Speech by Patrick Burns

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Patrick Burns
Speech Date: Sep2006
Good Afternoon ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. I hope you're all enjoying yourselves, First may I start by thanking Luch for his kind words.

I would like to on behalf of the bridesmaids thank Luch and Lorrain for there kind comments and gifts and I think you will agree that ______________________ look absolutely fabulous and have done a fantastic job today, so a round of applause please for the bridesmaids.

Now before I start to tell you about Luch shadier past there is something I need to get of my chest and that's that one of my jobs as the best man is to make sure that we have our suits,, but for some reason this is a job that Luch insisted on doing himself, this caused me to have a few concerns, so you can imagine my relief when he handed me my suit this morning, as originally Luch wanted us to wear this…………….…

Hold up photo of groom in cavemen outfit

Now to the bride what can I say……….… I'm sure you will all agree Lorrain you look stunning, Luch truly is a lucky man marrying you, you are a wonderful person and deserves a good husband … Unfortunately you didn't find that person so you have married this..…

Hold up photo of groom in cavemen outfit

ladies and gentlemen please a round of applause for Lorraine.

Now to Luch, where do I start!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! luch and I have been friends since primary school so you would think it would be easy for me to come up with a few stories! Well I do have plenty of stories but it was not until I started to write them down that I thought I can't mention that his mom will kill him, I can't mention that Lorraine's nans will be here , and there's another story that can never be spoken about again

So Luch you can sit back and relax as I won't mention anything to do with NCP Car Parks, Nightclub bouncers, the Police and Deportation threats from when we were in Tenerife!!! don ”t worry mate your secrets are safe with me. Kind off.

As I said luch and I have been friends since primary school, from primary school we then went to the same secondary school where Luch was a average student!

Although I do think he enjoyed school more than most people as he spent 3 years in 6th form doing his A levels as apposed to the normal
2……………..thankfully for him one of his A levels wasn't RE as during one lesson in 2nd year luch, who by the way was an alter boy for several years and member of the school choir, asked the RE teacher if it was true that the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins!

It was also in secondary school that luch decided that Quadraphenia was the greatest film ever and that The Jam were the best band in the world, so with that in mind he decided that he was going to become a Mod…..he brought
himself a big green parker jacket and a moped, Now credit where credits due this bike wasn't fit for the road, so luch did the moped up, made it road worthy, got himself a provisional bike licence, and travelled everywhere in his green parker jacket.

Now for those that don't know, a provisional bike licence means you can go on the roads with your L plates and you have no more then 2 years to have lessons and pass your test…..however luch forgot he only had 2 years and was promptly banned from the public highway by the DVLA.

So if anybody wants to buy a moped with very very low mileage I know of one in a garage in Wolverhampton.

I think being banned has scared him as he has never tried for a car licence, luch it's a while now since you were banned so I think it's about time you learnt to drive I know Lorraine dad think you should be driving by now, so you may find these useful both tonight and in the future.

HOLD UP THE DRIVING L PLATES.

It was also during school that luch decided become a vegetarian, so from the age of 13 to 18, Luch mom spent hours preparing different meals for him to the rest the family.

Well Marion I would like to let you know now the only reason that Luch became a vegetarian wasn't anything to do with the animals or the taste, Luch only became a vegetarian because a couple of girls that he fancied were vegiatarains so he thought they might go out with him if he was one!!

This all changed at 18 we he found out that drunkenness and kebabs go together, since then luch has never looked back, so much so that when we shared a flat in London Luch was close friends with all the staff in the local Kebab and pizza shop.

It was while sharing a flat in London, When luch was tuckking into his 18inch meat feast pizza that he thought he should start going to the gym.

now as he had never been to a gym before I told him to come with me and I'd show him around, while we were there luch for some reason only known to himself became supper competitive!

