Speech by Nigel Booth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nigel Booth
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Best Man's Note: This speech was prepared to the n'th degree. One of my
aims was to play a game of bingo with the guests and I collaborated with the
hotel staff so that they assisted me by (1) distributing to each table an
envelope containing a bingo card for each guest and a few pencils; and (2)
producing from an ante-room a bingo "machine".

The bingo "machine" was one I had made myself with tremendous assistance
from my grandfather. It was simply a box with a flap on a wooden base unit.
The box had a copper rod through it so that at each side of the box some of
the rod stuck out. It was therefore very easy to place those sticking out
bits of copper rod into grooves which had been sawn into the base unit. The
box and base unit were both decorated. The box could be spun round (it
contained six table-tennis balls) in the grooves.

Each table was given the same set of bingo cards as all the other tables.
The bingo game was totally rigged so that on a particular number being
called out, one guest on each table would complete a line and cry out
"Bingo!". It wasn't intended to be a game as such; rather it was a device to
keep the attention of the guests – and a means to introduce some humour
since the descriptions accompanying each called-out number had a relevance
to the particular story being told. My brother acted as "caller" and had a
copy of the speech in front of him as he stood by the bingo machine so that
he knew his cues to pull out a table-tennis ball and call out the number,
and he simply put the ball back in the box before spinning it round again.

This may all sound complete faff, but believe me IT WORKED! The whole speech
lasted 19 minutes and produced an "event" rather than just a speech. Here is
the speech, plus appropriate Stage Directions –

_______________________________________________________________________

STAGE DIRECTION: AS THE FIRST SPEECH (FATHER OF THE BRIDE) BEGINS, THE HOTEL
STAFF WILL QUIETLY DISTRIBUTE THE ENVELOPES TO THE TABLES.

_______________________________________________________________________

Harry Potter, for those of you who have been living in a cupboard for the
last 12 months, is a cheery and confident little boy to whom inexplicable
things happen – inexplicably. In the first book,"Harry Potter and the
Philosophers’ Stone", for example, in the first couple of chapters alone –

1. Harry gets into trouble for being on the school chimney – but he doesn't
know how he got there ;
2. He goes to the zoo and whilst innocently talking with a snake – he doesn’
t know how he can – the glass screen of the cage vanishes – he doesn't know
how ;
3. His Aunt Petunia has his hair cut and the moment he arrives home it's
grown again – he doesn't know how ;
4. He is forced into an old jumper of his cousin's Dudley Dursley, but it
suddenly shrinks uncontrollably so that it doesn't fit him – he doesn't know
how ;
5. He innocently opens a door and is amazed when he finds behind it a
three-headed carniverous, drooling and hungry wolfhound called Fluffy. Doesn
‘t know why.

Things just happen to him. He doesn't know why. But the most curious thing
of all is that complete strangers in the street suddenly stop and stare at
him for no apparent reason. He doesn't know why. Until – that is – he
encounters Hagrid, the caretaker at Hogwarts School of Wizardry and
Witchcraft, and learns the most amazing truth – Harry Potter is a wizard.

Ladies and Gentlemen, girls and boys; friends, relatives and hangers-on, it’
s my duty today to tell you all a little about A B C. Not all of you will
know him very well, some of you will know him all too well. I have known A
for less than a fifth of his life so far but I've got a theory. After
reading the first book in the Harry Potter series, A was heard to exclaim
that if he were at Hogwarts, Harry Potter would be his best friend. I
believe that the amazing truth about A B C is that he is a wizard – and I
believe that by the end of my speech, you will believe it too!

STAGE DIRECTIONS:

1 HOTEL STAFF BRING THE BINGO EQUIPMENT UP TO THE TOP TABLE AND SET IT UP TO
MY LEFT AT THE END OF THE TABLE
2 CHRIS GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND COMES TO STAND IN POSITION NEXT TO THE
BINGO EQUIPMENT.
3 AS THE BINGO EQUIPMENT IS BEING SET UP I WILL SAY THE FOLLOWING
PARAGRAPH –
Ladies and Gentlemen, please open the envelopes which the waiters have been
handing out to each table – you will find a set of bingo cards, everyone
should have one. You should also have a pencil each. Mark off the numbers as
we go. First one to complete a line wins. Shout out "Bingo!" when you've
done it.

