Speech by Nigel

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Nigel
Speech Date: 26/10/2010 13:19:35

Denzil's Best Man Speech 30 September 2010

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I hope everyone is enjoying this very special day so far.

You will probably agree it's been an emotional day; even the cake is in tiers!

For those who don't know me my name is Nigel and I am Denzil's younger brother and best man.

I have to thank Alan and Denzil for there speeches as everyone needs a good couple of warm up acts.

Before I get on with the tradition of trying to embarrass Denzil I would like to start by thanking the bridesmaids.

They all look wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

I would also like to thank on behalf of Denzil and Liz those of you who have made a particularly long journeys to be here today.

(I think that's everybody in the room thanked then!!!)

I think you would all agree that everyone here looks fantastic, and we are all only rightly outshone by the bride Liz herself.

I'll be honest when Denzil asked me to be his best man being the shy retiring type I was very nervous about doing it.

I then remembered someone telling me that if I imagine everyone in the room naked then it will be a lot easier.

Jon you need some cream for that rash and Vicky, well, I will see you on the dance floor later!

I was also obviously very flattered, having known Denzil all my life and through all our childhood years.

Growing up together, driving our parents mad, the fights, the arguments and fierce competition in all we did.

I even remember hitting him with a cricket bat because he bowled me out! Needless to say I never lost again!

It is great though after 30 long years of my life he has finally agreed I am the best man!

Once I realized the duties of being a best man, I did start to think this was great.

I get to organise a stag do where anything goes!

He has always said that he would like a stag do abroad with a pool party with lots of scantily clad bronzed women in bikinis. 

But then reality set in, firstly, I realized, whose stag do it was,

(Mr ‘no I'm not doing that and I can't drink any absinthe)!

Secondly I would have to give a speech of my own, and that at some point during it I would have to say something nice about Denzil….… the problem is I'm not used to doing either of the last two things so please bear with me!

Well I did organise the stag do, and I hope I done you proud.

I hope you have fond memories of yourself dressed in a red latex runners outfit with neon sweatbands on and a pair of socks stuffed in the front used for your posing pouch!

I'm not sure that Benalmadena was ready for it but hey ho! See Karl if you want to see the pictures

Liz please don't be disappointed if there are socks down there tonight.

Denzil, just so you don't forget your stag do I have a little something from the boys who went on the stag do you as keep sake.

Right back to the speech!

I actually decided that it might be a good idea to ask other people what they thought of Denzil.

So I spoke to a couple of his work colleagues and they said they refer to him as godlike

I asked why but, apparently, he's rarely seen, and if he ever does any work, it's a bloody miracle!

They said he was a typical banker! I think it was banker they said anyway!

I also spoke to some friends and family and one person actually told me that they thought he was conceited, selfish, arrogant, in-sensitive and vain….so…Thanks for that Liz.

Still, I kept searching for those nice things and eventually a letter arrived telling me that Denzil was a gentleman, warm, kind, polite, generous and always eager to please . . . . . . . . . . .

That's from all the girls at The Coyotes Strip Club in Benalmadena who send their love . . . . . . . oh, and enclose your new gold membership card for the most lap dances ever in a night!………….

How am I doing so far Denzil? ……..I have to ask this as he did say that if I did a good job today then I can be the best man at his next wedding!

Only joking!

There never seems a good point to start the character assassination within a best mans speech, so like most things I thought I would start at the top and work my way down.

Like something Denzil can't brush over, I thought I would start with his hair!

You are probably all wondering why after so long together, suddenly a quick engagement and within the same year Denzil and Liz getting married. HMMMMM!

I will tell you the reason why. They wanted wedding photos with Denzil with hair in!

He is trying everything he can to keep his hair!

I noticed a few years ago when we used to go to football. He would be showering and he started taking L'Oreal for men Hair thickening shampoo into the showers. If you don't know what I mean then this is it!

As you can see L'Oreal are liars as it definitely doesn't work!

Being his brother as I said earlier, I have known Denzil all my life, and he has always loved sport especially football and Manchester United.

From an early age it was obvious he was a natural goalkeeper, he loved to dive, especially into the biscuit tin!

As a child at school, I think there was a one life changing moment for him – school sports day!

Denzil, who will agree, was quite a chubby school boy! He didn't get entered into any of the running events, nor the long jump or any good event In fact.

His discipline was the cricket ball throw! I think the teacher even said it would get him in training for the shot putt and discus when he got to senior school.

This teacher has now changed his life forever, as he now has a love for the gym and pumping iron.

Watch him closely for 5 minutes and when he walks past a mirror, he will flex his arm and look at the size of his bicep and pull some stupid face like this!

I refer to one of our recent conversation we had and we were talking about our recent iphone 4 purchases.

He said to me with all excitement, ‘have you got the 100 press up app?’

I went what? Why the hell would I want to do 100 press ups so why would I buy 100 press up app?

His answer to this was, I don't understand anybody who wouldn't want to do 100 press ups!!

Strange boy!

This theme seemed to follow suit on his stag do.

Most men want to go to strip clubs, drink copious amounts of alcohol and just have a laugh drinking with your mates – right?

Not Denzil.

We were sitting round on the Saturday afternoon watching football all suffering with hangovers and Denzil wanted the 12 blokes to have a press up competition!

I think he managed a miserable 27 so he has a long way to go with that app!

I think out of the 12 blokes I did the most press ups, but I will let you make your own mind up on that one!

He has however promised that before his first dance he will show us all how to do 100 press ups.

This is probably when the story gets a bit sad as Denzil's vanity has led him to taking illegal substances.

Before you all worry I don't mean drugs (although you should ask him about the time when he visited me in Tenerife and a substance called Moroccan black double 0 and a baseball bat).

Mum / Dad this had nothing to do with me!

I'm talking Alpecin –the shampoo that stimulates hair growth directly at the roots and prevents hair loss!

Shame it doesn't work at the front hey Denzil!

This shampoo is apparently caffeine enriched and not for the use of professional sportsmen, as it is performance enhancing!

I think you have no worries there and anybody who has watched Catsfield seconds play on a Saturday would agree.

This brings me on nicely to another one of Denzil's loves – Money! He absolutely hates spending it, hence we are all here on a Thursday!

He said to me, if I'm buying everyone a meal for the day it can come at some cost to the guests!

I remember a time when we were out and a kind young girl picked up a wallet on the floor and innocently and politely asked if any of us had dropped our wallets!

Denzil's response to this was ‘If you found my wallet darling you would be able to retire on it’!

Here Liz is that wallet so now your married to him you can retire.

I think this is a good point to add that he also mentioned that if you do run out of wine at the table, put your orders on the bridal suite and he will pick up the bill in the morning!

One of my last duties before I toast the happy couple is to read a few cards from people who couldn't make the day!

To Denzil and Liz, hope you have a wonderful day, sorry we can't be there lots of love Andy and Rachel.

To Denzil and Liz, hope you are having a fabulous day and all your dreams come true.

We look forward to seeing you for your month long treatment in our clinic after your honeymoon.

From Shane Warne and the team from the Advanced Hair Studio in London!

Right that's enough from me, I will be close to the bar most of the evening so feel free to come and buy me a drink where I have even more stories!

I personally would like to say best of luck to the two of you; I really am absolutely delighted for both of you.

I hope you have a long and happy future together and I am pleased to be welcoming a sister in law to the family.

And thank you Denzil, it really has been a great honour to be your best man, to me you are my best mate, and I will always look up to you as a brother.

It now gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to the new Mr & Mrs Champion. To Denzil and Liz

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.