Speech by Nicol Watson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nicol Watson
Speech Date: Jun2004
Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen

Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I would like to thank Scott for his kind words. They have done a wonderful job and I know you will agree, Shirley looks stunning and Scott, you just look stunned.

With regard to you Scott, I am a tad upset that you copied my outfit today. What are the chances of that? Oh, and about your speech, you forgot to thank your beautiful wife for allowing you speak for five minutes without interrupting.

Now, I have only practiced my speech once and that was at the Newcastle Society for Haemorrhoids buffet lunch. Obviously that was a standing buffet only

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Nicol, can I buy you a drink? Please feel free to come introduce yourselves throughout the rest of the day.

Thank you all for coming. A special mention goes out to Pat and his parents. They have come all the way from North Carolina to be here today. Isn't it amazing how far people will come for a free meal?

A quick fact at this juncture: did you know that frowning involves more muscles than smiling? Thus, you guys are either lazy or actually glad to see me. Scott did say that if I did a terrific job today that I would be best man at his next wedding. How am I doing so far? Only joking Shirley

Seriously, when Scott eventually asked me I was a proud man and honoured to stand before you today. He initially offered me £10; I said no. He offered me £20; I said no. With £30 (show money) I said definitely.

The staff have requested that following my speech, for safety reasons, you please refrain from getting up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

So what about Scott? He was born in 1977 and like me, I think we cab both thank the hot summer of 1976 for our existence here today. Regrettably, I have only known Scott for 8 years. We met when I caught him leering at the lovely ladies in the gym and swimming pool of Aberdeen Petroleum Club. Those were the days (look up)- what ever happened to your pictures? Now, traditionally I would have rattled off stories that embarrass Scott and worry Shirley. However, I shall not be taking that approach today as I have been told to keep it short and to NOT mention many events (why didn't you write my speech mate?). I shall tell you everything at the bar later Shirley.

Several words sum up our friendship since that summer working together:

Chalies ‘how much for a lapdance?’
The College watching Crossroads in the cinema
Amadeus
The Dolphin Chippy
Macclesfield
Portugal
Newcastle
His vomiting
Now, I know that these words mean little to you, the audience, but to he and I they represent memories I treasure. We have had excellent times together and I know we always will. We are best mates and I am honoured to be your best man (have hug and pretend to need Kleenex)

Right, compose myself. Time for cards and messages from absent friends:

Dave
Kirsty,
Duncan
My Mum & Dad
Euan

Dear Scott,
Congratulations on your wedding today! Your lifetime membership and regular seat have been approved. Best Wishes, the Management, Private Eyes Lap dancing Club, Aberdeen.

To Scott, have a wonderful day. It is a shame that there will be no more lying by the pool getting to know one another. Regards, Michael Barrymore.

Scott, pity that you never made it as a professional footballer. Your positioning and stamina left a lot to be desired. Hopefully Shirley will have better luck with that. Signed, all your football coaches.

Enough hilarity. Shirley, you look beautiful today and I want to take this opportunity to wish you and Scott a long and healthy life together.

Ladies & gentlemen please raise your glasses for Mr. & Mrs. MacKenzie