A's life began on 28th February 1978 (they're not bingo numbers, by the
way). I've researched the year, and can find nothing of any importance at
all that happened, unless you count the Smurfs appearing on TV for the first
time.

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

That Harry Potter cheer and confidence was shown when he was taken to school
for the first time. As his Mum was leaving the classroom, A called after
her, "I'll be alright, Mum – I'll come home if I don't like it!"

CHRIS FIVE AND ONE
NIGEL OK Mum!
CHRIS FIFTY-ONE

Of course, after his training at Hogwart's School of Wizardry and
Witchcraft, A had to learn to blend in with the non-Wizard, or Muggle,
world – he needed some experience at pretending to be normal. So he enrolled
on a medicine course at a Muggle University in XYZ. It was a natural choice
since he had displayed an aptitude for medical diagnosis since an early age.

When he was about twelve, for example, he went on holiday to Newquay. One
day he had been out at the beach with a friend he'd made and returned later
in the day for a barbeque. Shovelling his tea down, as he does, he calmly
stated in a matter-of-fact voice, "Found a dead body today, Mum."

CHRIS NUMBER FIVE
NIGEL Man alive?
CHRIS NUMBER FIVE

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

Obviously his Mum was a little concerned about this, and she asked how he
knew it was dead. A's reply? "He didn't shout at us when we kicked sand in
his face!"

As it happened, Ladies and Gentlemen, there was indeed a dead man on the
beach. An unfortunate pensioner, naked apart from the binoculars round his
neck, had suffered a heart-attack whilst lying in the sand dunes.

NIGEL – SEVEN AND ‘O’
CHRIS Three-score and ten
NIGEL BLIND SEVENTY

NIGEL THREE AND'O’
CHRIS Dirty Girty
NIGEL NUMBER THIRTY

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

Why did this happen to A, Ladies and Gentlemen? How many ordinary people do
you know who inexplicably find dead bodies on beaches? A doesn't know why it
happened to him: things just do, he can't explain it.

In keeping with his Muggle medical training, A has tried to develop a steady
hand and an ability with the surgeon's knife. This has led to him slashing
the new kitchen lino; dropping a knife on the new kitchen worktop, and
gouging a piece out. He dropped the iron at Mum and Dad's house, and burnt
the carpet, and whilst drilling a hole in the patio door so that he could
fit a lock, the whole door shattered.

NIGEL FOUR AND NINE
CHRIS A smashing time!
NIGEL FORTY-NINE

Not his fault, you understand – things just happen to him.

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

At Mum and Dad's house he snapped the towel rail off the wall

NIGEL SIX AND SIX
CHRIS Clickety Click!
NIGEL SIXTY-SIX

Switched on the living room light – it broke
Sat on the deckchair and flattened it (that was only last Thursday!)
Broke the hosepipe
And the high-level pruner
Cut through the wire of the hedgetrimmer – all the fuses went in the house
Pulled the T bar off Dad's spade that Dad had been using without incident
for 25 years

NIGEL TWO AND FIVE
CHRIS Twenty five
NIGEL TWO AND FIVE

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

Why him? He doesn't know, these things just happen. Then there is the story
of the leaf-picker-upper. A volunteered to help with the gardening, so with
Mum by his side (to keep an eye on him) he plugged in the leaf-picker-upper,
switched it on, and began to hoover up the leaves. Then suddenly and
mysteriously the machine stopped. Mum opened it up and was amazed to find
that the entire engine had disintegrated! Ladies and Gentlemen, how many
non-Wizard people do you know who could have caused that to happen? He can't
explain it – these things just happen to him.

So Mum and Dad bought a replacement leaf-picker-upper, and they were woken
by A one morning when he poked his head round the door and said, "The
leaf-picker-upper has broken again." He returned a short while later – "The
good news is, the leaf-picker-upper is not broken.

