Speech by Padraic Sheridan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Padraic Sheridan
Speech Date: oct 2003
Hello ladies and gentlemen and Father Damien
Good afternoon everybody, and may I welcome you all here to the Portmarnock Golf Links on behalf of Ken and Tracey. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Padraic and I am Ken's Best man today. My full name is actually Padraic ‘would you like another pint’ so
if I meet anyone at the bar later I'd rather you called me by my full name.
Intro John
Before we enjoy what I am sure will be a lovely
meal, there are some very nervous people up here who would like to say a few
things. Firstly, may I introduce Tracey's father, John.
Thank you John, you can now relax and enjoy the rest of the day.
Today seems to have leapt up at us out of nowhere. It seems like only
yesterday that someone not a million miles away got me drunk and said he was
getting married. Then a month later he got me drunk again, and asked me to
this best man bit for him.
Intro Ken

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure, to introduce the man of the moment the groom, Ken.
Well-done mate. OK, that concludes the entire professional, researched and
rehearsed speeches for the afternoon. It's now my turn.
I'm only speaking for a few moments because of my throat, if I go on for too
long Tracey said she'd cut it!!! Isn't is amazing how history repeats itself,
only a few years ago Tracey's mum was sending her off to bed with a dummy, and
look, she's still going to bed with one!!!
Before I get on to Ken's character assassination there is a few things
that need to be said, firstly I'm sure you'll all agree there is much beauty and elegance around us today, particularly in Tracey, her matron of honour my wife (Martina) and her Bridesmaids (Carrie and Caroline), who have really lit up the proceedings. and to the pageboy and flower girl who were little darlings our two children who think MacDonald's is more exciting than being here listening to me. Secondly can I say on behalf of every bloke here how gorgeous Tracey looks today and a big thank you to Ken for asking me to be his best man on what has been an emotional day, even the cakes in tiers!!!!!
I first me Ken in this very room almost 7 years ago to the day, when I to sat in the same hot seat as he is. Tracey was our chief bridesmaid that day and I still remember her introducing me to him. Poor old Ken was as nervous as hell. I thought it was due to the fact he was been finally introduced to the FAMILY but I later found out it had more to do with the fact Man Utd were playing and he wanted to get the score of the game.
How things have changed little over time!
The lovely couple met, what is it now, almost 7.5 years ago. It was love from afar across the crowded Yaught. ? I remember talking to Tracey She told me that the first time she laid eyes on Ken she thought he was handsome from afar, but earlier today she told me that now she thought he was far from handsome.
For those of you who weren't aware, Ken proposed in March 2000. Imagine the setting, he's flown Tracey to Paris, they're staying in a 5 star hotel, they get ‘dolled up’, go for a candlelit dinner, they have some expensive wine, they stroll hand in hand to a romantic park in the center of Paris beside the Eiffel Tower
It's a beautiful night, the stars are out, Ken's heart is pumping faster than ever before. He finds the ideal spot to say those magical words that will see them live a lifetime together. He takes Tracey's hand, he stares her in the eye, he puts on his most sultry voice and asks Tracey to sit on this large bollard, where Tracey says those immortal words "… For Christ sake Ken I can't sit there, I'll get piles…."
You've got to love her.

What can I say about Ken; well he is a good friend a great godfather. He is a kind understanding patient person who has time for everyone. His former work colleagues in Modus Media say he was the hardest working and most efficient tea boy they have ever had during his apprenticeship. His current employers in the run up to the wedding think he is God, you never see him, and if he ever does any work it's a bloody miracle!
It was my duty to make sure that on Ken's last night of freedom he
was put safely to bed, and not on an overnighter to God knows where as some of the party wanted to send him. Yes Richard, Declan and Mark I'm talking about you!!!
Well, I can assure you all that he was in bed bright and early, and slept
like a baby.
He wet the bed twice times, and woke up three times crying for his daddy who was down the corridor.
On a personal note I must say thanks to the boys (you know who you are.) for helping me get Ken off Mulingar with all his own hair. We won't even talk about the tattoo on your leg because that just isn't funny, eh Ken??? Ken somehow managed to keep his dignity, and bravely fought off a pack of 10 snarling dogs in the hotel to emerge fully dressed. Mind you it was Tracey's dress that he had on at the time, but that's neither here nor there. On that point Ken I feel your cross-dressing issue should be addressed asap.
For a man that has been married 7 years tomorrow, boy am I suddenly feeling itchy, sorry Martina only joking, I can tell you a few things about getting hitched. Marriage is a thing, which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes…
Marriage is not a word; it's a sentence (a life sentence!). Only joking, but here is a present for you from all of the married men present
Produce the ball and chain
Tracey, now that you are married I'm sure there are certain things expected of you. For instance having Ken's slippers warmed and ready for him when he comes through the door after a hard day, being his second mother in times of need, having his dinner on the table. This last point especially is important and since your culinary skills are legendary I have a small present for you.
Produce Lauren's cookbook
So ladies and gentlemen I give you this lasting image, Ken barefoot and chained to the kitchen sink as Tracey experiments with her new cookbook.

Now for some telegrams:
"Dear Ken Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I just hope you've
made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore"
To Ken,
We could have been so good together, Goodbye
Love Ann Robinson
To Tracey
We were so good together, shame you settled for him!
Love George Clooney
To Ken,
Please come back and retrieve your pants from our roof…
The manager of The George Pub Georges Street…!
And finally, from the manager of The Bloomfield Mullingar,
“We hope you both have a great day and that you only get married once, we couldn't take another stag”
To the groom,
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
P.S. Will you be renewing your subscription or is the channel sufficient?
Playboy Magazine.

Final words:
Finally on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have traveled long distances and though it's been said before, it now gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Ken and Tracey, Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.
Everyone: Ken and Tracey.