Speech by Nigel Booth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nigel Booth
Speech Date: Aug 1999
[ PLACE GONG ON TABLE ]

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, friends relatives, hangers on and hotel staff, let's get two things straight: first, I understand that there is a bit of a bet going on about the length of the Best Man's [ pause, as if to examine papers a little ] s p e e c h. I've put a bit of money down myself, actually, so I think I know who's going to win that one! Second, I've been to about four Weddings over the course of the last couple of years and it's true what I read in an etiquette book. The Best Man's speech serves to give those present at the Wedding an introduction to the Groom. You won't all know him very well, and by the time I've finished this speech you may wish you didn't know him at all. It's just that the speeches I heard, without exception, blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom – and frankly I can see no reason why this speech should be any different. It's all the more fun, as well, because Hanna's married him now and it's too late!

It is a great honour to be Best Man at my brother's Wedding . . . as well as being utterly terrifying. Being Best Man is a bit like being asked to kiss the Queen Mother – a privilege to be asked, but nobody really wants to do it.

[BANG GONG]

As a consequence, I have enlisted the help of my good friend, Johnny Boy, who will kindly assist at the appropriate moments.

[SUMMON JOHNNY BOY AND MOVE TO BOTTOM OF ROOM TO WHERE VIDEO PLAYER AND LARGE SCREEN HAVE BEEN SET UP]

This etiquette book I read caused me some concern because I read that my duties as Best Man are actually supposed to begin before this speech; I was apparently supposed to ensure the following –

1. That the groom is dressed properly. Hmmmmn. Ladies and gentlemen, this is no mean feat.

[PLAY SLIDE 1 NOW: CHRIS AGED 12 MONTHS PULLING UP PANTS]

(And you may think that strange coming from a Best Man whose shoes collapsed so that he had to wear Dr Martens to the Wedding) As you can see, I had to start with the basics.

[ STOP AFTER SLIDE 1: PULLING UP PANTS ]

2. That the groom's face and hair are in order. Well, Nature had a struggle first time round first time round, so I don't see what chance I stand! Anyway I seemed to manage it fairly well and here we are.

My first task today is to reply to Chris's toast on behalf of the Bridesmaids . . . [ TO BRIDESMAIDS ]anything you want to say ? Could I thank Chris for his kind remarks about the bridesmaids. The two Laura's and Cathy have done a stirling job throughout the day: not only have they looked absolutely smashing, but they have been absolutely smashing. They have made their considerable contribution to making the Wedding a success – in fact it's been so emotional that even the cake was in tiers!

[BANG GONG]

So if I could ask you to stand and raise your glasses to Cathy and the two Lauras.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I remember when I first met Chris [PAUSE FOR POSSIBLE LAUGH]. He was little, bald and a bit dribbly, all of which characteristics he has thankfully lost over the years. Even before he was born I was excited at the prospect of having a little brother. I remember feeling him inside Mummy's tummy. He never came out to play, though – mainly because he wasn't allowed out of his womb!

[BANG GONG]

He finally made an appearance in October 1974. I did ask Mum and Dad where babies come from and on looking back through the family albums recently I found the answer to where this baby came from.

[ PLAY SLIDE 2 CHRIS IN PRAM IN FIELD ]

We just found him! The problem was, though, that it wasn't so easy to get rid of him again.

[ SLIDE 3: CHRIS IN PRAM BEHIND "FOR SALE" SIGN ]

[ STOP AFTER SLIDE 3 IS FINISHED ]

I took the trouble to find out what — other — important events occurred in 1974, so that Hanna might at least get an idea of what was happening in the world when her husband was born and to see if I could shed any light on what Chris might be like.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can reveal that in 1974 free family planning first became available on the NHS. Also in 1974, the three-day working week was introduced and the three-day working week made such an impression on the young Christopher Richard that he has stuck to it throughout his life. Interestingly, Chris shares his Birthday with the model Kate Moss, and I'm pleased to say that this is all he has shared with her.

Twelve months ago when Chris asked me to be his Best Man, I began to panic about this speech, and believe me I've been panicking ever since. I asked my family what on earth I could say. As quick as a flash Laura said, "you could tell them about the time he got thrown out of badminton club, judo club, the supermarket and Sunday School, told the piano teacher she had a nice moustache, and tried to burn the shed down". That would be too embarrassing for the poor lad, though, so instead I'll tell you about his dribbling. You see, Chris has always been a bit of a dribbler.

[ PLAY SLIDE 4 AND SLIDE 5 CONTINUOUSLY. PAUSE ON SLIDE 5 (EGGBOX ON HEAD) ]

You wouldn't think that such an angelic face could be responsible for such a continuous stream of complete dribble, but if we just pause on SLIDE 5 for a moment, you can see a prime example. Displaying early signs of intelligence, Chris tried everything to distract attention from his dribbling. Here he's trying to blame it on the rain.

