Speech by Ollie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Ollie
Speech Date: 04/08/2010 16:04:09

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Ollie and Gavin has chosen me to be his best man today, although I can sense that he might be regretting this decision already.

I think you will all have to agree it's been a great service and a wonderful reception so far.

Doesn't Tanveer look absolutely amazing today? (Pause) A number one hit if ever there was one. And Gavin looking a bit like a chart – topper himself – although I'm not sure from which year. I really think she's made a wonderful choice of first husband.

For me, the most important part of this little speech is to try and address the question that most people have been too polite to ask up until this point.

How on earth has he pulled this off??

And why, has a girl, which an obvious knowledge and excellence in Accountancy, overlooked the most basic due diligence? This must be her personal Enron.

When researching Gav's early years, I enlisted the help of his friends and family. I decided to write an email asking for any funny anecdotes of his youth. To encourage a response I also offered a bottle of champagne for any good material used.

Out of 20 people I received 2 replies, one was just totally inappropriate and the other read:-

“I am currently out of the office until Wednesday, If your mail is urgent please contact me on the below number”

Derek was born on February 24^th 1978 – Abba were number one on this day with “take a chance on me”, which is what Tan did, and why we are all here today.

As Gav is a shy sort, little is known about his early years, apart from his interest in fashion. Having interviewed several members of his family, the most telling response was the following:

“Having racked my brains, I can only come up with stuff that would upset Gav….”

Same here.

“Except……he spent an in-ordinate amount of our childhood dressing up”

You don't say.

“There's a lovely photo of him naked but for his pyjama top, a pink dressing gown buttoned up under his chin and Dracula make-up, with his arms raised a la “I vant to bite your neck”. Sorry not to be of any use!”

It is no surprise that he excelled in his chosen subject in College, Performing Arts.

It also partly explains why he threw up out of his nose all over Top Shop in Oxford street in 2006.

As I delved further into his past, there were already signs of the man he was to become:

“Most stories I have involve him beating me and my friends up, and shouting at me because i wasn't allowed to like the same music as him”

Nothing has changed.

By all accounts, he has always been popular with the opposite sex.

“He left quite a name for himself with a particular French teacher called Madamme Landsmann, who went red everytime Gav's name was mentioned in class”

Not sure if this was from embarrassment or anger.

So, I think I should explain how gav and I met, and how we came to be here today:

I met Gav in 2005, I had just moved to London from Leeds on the Friday and started my new job on the Monday. I was so excited when i looked over the top of my desk to see a well presented young (ish) man, who i was told was into in a band and was really into music, I could see straight away that we would be friends forever…..

Except….

He didn't speak to me for 3 months.

His reason? “You were too northern and friendly”.

I tried to befriend him a number of times over this period. I remember going to watch him play in his band the Derelicts. I stood at the front and clapped and cheered, even when he took his top off during his drum solo, but to no avail.

Eventually, we started hanging out together.

I have to say, Gav is one of the best friend's a person could have. He is loyal, decent, funny and will do pretty much anything you tell him to do.

I remember forcing him to follow me to the top of a very steep mountain during a ski trip. This resulted in Gav combining constant falling and the words “I  f***king hate you, this is all your fault”  to good effect. The final straw for him was being overtaken by a blind skier, which resulted in him being so depressed that he went to a nightclub and had a little sleep in a corner.

Another source of amusement was his inability to share flats with normal people. After I first got to know Gav, he told me that he wanted to leave the house he was in, in Kensington (I may add). I asked why and he told me that a naked South African man was standing outside his door at 7.00am the previous morning. This was never fully explained to me.

He moved into a flat near to me with a woman from New Zealand. All was going well, until he came back on a Tuesday evening. There was a circle of people sitting in the dark, on the floor, holding hands and trying to exorcise demons.

Needless to say, Gav made his excuses and left.

Now you have an idea of the man, I feel it's important for you to know how Tanveer and Gav met.

Tanveer is best friends with Clare, my lovely girlfriend here, and being the excellent matchmakers that we are, decided that they should go out together. I don't think either of them had much say in it.

I think I can safely say it is obvious how much in love they are with each other, and I tried to think of an example to illustrate this & of the hundreds of examples one specifically stuck in my mind.

Picture the scene, it was a beautiful morning on a houseboat in Kerala, India, the sun was shining, Gav and I were in the boy's room on the boat, and Clare and Tanveer were in the girls. Even though Tan and Gav were only feet apart from each other, the separation was too much for Tan to take…..

Tan screamed:

“Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaav – come and spray my room with insect repellent”

As you know, it is customary for the best man to give some words of wisdom to the newly weds on marriage.

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's the boss…… then do everything she says!

2. The best way to remember your anniversary, is to forget it once.

Joking aside, I'm absolutely honoured to play a part in the marriage of two of my closest friends in the world. We have had some of the best times I could hope for, and am sure that there will be plenty more in the future. Thank you Gav, for inviting me to be your best man.

It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Kendal.

To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple.

To the bride and Groom..