plenty of time to practice and hone his already impressive skills.

Somewhere amongst the sport and bar olympics, Richard must have found time to experiment on something other than his own liver, and I was amazed when he scraped through with a first, moving on to prop up the bars of [..] whilst doing a PhD in […] – whatever that is.

CAREER

After four years experimenting on creatures of limited intelligence, Richard moved on to do much the same thing for a major supermarket in Leeds, joining them as a Finance Trainee. Fabulous to see you making the best of 7 years of some of the finest science training the country can provide, Rich!

A move to [..] brought a by now slightly balding Richard to London, and the chance to practice his bar sports skills in a new environment.

Now as an accountant Richard always has an eye for a bargain. After a heroic night out drinking shortly after arriving in London, Richard decided to economise on accommodation by sleeping it off on the train home, being woken by the guard the following morning someway West of London.

A quick sprint across the platform to the returning early morning train, saw Richard fly headlong through the door to the carriage, scattering commuters, but leaving one foot stuck in the train door. A quick tug and the problem was solved, leaving one shoe neatly on the platform and Richard safely on his way back to work, minus a shoe, but looking great and ready for the day ahead – the consummate professional as always.

It was then to my great surprise that Richard revealed that his years of baggy jumpers had concealed a hidden affinity for the glamorous world of fashion and cosmetics, and Richard moved to join […] in London.

I remember a marked change around this time in Richard. Out went rugby and beer related conversations with the lads, and in came discussions on the merits of […] mascara with the girls.

And I have to report that there have also been faint but persistent rumours over a number of years that Richard may .… may……have at times experimented on himself with the full range of [..] products. Lovely lashes Rich by the way

Which almost brings us up to date.

RICHARD MEETING CAROLINE

Now, despite being footloose and fianc&#233e free for a while, Rich never gave up hope of meeting that someone special.

Although for someone who described themselves for the hen night quiz as “miserable, fat, and anti-social” it was obviously going to be a challenge! However the promise of a lifetime supply of cosmetics for the lucky girl certainly helped.

Katie one of our beautiful bridesmaids today tells me that Richard and Caroline first met in 2003 on a trip she organised walking in the Lake District.

How much Richard and Caroline managed to bond on the trip is debatable.…

Caroline as you know is rather sporty and rather keen – and apparently insisted on running up each hill, and probably doing some press ups and sit ups on the top to show off.

Richard on the other hand Bar Olympian that he is, was I'm told keen to “study the view” on the way up. Often every few steps.

Still a car ride back from the Lakes together, and a daytrip to Brighton listening to a copy of Peter Kay's Pheonix Nights in the car, combined with Carolines irresistible laugh worked its magic and the rest is history.

So Richard, today you leave here having gained a wonderful wife, who is funny, patient, beautiful, selfless and caring .…

Caroline, today you leave here with … well, a gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet .…

CLOSE

On a serious note for a moment…

Rich, we've had some excellent times together over the past 17 years. You have been a fantastic friend to me, I know I've always been able to call on you……so it really is a great honour despite everything to be your Best Man today.

I wish you and Caroline every happiness for the future…

TOAST

I started planning this speech a few weeks ago.… &amp it feels to me like I've actually been delivering it that long.

So it now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to be upstanding for Richard and the lovely Caroline!! The new Mr &amp Mrs […].