[ PLAY ON TO SLIDE 6 (CHRIS AGED 3 WEARING GOGGLES AND EATING YOGHURT) AND STOP WHEN SLIDE 6 IS FINISHED ]

In fact, the dribbling became such a problem that even Chris himself was forced to take out some protection.

[ STOP AFTER SLIDE 6: GOGGLES]

We went on a Haven Holiday to Cornwall [PAUSE FOR "DEVON" INTERRUPTION] and the dribbling had reached such epic proportions

[ PLAY ON TO SLIDE 7 (CHRIS AT HOLIDAY CAMP WEARING TOWELS)

that we just sent him round wearing a towel and bath gear.

The girls of his own age were rendered speechless by his fashion sense (so speechless, in fact, that they did not speak to him).

[BANG GONG]

He failed to impress them; however, the more mature ladies of 70+ were very taken with his charm.

As Chris progressed through life, the dribble became too much and led to a temporary aversion to water,

[ PLAY SLIDE 8: CHRIS IN TEARS SURING HAIR WASHING]

especially when hair washing was involved. All of which makes a neat link. It was whilst at Haven Holidays that Chris developed the demon dancer secret side to his personality. He has carried this forward into adulthood, though it has so far only manifested itself, in public at least, on two occasions.

The first was when Chris turned 18 and he was out with Jackie, Lesley, Richard, Susie and James among others. The lovely liquor persuaded him that it would be a good idea to dance the lambada with the lampposts near the Romper pub. Unfortunately I've not got a photograph of that. This later on involved an embarrassing incident with someone's pet cat, though I was never able to get to the bottom of that. I'm sure Chris will be all too happy to explain this to anybody with a special interest a little later. The demon dancer's second outing was at university when he was involved in the embarrassing falling asleep in the nightclub escapade. Curiously, little is known about that, too, except for the fact that he went off to collect the coats at the end of the evening and never returned, leaving his friends to walk home coatless in the cold. Legend has it that he was woken up first thing in the morning by the cleaners.

When planning this speech I was all too aware of a temptation to give you a biased view of my brother. I was particularly pleased, then, to bump into an old friend of mine (of ours) in a shop in Marple a few months ago. Elaine Jones used to live across the road from us when we lived on Wheelwright Close in Marple and I asked her about Chris and what she remembered of him. "He was a little sod!" she said, "We used to have such a laugh!" and she provided this photograph of one of her birthday parties. You'll need to look carefully,

[ PLAY SLIDE 9 AND PAUSE THE PICTURE : CHRIS STICKING TONGUE OUT AT KIDS’ PARTY]

Chris is at the far left of the picture. Hanna, what have you done?

[ LET SLIDE 9 FINISH, THEN STOP ]

Anyway, enough cheap shots. Ladies and Gentlemen, Christopher Richard Booth is my brother, and I'm proud to say that he's a quality act. I can't really imagine how he's feeling right now, sitting next to his new wife. How does the first day of the rest of your life feel like for a man whose single greatest achievement so far was getting Lionel Blair's autograph? Though his dribbling would have equipped him better for a career in football (and would have given me the chance to make the gag about being fully committed every week, scoring every Saturday, changing ends at half time and playing away half the season), the sporting edge has stayed with him and he's making his way as a respected tennis umpire. I can honestly say that I never thought I'd see him made Judge before me. Hanna, you'll be alright. You've married a man with more common sense than I'll ever have who can face life's difficulties with a smile. He has a sense of humour and natural wit which will help you through your years together. I know that you'll enjoy a long and happy life.

Just before I finish, let me use the video and television just one more time. Not photographs this time. I don't think Chris even knows that this video footage still exists, and I know that he doesn't know that I have it. It serves to demonstrate, Hanna, that there will never be a dull moment when Chris is around.

[ PLAY VIDEO: AMUSING FAMILY VIDEO ]

On behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day together. I started planning this speech a month ago, and it feels as though I've been delivering it for just as long. It gives me great pleasure to invite you to stand and raise your glasses to Chris and Hanna.

Congratulations on the termination of your isolation. May I express an appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which has caused you so much consternation, but gave you the inspiration to make a combination and – who knows? – bring an accumulation to the population.

In other words, may your love be modern and survive the times; yet old-fashioned and live forever. To the future happiness of the Bride and Groom.

Just a couple of telegrams from people who couldn't be here today.

· ROD AND SUE

· From the President of the Lawn Tennis Association: "We've found Chris to be useless in every position; hope Hanna has better luck."

· a poem, "This special message comes to say, Hope all goes well on your Wedding day. If you need advice or any tips, Call 0891 and ask for Hot Lips!"

Must be the wrong Wedding party.

Anyway, anyone know the Queen Mother's phone number?