Speech by Nigel Bettridge

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nigel Bettridge
Speech Date: Oct 2000
Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls.

I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat – If I go on to long Amanda has threatened to cut it!!

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank Ian for his kind words, I have to agree that they look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

I was obviously very honoured when Ian asked me to be the best man today, this is the fourth time that I have been given this duty over the year's and I can assure you it is just as nerve racking as the first time. However this is my opportunity to get back at Ian who was my best man 12 years ago at the tender age of 20. I don't want to worry him, but the other three couples that I have been best man for are no longer together.

I hope I am not a bad OMEN!!

Now before, I go on to completely slander Ian's character as is traditional, I consulted a book entitled "The best man's check list" and I must confess I am mystified by some of the things I am expected to do: –

1. Bring cheque book or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten – which knowing Ian will be most of them, So I have got about £2000 on me!!
2. Help the groom get dressed ………….No I don't think so some how.
3. Ensure the groom
a. Uses the toilet
b. Ties his shoelaces
c. Make sure his face and hair are in order (God did not put them in order the first time around, so what chance do I have!)
d. Make sure nothing is between his teeth ( or is that his ears!)
e. Finally make sure his trouser fly is done up.(again I dont think so!!

It sounds to me like his mother should have been best man…………….…

And talking about Mum, and as some of you will know – it is her birthday today and she said to me earlier that finally getting Ian off her hands was the best Birthday Present that she could ever have asked for.

(WISH MUM HAPPY BIRTHDAY)

Ian was born in 1968, the year that scientist's devised the Epidural to ease the pain of Childbirth, and whilst Mother was one of the lucky first to eeperience this, Ian has been a pain ever since ..… as I will explain.

He finally left the Hotel Bettridge in 1993 at the age of 25, moving 4 miles away to Gt Moulton, but still near enough to home for bringing back washing and Ironing for mum to do at the weekend – as well as inviting himself round for Sunday Lunch. For those of you in the room today who ever visited either of Ian's bachelor pads, there was never any food or drink in the cupboards and I know from my own experience that when ever Jayne and I visited him we would always take our own milk so we could have a coffee!

In 1996 he moved to Norwich but even though the distance was further the Launderette and Restaurant at the Hotel Bettridge always seemed open.
Ian has always been very keen on sporting activities, although we somtimes wonder where he got the energy– because most weekends during his single life were spent lying horizontal asleep on somebodys sofa… this seems to stem back to his childhood where he had the ability to fall asleep anywhere and at any time and because of this Mum and Dad nicknamed him Noddy!!!

Going back to sport, Ian's first love is basketball and we are joined today by many of Ian's team mates. I would like to take this opportunity to call upon a couple of them to sum up Ians general character and sporting attribute.

(ALAN……JOHN………GAVIN say a few words)

It is at this point in the speech that I should make a mention of our Stag weekend trip to Amsterdam back June, but as we haven't all night I will keep quiet on that subject and just say banana's

We began to wonder if Ian would ever settle down – he always played his cards close to his chest where girlfriends where concerned and when he reached 30 we thought he was destined to be a bachelor or was he waiting to come out of the closet!!. Desperately his friends put an ad in the local paper saying ‘wife wanted’, unfortunately the only replies he got were from men saying, "you can have mine".

It was about this time that he met Amanda although it took quite a while for him to introduce her to our family, we were extremely pleased when they announced their engagement.

I believe marriage is a wonderful thing .… Marriage will teach Ian loyalty, self-restraint, and control… It will develop in him a sense of fair play and many other qualities he wouldn't need if he had stayed single. I asked Ian what he was looking for in marriage – he said love, happiness and eventually a family. When I asked Amanda the same question – she replied a Coffee Perculator!

Now, Ian and Amanda will be the first to admit that they are not mere youngsters setting our on the road of marriage, so its fair to say that there must be some past instants here..…

Because of this I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper.
It read as follows:

Notice to all the Ladies of Norwich and surrounding area, Former Bachelor extradinaire Ian D. Bettridge is getting married on 7th October 2000, to Miss Amanda Ellis, would those of you still retaining keys to his house kindly return them to the best man at the address below before this date. If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so.

I have a few of the more interesting keys here:-

1. Thong – note saying "good luck Ian"
2. Handcuffs – Note saying "You can have these but I'm keeping the whip"
3. Mens ‘Y’ Fronts – Good Luck – Lots of Love- Leroy
(I am sure this is just a misunderstanding).
4. Box of Viagra – I think you might need these.

We might be asking ourselves what Amanda sees in Ian, I do as well. But they do say that love is blind, so I'd just like to say to Ian, you are a lucky groom marrying Amanda today. She deserves a good husband – so thank goodness you married her before she found one!

Finally whilst researching this speech (yes it was prepared!) I asked some other couples for advise for Ian and Amanda on having a happy life together.
 Remember – marriage is not a word, it's a sentence – you get less for murder!
 There are five rings involved in marriage Engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering, torturing and enduring.
 And lastly – always tell your wife those three important little words……..You're Right Dear.( As you would have heard our father saying many times!)

Before I make the toasts, I have a few words of wisdom to pass on:-

To AMANDA

If you love something……………………………….set it free
If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours.
If it never returns it was never yours to begin with
If it returns and just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses the telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place..…
Then you either married it or gave birth to it!

Before I finish I would like to ask Ian and Amanda to participate in the speech now. Amanda, If I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table –
Ian…….If you would like to place your hand directly on top of Amanda's
……………..make the most of it Ian, This is the last time you will have the upper hand.

In all seriousness though, my final words are to you Ian and Amanda. I am very proud to be best man here today and I'm so pleased that Ian has found such a wonderful and loving wife. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, can I please ask you to stand and join me in a toast to the Bride and Groom………

Before I leave you all, I would like to read out some cards from those who could not make it today…………( I put the below in a couple of cards and read them out with the rest!!)

From all the Lads at Diss cricket club
We have found Ian to be useless in every position – I hope Amanda has more luck …….congratulations.

This special message came to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
if you need advice or any tips.
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips