Speech by Owen Wainwright

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Owen Wainwright
Speech Date: apr 2003
From Owen Wainwright April 2003
Good afternoon and may I start be saying what a pleasure it is on such a great occasion to celebrate the marriage of Huw and Sarah, it's been a fantastic day, and I'm sure will continue on well into the night.
You may or may not be interested to know that this is the fifth time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with paper in my hand. However I thought I was nervous, but I went into the toilet after Huw earlier today and found this…… (produce a brick).
For those of you who don't know me, my name is Owen, Huw's older twin brother. Despite growing up fighting for most of our childhood years it is finally now, Huw to realise that I really am the Best Man.
May I start with some of my duties as Best Man (I'll get onto abusing Huw in a minute) by toasting the bridesmaids Who've done a wonderful job of preparing Sarah today. They are I'm sure you'll agree the second most attractive women in the room after Sarah who looks stunning, Huw you just looked stunned.
The Bridesmaids……
I thought it would be tough to follow Huw's speech and I was right, he's been in New Zealand too long, I couldn't follow a word of it.
Huw asked me to be his best man via E-mail last year. The Subject of the e-mail read “no pressure”. What a bloody liar you've turned into.
Part of my duties as Best Man is to ensure that Huw looks his best for the day. Nothing that a couple of new sets of batteries for the nasal hair trimmer didn't sort out.
Due to the history that Huw and I have I could go on and on, much in the style of Huw's after match captains speeches. If anyone is running a book on this speech put me down for 45 minutes.
Stories without involving rugby or alcohol are fairly limited. So I'll start with Huw's rugby career started at London Welsh mini rugby.
Huw was captain in a junior curtain raiser to the adult game later that afternoon. He was to drop kick the start of the game. The stand was filling up nicely for the big game, approximately 7000 rugby fans (never let the truth get in the way of a good story) were witnessing Huw preparing to drop kick the ball after the referee had blown his whistle. All fairly good in the approach, good balance, nice raise of the left arm like the pros do. He dropped the ball well, however his foot took a fraction too long to come through. The ball bounced-went right and milliseconds later his foot came through left and struck air. Marvellous. The whole 7000 strong crowd laughing and chuckling as he brightened their afternoon.
Huw's other Champagne moment came during a half time team talk at a mini rugby tournament. The captain decided to motivate Huw by getting him fired up, as it took a little something to unlock the rugby genius within Huw. He told Huw that he wasn't very good, in fact rubbish and that he shouldn't be playing. This did fire up Huw quite nicely, and he punched the Captain in the stomach, laying him out and ran off to be found hours later in the car park, still sulking. The referee did actually have to send Huw off, so technically perhaps the youngest player ever to be sent off.
I asked a few people back home about any tales of Huw as a youngun. I had a surprising result. One from our baby sitter years ago called Vera. Now apparently we were being particularly noisy and boisterous, (hard to believe I know) when she and our mum came up with a game to calm us down. It was called sleeping lions. All of us had to lay still and quiet, first person to move or make a noise is disqualified. A tough game for 5 year olds. After a short while Huw was judged to have move by the games master Vera. Huw promptly got up complained bitterly and punched her in the stomach…
A violent misunderstood child.…
Another tale to emphasis the competitive nature in Huw goes back to a Christmas when we were 11 ish. I had a new bike that year. Huw had one the year before. So we went out for a ride in London back streets. We decided to have a race on a long quiet straight road near to home. Now due to having a newer finely tuned bike I was doing well and had crept ahead. By now we were doing perhaps 40 Kms an hour (exaggerating for effect here). Not happy with the situation, Huw decided to even things up by grabbing hold of my saddle to slow me down, which he did quite nicely. We were now neck and neck laughing and giggling. It was funny, that was until my spokes touched his pedals. That somehow took the humour away slightly, as I was propelled over my handlebars and into orbit landing on the tarmac using my face as a brake.
To be fair though, I did on one occasion burst Huw's eardrum with a cotton bud and chip his front tooth on the edge of the bath. Sharing and caring as we are we give and receive.
Now to mention other girls during a best man's speech is considered bad form and inappropriate. However, there is someone influential who deserves a special mention. Her name is Stella.
(long pause)
Stella Artois caused Huw his first introductions to adult drinking as a student at our local cricket club and led to Huw vomiting on more than one occasion, finding him once front first in the puddle 5 feet from the exit door of the club house, and once a few weeks later five feet from the back door at home sitting in his own puddle of vomit clawing at the key in the door. Soon after Huw dumped Stella for her close friend Stella Shandy.
As a career Huw first started his hard graft in Waitrose supermarket, which is like the Big Fresh but a lot smaller. He rose to the dizzy heights of tinned shelf stacker. He wasn't allowed to work at the deli counter due to him biting his nails a lot and also a small incident with some chopped liver.
After Chiswick School's finest education Huw then went onto Plymouth Polytechnic/University. There he studied Environmental Science and Rugby. Some would say more rugby than Environmental Science.
After his teacher training and taste of West London's finest school children, he decided to have a break and headed as far away as humanly possible to New Zealand……and Kaihu.
As you're all aware Huw has settled in well in New Zealand, and has become a popular member of the community and the Adams family. Although it hasn't all been easy. No sir. Whilst I was here last year I found Huw's secret diary of his innermost thoughts and feelings when starting out in NZ. It goes something like this.
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The Diary
Dear Diary; First Day at school; Young lad came into school without shoes today. Sent him home sharpish, teach him a lesson. Met a fellow teacher colleague today called Tom. He plays guitar and has a voice like an angel, he's really cool. If he were a girl I'd kiss him.
Dear Diary; Third day at school; Struggling with the accent thing, got called a ‘duck hid’ by a parent after school, no idea what a ‘duck hid’ is, but I think it's good. Thinking about buying a guitar just like Tom's.
Dear Diary; 1st day Rugby training; I took some really hard hits during the warm up game of touch rugby. You know these boys are tough when they tackle in Touch rugby. I think they like me, although they speak rather too quickly.
Dear Diary; 1st game for Kaihu; I got punched twice, spat at, and my balls squeezed in front of the ref, who saw nothing. Scored a winning try in the dying minutes of injury time. I wanted to talk to more people about it and how I dummied three people, handed off the front row and still managed to touch down under the posts, but it was 1 in the morning and I was alone in the bar. I still I have no idea what a duck hid is. Some cute girls in the crowd though.
Dear Diary; 1st drinks in club house. Meet a girl called Sarah. She's hot. I asked her for dance. She said there's no music playing and you need to brush your teeth you. This could be love.
Dear Diary; Bought my first guitar. It's a big adult sized one. I know this as I can't get my hands round it's neck. I wonder if Eric Clapton has stumpy fingers too. Tom teaches me London's Burning and Baa Baa Black Sheep. It's tougher than it looks. I might take up water skiing instead.
Dear Diary; went water skiing for the first time. Had trouble finding a helmet big enough for my for my head. I fell badly and filled my ski suit like it was a nappy. I would go back to the guitar, but I can't pick it up, my arms are too sore.
The last entry reads Dear Diary; Sometimes Sarah asks me to play the guitar just for her. I wonder if she'll marry me.
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I saw some Graffitti on the way over in Dargeville yesterday. It said. New Zealand sucks. Underneath that someone had written Australia nil.
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I have some quick mentions from people around the world for the happy couple.
Huw
Thanks for all the fun filled nights around the pool at my house. From Michael Barrymoore.
Sarah
Congratulations to you on your big day. He is a very lucky man, I'll carry on somehow. From Brad Pitt.
Huw was rubbish in every position we tried him in, Sara, hope you have more luck. Chiswick rugby club (produce signed rugby shirt from rugby mates).
One thing people have told me about marriage is that you don't marry someone you can live with; you marry someone you can't live without. And this, everyone is so obviously true for Huw and Sarah, a couple so well suited.
So may I end by asking you all to upstanding
Here's to love, laughter and happily ever after.
As Huw and Sara start their new life,
Let's toast the new husband and wife, my brother and sister.
And very finally
Let me finish with some wise words from Dylan Thomas…I do believe the bar is open, let's get pissed.