Speech by Owen Rothwell
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Owen Rothwell
Speech Date: Aug2007
Before starting the one speech that I know you've all been waiting for, I'd like to thank <groom> and <groom's father> – my support acts. I also need to thank our sponsor for the day, virginwines.com. They were very anxious to keep the happy couple happy today!
In all honestly I'm actually a little bit nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I've actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience. – I popped over the nursing home in West End last week – and I think it went well – they all wet themselves anyway.
You will probably not be aware that <groom> and <bride> had great trouble over the seating plan. In the end they decided the seating should be according to the cost of your present, so the more expensive your present, the closer the person would be seated to the front. Hope you heard at the back when <groom> thanked you for the tea towel!
One of my best mans duties today involves keeping <groom>'s exes away from the wedding. Thankfully due to the recent foot and mouth outbreak none of them are permitted to travel anyway.
Its funny being best man you know, after trying to think about what to say, it occurred to me that writing the speech is a bit like marrying into a harem … you know what you're supposed to do, but where do you begin?
I did a bit of research on the net and there were LOADS of pre-written speeches but none with a <groom> and <bride> so I had to actually do it myself.
I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: –
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Altar – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think <bride> must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whispering to herself, Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn, I'll alter him etc…
I did also discover another great and successful couple were in the news on August 11th, 25 years ago, the Kray twins were let out for their old mums funeral.
So… <groom> and <bride>, where do I start? There are so many things to talk about.
Let me set the scene, its 1976 and the it's the driest summer since 1727. The VW Golf has just been launched , the phrase junk food was born, Concorde had its first commercial flight, Apple Computers was founded by Steve Jobs and Liverpool won the league for a record 9th time. And, <groom> Peter James <surname> was born.
Enough history, that was was 31 years ago and we have ALWAYS been good friends, apart from little childhood rows we have never ever fallen out so I am delighted and proud to be his best man today.
That's not to say our childhood was without incident however! <groom> has a number of scars about his person and ALL of them, I am afraid to say were caused by me.
The hole in his knee is the result of me persuading him at the tender age of five that it would be easy to ride off the six inch porch step on his little bike with stabilisers. He did and it was. Unfortunately he fell heavily into a large rosebush and a great big thorn went deep into his knee. That involved the first of what was to become many visits to St Peters Hospital. A highly disturbing visit followed with Dad and I sat in the corridor outside the room whilst they literally dug the thing out of his knee without, it seemed by the screams, any anaesthetic.
The not yet visible one on his scalp was the result of playing rugby in the back garden with Dad and then running head down, headfirst into my bicycle which I was perhaps unwisely riding around the garden at the same time. And another visit to St Peters and a stitch this time.
There is a little scar on his hand – the result of us trying to stab each other with a penknife I had managed to convince my parents that I needed because I was a cubscout.
Another scar on his foot is the result of me dropping a pot of mustard through our glass coffee table and smashing the whole thing, a huge triangle of the glass stuck between his toes. Thought it needed a stitch but we couldn't face the thought of another trip to St Peters, we were afraid they would take him into care!
So <bride>, when you spend your wedding night together tonight and you see him undressed for the first time, erm, sorry about the damage.
I don't think there are any scars from this incident but I know I would be pulled up by numerous people here if I DIDN'T mention that highly memorable night at one of Pauls now legendary parties in Lightwater when <groom>, somewhat the worse for wear, managed to fall headfirst in to Pauls pond. The image I will live with is him walking up to me shaking like a leaf, dripping wet, with green stuff in his hair repeatedly saying, I CAN'T BELIEVE I FELL IN THE EFFING POND. It is to my great regret that I didn't actually see him fall in although his rescuers description of him flailing around in complete disarray whilst the safety netting held him UNDER will stay with me forever.
Perhaps I haven't always looked after him as well as I should. Hopefully my role today is going some small way to making up for that.
The big change in our relationship was his moving out to his new pad in Merrow. It suddenly dawned on us that we were going to have to make the effort to see each other now that we no longer lived together. Although odd at first we soon got into a habit of going out for a few beers with friends and never go more than a week or so without hooking up. So it's nice that we see a lot of each other. I have seen a great deal more of <groom> in the last month however, as those who were in Prague with us three weeks ago will testify. Shudder.
Speaking of his stag do, we did have a laugh. I'd love to go into detail but I cant – due to the law of the stag and the fact that Jason's solicitor has told me not to talk about it in public until the case goes to court. Nevertheless we did have a great weekend, which reminds me, Les, you still owe me 40 quid for those last two dances you had.
