Speech by Nigel Lomas

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nigel Lomas
Speech Date: Jul 2002
My name is Nigel and I'm and alcoholic …..PAUSE and look around ….Sorry wrong speech.

A wise man told me that the speech should last as long as it takes the groom to make love, so I bid you good afternoon and thank you.

Charlie if you are running a book can you put me down for 82 minutes.

In time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Andrew the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of the day. Which to be fair is only what he gives Sarah every-time they go to bed.

We are here to celebrate a love match: Pure and Simple. Sarah is pure and Andrew is, well he's not Stephen Hawking. For those of you who are related to the Sarah and perhaps don't know Andrew very well please allow me to gives you an insight to Andrew for the seventeen years I have known him. Having worked with Andrew and been a friend of his through thick and thin, Sarah can rest assured that she has a wonderful husband and he is an excellent father to Hugh, and that's the last nice thing I'll say about him.

When Andrew asked me if I wanted to go and see All Saints today I thought GREAT we were on for a fun day out with Nic Nat and shazney. Little did I realise All Saints was a church and I was on my way to a wedding.

Unfortunately, or fortunately depends on what way you look at it, I didn't know Andrew at school so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his education, however I did manage to get hold of an old school report.

Geography
Andrew is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst Andrew is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
Andrews’ understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Alison, Andrew's sister who works with him, said, ‘Working with Andrew is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.

When we were waiting at the church today I asked Sarah's mum about some stories from her childhood. She said "nothing seems to have changed really , 30 years ago she was putting Sarah to bed with a dummy, HERE WE GO AGAIN"

Now for those of you who don't know, loves young dream first met in a disco when Andrew's brother in-law Charlie was trying to show Andrew the ways of the world and the sites of Newport, Andrew tells me he had gone out looking for the ugly sisters and came back with Cinderella.

Unfortunately they decided on a trial separation from the start as Sarah was working in Scandinavia so Andrew had to make do with Sarah's attentions on weekends only. I didn't think sleeping in separate beds was a good idea but I suppose Newport and Oslo are a bit far apart. During this separation period Andrew was convinced that Sarah was following him, but his actual words were that he had a big stalker.

The happy couple sealed their engagement by Andrew whisking Sarah away to Paris and proposing to her on the top of the Eifel tower which she immediately accepted otherwise he would have thown her off it, I suggested the Newport Wave Sculptor for the venue but he didn't fancy that. (ONCE CLAPPING HAS FINISHED)……thanks for that, the last time I had a clap like that I had to take antibiotics for about a fortnight.

Unfortunately Andrew's father who had been ill for some time passed away during the trip but on his father's advice the family didn't try to contact Andrew as he knew Andrew meeting Sarah was one of the most happiest times for the Thomas family in recent years.

Toast – Absent Friends

We had the obligatory Stag day which started with some clay Pigeon Shooting (mainly because Andrew already had some experience of this and he fancied getting one up on most of us) but what he didn't tell us was his experience of shouting pull (which I think was the line he used with Sarah) try and hit this one then. The rest of the day endurred the high life of Newports pubs and Clubs with Andrew dressed as Elvis (and no he can't dance like him) ….I've got the photos if anyone is interested.

Now onto Sarah what can I say except she's kind, Caring and Intelligent and a woman like that deserves a good husband, so it's lucky for Andrew he got in there before she found one. Sarah or "Penders" as she is better known was born in the year that the first Video Recorder was launched by Philips little did she know that she would end up marrying the guy who could actual set the timer on one, but after he'd sold you a TV, Fridge, dishwasher and Washing machine.

One piece of advice I read before the wedding today regarding the service was that ..

1) Aisle – the longest walk you will ever take
2) Altar – the place where two become one
3) Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Sarah must have read the same book because when she was walking up the aisle I'm sure I heard her whispering, Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle alter hymn ….…

For Sarah I have the following advice – men are like a fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have to have dinner with!

On the other hand, Sarah, women are also like a fine wine – they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then they turn full-bodied until they go vinegary and they give you a headache!

I have taken the job of being best man seriously and a few of my jobs were..… to make sure Andrew got to church on time, which he was, that he was well dressed and looking smart which I'm sure you will agree he is, and he got a good nights sleep last night, and I'm pleased to report he slept like a baby….he woke up every half hour crying for his mum.

Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without whom today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will shuffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the barstaff.

Seriously though. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. Cheers and congratulations.

Telegrams

OK, on to the cards. We have actually received some messages from people who unfortunately couldn't be with us today.

We've got one here just for Sarah. It reads, we could have been so good together. Why did you settle for him? And that's from …….George Clooney.

Another one for Sarah. I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married. And that one's from….… Brad Pitt.

And finally there's one here for Andrew. "Hope all goes well on your wedding
day – If you need advice or any tips,Call 0898 696969 and that's an email from
Bigboys are us.

For those of you who don't know me. My name is "Nige what are you drinking" and I am Andrew's best man. I'll be around later so please do not hesitate to come and introduce yourself, but I must insist you call me by my full name.

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and groom for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.