Speech by Nigel Marshall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nigel Marshall
Speech Date: May2007
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to start by introducing myself, I'm nigel and I'm the best man for today. My full name in fact is Nigel Wouldyoulikea pint. So if you happen to see me at the bar later, i really appreciate it if you would refer to me by my full name.

I have to say this has been a truly magnificent wedding and Barry and Dawn should be congratulated for all the hard work involved in organising such a wonderful occasion.
It's my job to compliment the beautiful bride and say something profound about Barry. The first part is easy. Dawn Hyacinth, you look stunning and Barry is a very lucky man.

I looked up the meanings of Dawn Hyacynth's name and discovered that Dawn means &quot princess&quot and Hyacynth means &quotgracious&quot which seems particularly appropriate for this occasion.

I'm sure everyone agrees that the bridesmaids Hazel, Trina and Tracy look absolutely stunning today. I must say that they have all performed their duties outstandingly, it can't have been easy dragging Dawn to the church … especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.

A big thank you to the ushers Adam and Kev for a job well done today.

Especially considering they all have difficulty with the alphabet and their left and right. So I'm glad everyone was sent to the correct place in the church.

When Barry asked me to be his Bestman, naturally I was delighted but I did ask him if he was sure he wanted me?

Looking round at all the great friends that Barry has it really does makes me feel humble to have been asked from among such a group of close friends.

But then looking at his Ushers, I can understand why he chose me.

I had hoped Dawn would be wearing white today, as then I would have an excuse to make a sexist joke-but who needs an excuse!

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: To blend in with everything else in the kitchen!

Well i first met Barry at college 12 years ago when he was going through his east 17 phase with him wearing tartan trousers, a baggy t-shirt and a tartan hat.

It is a shame that he never studied geography at college because I am sure he would have done very well. To start with he geographically knew where every single pub in Guisborough was. Of course, this was at the cost of the subjects that he should have been studying and a cost to the council for cleaning up the mess he would leave on the streets.

Speaking of mess, Barry has a tendency of getting himself into trouble when he is out. Sometimes through no fault of his own, wrong time wrong place i would call it. Club M, Scarborough and Skelton working mans club just to name a few. The story of the Working mans club was that Barry was dancing away in his own 2 foot by 2 foot square as he does when one of our mates, Mark to be precise came along and poured a full pint of lager over Barry's head. Why you may ask, well Mark explained that it he thought it would be funny. With this, the manager came over and threw Barry out and Barred him.
Mark was in fact correct, it was funny as when we went out to see if he was alright, we found him on the floor crying like a little baby.

This isnt the only time i saw him crying like a baby. Even at the age of 29 he still likes to shed a tear. As you will be aware, for his stag do we went paint-balling. Now during one of the games i saw a team member in trouble. He was huddled behind a wall with his hands over his face. I thought he had been shot in the face so i rushed over to see if he was alright. On closer inspection i noticed it was Barry to which i asked ”Baz are you alright?”

The reply being, now this is gods honest truth ”Nige, I'm scared”.

Now i have received a few telegrams that i shall read out.

1.From the hotel in Mexico where you will be spending your honeymoon Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.

2. To the groom,
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
Will you be renewing your subscription?
From Playboy Magazine.

3. to the Bride
Here's a message from all the lads at 5 a” side. we've tried him in every position and he was useless.
We hope you have more luck

At this point , as is tradition in a Best Man's speech I was also going to read out a few messages from some of Barry's ex-girlfriends. Fortunately though for Barry, due to the Foot and Mouth outbreak none of them were contactable.

Now As best man I'm told that I have to offer a small piece of advice to Barry, he'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be easily compared to his 2nd great passion in life…………..football.

1 Ensure your fully committed every week
2 Make sure you score every Saturday
3 Make sure you change ends at half time
4 Don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself 5.No tackling from behind….especially on your wedding night.

Barry also spoke to me before the wedding asking me to pass on this advice to you Dawn to make their married life work. It is basically Some simple rules for dawn to follow

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up don't whinge about it, just put it down.
2. Shopping is not a sport.
3. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
4. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. I'm bound to miss sometimes.
5. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
6. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now..
7. Don't fake it. I'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
8. The male models with the great bodies you see on t.v. and in magazines?
their all gay. Accept it.
9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Well just time for the toasts. Ladies and Gentleman….Now obviously my toasts are going to focus on the most important people here today.… The people we all feel close to, and without them, today wouldn't be possible. At some stage in the evening I'm sure will be sharing your thoughts with them on this special day..… So I would like to propose a toast please…raise your glasses….to &quotThe bar staff&quot

On a more serious note
There is an old saying – “you don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”… So finally, I can truly say that you are wished nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple, and I hope that all your dreams come true and you have a long &amp happy life together. Ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses and join me in a toast – to the bride and groom – Mr. &amp Mrs. Barry and Dawn French.