We started on the bikes, I told him to treat this as gentle 10min warm up! But oh no, off he went flat out constantly looking over at my bike to see how far I had gone, and at every opportunity telling me he was ahead! So when we got off the bikes Luch all pleased with himself for winning the warm up!!!!! Then wanted to go on the treadmill!!! Pause and look at Luch

Now once again as luch had not been in a gym before I tried to explain how the treadmill worked, but with his new competitive streak he just wasn't interested and wanted to start running straight away!! So off we went, I started at a gentle jog, so luch of course had to start at a slightly faster jog, I upped my speed slightly, luch looked over and upped his speed slightly faster then mine, now about 60seconds in I upped my speed again, luch who is now by the way starting to struggle, put his finger on the plus button to speed his up.
But when pressing the speed button and looking at my machine he forgot to take his finger off………his treadmill starts to get faster and faster and faster and faster,

now any normal person would have pressed the minus button but oh no in his blind panic he just took his finger off the button stood upright and with shear panic on his face started to sprint as if being chased by a dog,

the machine at this point was making one hell of a loud noise so of course everyone in the gym starts to look over at luch, so with all eyes in the gym on him, luch could no longer keep up with the machine and started to go further and further down the track at about 30 kilometres an hour he was propelled of the back of the machine hopefully people will then laugh

now with luch on the floor you would think that the end oh no there's more, the machine was still going around and with everyone looking over , luch didn't want to embarrass himself anymore so tried to act all cool and push himself from the floor,

however he put his hand on the machine to push himself up but the machine was still going so his hand shoots back and with nothing to hold him up he head butted the machine…give a demonstration, hopefully people laugh again he did this twice more.

Now I have to say I'm pleased to be here at luch and Lorain wedding as there was a time when I did wonder if luch would ever get married!

It was shortly after the incident in the gym that luch decided to leave all his friends in London and for reason known only to him relocate to Brighton

It was while he was down in Brighton that I think the local community had too much of an influence on him, one day after a our friend suggy who luch hadn't seen for a while called to say he would be in Brighton for the day, Luch promptly called work saying he wasn't feeling to well that he would work from home!

The 2 of them on a hot summers day hit the local pub gardens, That evening when luch got in and looked at himself in the mirror he thought Oh Shit I've caught the sun….now faced with the prospect of going to work with a sun kissed face luch had a plan……

that plan was to get some of Lorraine foundation makeup and put it on his face to hide the redness. I think you would agree that that is a fairly poor plan..… yes yes……………………

Lorain thought it was a great idea!!!! She even put the make-up on him. The next day luch travelled in on the train with all the other pretty boys in makeup when he got to work he kept his head down then at about 11 took an early lunch, went into the toilet and washed all the make-up off………and quite unbelievable came back from an hours lunch all sun kissed and made out to his work colluges that he caught the sun in his one lunch break.

Thankfully they don't live in Brighton anymore.

Although it's a bit worrying that Lorraine thinks it's quite ok to put make-up on her husband to go to work I must say luch is very lucky to have someone like Lorraine , Not because she is a wonderful person ! The reason he's so lucky is because she is big football fan…….I don't know anyone else that can buy there girlfriend sky sports as a valentine present and she think it was a great present!..…

Luch however is not the biggest football fan, he's only been to 5 matches in his life 4 of them with me, during the those 4 matches wolves have not only lost but we failed to score any goals, so a bit like the DVLA I've imposed a ban on luch going to any football matches with me. So it with great pleaser _KEN__ that I tell you Luch is now your problem as he's on about buying a season ticket for you and him at Everton.

As I said at the start I've been friends with luch since primary school, he is a someone that I'm fortunate to have as a close friend, Luch is a person that I know I can always rely on as he wouldn't think twice about helping me, an example of this was when me and my wife move from Spain to London, with very little money between us, luch who was renting a 3 bedroom house let us stay with him rent free until we found work, It's act's of kindness like this that are very typical of luch, over the years new friends have come and gone and no matter where either of have been we have always made the effort to make sure that keep we in touch and meet up. So I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you for being such a great friend over the past few years and I look forward to many more ahead and I hope that both you Lorraine have a long and happy marriage!

And with that ladies and gentlemen I would like you all to be standing.

May your years ahead prosper with love, health &amp happiness. To Lorain and Luch.