NIGEL LUCKY SEVEN
CHRIS God in Heaven!
NIGEL NUMBER SEVEN

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

At last, something he hadn't broken. But the bad news? The plug socket had
blown!

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

Ladies and Gentlemen, no one has ever seen A play Quidditch, practise with a
wand, talk to an owl or receive a Howler. But I believe that each strand of
circumstantial evidence ties to form a rope secure enough to support my
theory that my sister has married a wizard – and not a very good one at
that, more of a Neville Longbottom than a Harry Potter.

It is the reverse of the Midas touch. Everything he comes into contact with
self-destructs. Whilst waiting outside the optician's consulting room, as my
sister was having her eyes tested, he innocently rested his arm on the
radiator. It fell off the wall.

NIGEL EIGHT AND FIVE
CHRIS Test his eyes!
NIGEL EIGHTY-FIVE

STAGE DIRECTION: CHRIS SPINS THE BOX

At the Olympus Sports shop in Stockport's Peel Centre, he practiced a few
shots with a badminton racquet he was thinking of buying and knocked over
the entire display. Still at the Peel Centre, he went into Homebase where he
picked up a CD rack – only for the top fell off. He went to the Peel Centre
Curry's where he reached up to examine a new type of kettle that changes
colour when it boils. A section of shelving collapsed dropping toasters and
kettles onto the floor.

NIGEL SEVEN AND FOUR
CHRIS On the floor!
NIGEL SEVENTY FOUR

AT THIS MOMENT, THERE WILL BE SEVERAL CALLS OF "BINGO!" I SAY THE
FOLLOWING –

Oh, good. There are no prizes. I just wanted to see if it would work.

It's got to the stage now, Ladies and Gentlemen, that my Mum and Dad
deliberately take A with them when they go shopping so that he can give
everything the once over before they decide to buy.

But if any of you are not yet sure.

If any of you still persist in believing that the trail of disaster which A
leaves in his wake is nothing but rotten bad luck, let me offer you two
conclusive means of proof.

First, you will all know that Jonathan has his magical animal, Hedwig the
Owl, to keep him company just as his pal Ron Weasley has Scabbers the rat
and Hermione has Crookshanks the cat – well, A has Bessie the Bunny!

STAGE DIRECTION: I PRODUCE FROM A BAG BEHIND ME A CUDDLY TOY WHICH A USED TO
HAVE AS A CHILD

The second means of proof is the proof of a spell which A was seen to cast
in public. It is the story of Mum's broken toe. On a trip to B&Q, A
realised that one of the store's wheelchairs would be just the thing and he
came across one in the car park. Luckily it was motorised and it wasn't long
before A was displaying that youthful exhuberance for which we know him so
well. Faster and faster he raced round the store, outstripping by a mile
another, less fortunate, customer who was propelling herself in a push-only
wheelchair, and who was almost derailed several times in A's tailwind. On
and on, he sped – he was trying to take off! And that's the point, Ladies
and Gentlemen. As he rocketed down and round the aisles, he was heard to
mutter, "Levitatibus Maximus Mummius". It was an audacious attempt at a
flight spell.

However, the capacity for things to go wrong, as you might expect, was never
far away. It turned out that that the unfortunate customer in the manual
wheelchair actually owned the electric one. She had just managed to lever
herself in to her car from her motorised wheelchair when it was so cruelly
whipped from her, leaving her to engage in a forlorn and lengthy chase to
get it back.

Ladies and Gentlemen, there we have it. I have unmasked A for what he really
is – a Wizard marrying into a Muggle family. But we think that's no bad
thing. When he walked into my sister's life, he walked into ours (and don't
we know it!) and he brought a little magic with him. His unfailing good
humour and optimism have enriched our lives and he has become as much a part
of our family as every one of us. I can hardly remember a time when he wasn’
t around. Chris and I are proud to have him as a brother-in-law.

So if I could ask you all to stand and raise your glasses as we remember the
wise words of Oscar Wilde –

"The man who thinks his wife cannot take a joke forgets that she took him."

Oh. Just one telegram. It's from the manager of the Peel Centre: "Sod Off
and Don't Come Back!"

Nigel Booth
September 2001