What about <bride>? Lets go back to the romantic beginning there too…
The first time I clapped eyes on <bride> she had her tongue down <groom>s throat very near here actually! How romantic that they should choose Foxhills for the big event! I had gone at throwing out time to pick him up from his office Christmas party so many relationships start there don't they? Its was a 1920’s theme as I recall – <groom> had gone as Bugsy Malone and she looked like a bit of a flapper. I had been stood by the door for some half an hour with a group of other people picking up their nearest and dearest. By good fortune <groom> was blissfully unaware that I was there so unusually I was able to study him in a work environment and he does seem to have a way with ladies! So many girls seemed to be clamouring to kiss him goodnight but one in particular sticks in mind.
I remember <groom>'s shock in the car on the way home when I told him I had been there for ages. Christ, were you? he said. I asked after the mystery lady and he was somewhat embarrassed as I recall! She's some manager at work!
The next time I saw <bride> was again a passionate embrace, outside the Early Learning Centre in Guildford, again, at throwing out time. I think it was just near Leapale Road multi storey wasn't it?
Let us not forget the engagement, agreed I understand after throwing out time on a train back from Weybridge. Are you seeing a pattern here?
It was 18 months ago and I was actually on a beach, somewhere north of Sydney, enjoying a post wedding BBQ breakfast with another happy couple when I got the call from the two of them by this time at Sas's house to break the news! I seemed to be the only person not there so I was delighted they rang me on the other side of the world to tell me.
I am pleased to say that we get on extremely well and I am absolutely delighted that I am going to have a sister. I don't know quite what you are supposed to do with a sister, I guess you go shopping or, get your nails done or something. Whatever, as those of you who know me well will bear out, I am always happy to get in touch with my feminine side so I'm looking forward to some quality time with my Sis once they get back from their honeymoon! I'm not supposed to know where they are going but <groom> did let slip to me the other day that he was looking forward to getting married because he was going to Bangor for a week afterwards. I haven't been to North Wales but I am told sure they will have a lovely time together.
Funnily enough, I was talking to <bride>'s mum earlier and she was saying as a young girl she was “never as happy as when she had her dummy with her”. Something's never change, look how happy she is today.
Now, coming towards the end of my speech, it is customary for me to offer the happy bride some words of wisdom. So…
To <bride>…
Remember that men are like a fine wine…
They start out like grapes…
And it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.
<groom>, Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.
I think <groom> knew the score, He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
To you both, Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single
And I think its important to remember marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the rubbish
I also always read that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
I know that laughter is a vital part of <groom> and <bride>'s relationship and it has served me well in recent years too. Sarah, don't laugh.
I also think it's important to remember, love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.
I'm sure everybody agrees you make a great couple, and it's just been fantastic to be a part of this celebration of your clear love towards each other.
Well I can honestly say in <bride> he has managed to get one of the best girls possible. I'm sure all the gentlemen here are disappointed she is off the market. I am equally sure all the women feel today has passed without so much as a ripple.
<groom>, you will leave here today having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring, funny, and beautiful.
And <bride>, you'll leave here today having gained a gorgeous dress and some nice presents.
<groom>, we've had some fantastic times together over the years, and I know we will continue to do so in the future.
You have been a fantastic friend to me…much better than the other lads…and it really is a great honour to be your Best Man today. I can honestly say that if you weren't my brother you would be my best friend.
Now, I do have a few telegrams to read out.…
Dear <groom>,
Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore.
Dear <bride>
It was nice while it lasted, but I guess we'll have to call it a day now you're married. Teddy Sheringham
<groom>, congratulations on getting married, and also on winning our big spender of the month award! Lots of love from the girls at the Paradise Club in Prague.
To <groom> and <bride>, have a lovely day today and enjoy your honeymoon, we'll catch up with you when you get back. The Fasttrack team at Sainsburys
To, <groom>, one of our best customers, good luck and congratulations although disappointed that <bride> turned down our quote for the catering, that's from Dave at Fat Boys Cafe in Woking
All the way from Sydney: We would love to be there to share in their special day – but we weren't invited….! We wish you lots of Love, Laughter and happy ever after. Sally and Lee
Well, I shouldn't keep you any longer as I know <groom>'s dying to buy you all a drink at the bar but there is one more thing I must do.
Ladies and gentlemen, if I could ask all those who still have the capacity to do so if you stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs <surname>.
