Speech by Paul Austin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Austin
Speech Date: 18/06/2012 14:36:56

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I think that covers everyone. For those of you who don't know me I'm Paul and I'm the best man. I hope you are all enjoying what has been a brilliant wedding celebration; unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud, so here I am.

I will start off with some compliments. I would like to echo what has already been said and compliment our beautiful bride. I must say that Steph looks terrific today. Michael is one very lucky man. Surprisingly, Michael has scrubbed up quite well himself, even if he did copy my outfit…

Can I just give a special mention to our two bridesmaids Heather & Becky for helping to get Steph here today? I am reliably informed that when she woke up this morning and realized she was marrying Michael she put up a struggle so well done girls…You both look great only eclipsed by our bride of course.

Let us not forget our Usher for the day, John. I know Mike was worried John might not be up to such an important task, however after weeks of practicing and a bout of repetitive strain disorder, I am sure you all agree he more than excelled himself at pointing at chairs today… Let me also take this opportunity to personally say a big thanks to John. It was a stipulation for the wedding that the Usher wasn't allowed to look better than the Best Man and I'm pleased to say John has more than kept up his end of the bargain…

I would also like to thank both sets of parents, Mike and Gail & Mick and Elaine who have shown great support to the happy couple in the build up to this special day. You have played a pivotal role on this momentous occasion.

I know Mike and Steph appreciate you all being here to share in their special day. Some have traveled long distances to be here. So thanks for being part of such a wonderful occasion. It is amazing how far people will go for a free meal and a couple of glasses of wine…

So Michael and Steph you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Michael couldn't have done any better and Steph couldn't have done any worse…

When Michael asked me to be his best man, naturally I had many questions. What had I done to deserve such an honour? Who had dropped out? Was I really the best he could come up with? Could I turn the job down and still expect an invitation to stuff myself and get drunk at his expense?

In the end, having accepted the role, I'm pretty happy with the way things went today. From a best man's perspective, everything went smoothly. For starters, I got him to the venue on time, He also arrived sober, an achievement which shouldn't be underestimated with his track record… And most importantly in this time of economic uncertainty, I successfully resisted the urge to post the wedding rings to Cash for Gold and do a runner. Well done me…

Michael is equally impressed, he told me earlier I have done that good a job I have got the gig for his next wedding, which was nice of him…

Michael & I have been friends since school. It was not until 6^th form that our friendship blossomed. I had avoided him up to that point as I wanted to stay popular and two gingers hanging round with each other in an all boys school is a recipe for disaster…Michael and I have many things in common, our love for Rod Stewart, Tommy Cooper, his love of losing to me at chess, stealing shopping trolleys & stealing hurdles at 3 o'clock in the morning & chippy dinners. For two school years we both ate the same dinner every day of fried rice, chips and curry. Jamie Oliver would have had a field day with us…

The one main difference between us is that unfortunately Michael had to go and handicap himself by supporting Everton. With me being a red it has served up many arguments over the years.

I like to think that Michael has a lot in common with his beloved Everton.

Both look a bit run down and disheveled these days, urgently needing a makeover…

Both have a style that is better suited to the 1980s. That was the last time Michael changed his hairstyle by the way…

Both also have a tendency to punch above their weight. You only have to take one look at Steph today to see that.

Some of you may look at Michael sitting here today and think ‘hasn't that lad done well for himself?’ He has married the woman of his dreams, has a good career and has made his parents proud. One of the main duties in my Best Man speech is to tarnish this squeaky-clean image that Michael is portraying. I have done my homework and have a number of stories that will bring him down a peg or two.

Michael was born on 26th November 1984, sharing a birthday with none other than Tina Turner. Not many historical events occurred on this day that I could really link to Michael. Although The Liverpool Echo that day did run with the headline: ‘Ugly Baby Epidemic at Fazackerley Hospital’!

Michael may have excelled academically over the years but one thing that he does lack at times is common sense. On one occasion, his parents Mick and Elaine gave him strict instructions that he needed to remain in the house as they were going out and his sister Becky was due home and she did not have a key. Michael was not happy about this, as he was desperate to get out and buy the latest Westlife CD, so decided to leave Becky a massive note that he stuck to the front window before leaving announcing to the whole of Walton that no one was in and the key was under the plant pot.   

Things got worse when he discovered alcohol

When we were younger Michael used to boast that he could drink anyone under the table. This claim backfired at a friend's 18^th birthday party when he attempted to down his third pint of snakebite. As I am sure you are all aware it did not end well. Michael had to take himself home before the buffet had even opened, but not before he had managed to put the venues toilet out of action for evening. We all continued and had a great night on his behalf.

Unfortunately his drunken antics continued into adulthood.

Mike once got up in the middle of the night drunk whilst staying in a hotel to use the toilet. This simple task proved too much for Michael when he accidentally locked himself out the room and had to make his way down to reception in just his boxer shorts to explain the situation.  Things went from bad to worse the next morning when Michael managed to misplace his shoes, as he was running late for his plane he simply had no choice but to make his way to the airport bare footed. The captain later remarked that he had seen some sights but Michael was the first person to board one of his flights without shoes.

Thankfully Steph has managed to curb Michael's drunken behaviour and turn him into a semi-respectable member of society. He now spends his spare time taking pictures of the sunset and watching foreign films.

I thought I would give a couple of lines to tell you about the stag weekend in Amsterdam that happened sometime last decade. To be honest, there is not much I remember from the weekend for obvious reasons, but I can remember that Michael did achieve two of his lifelong ambitions on the trip. The first was to wear a Liverpool kit which he seemed to enjoy and the second was to be able to walk down a town centre dressed as a woman.

So Steph if you wonder why some of your clothes have been going missing now you know. Michael has developed a taste for cross dressing.

It is customary for me to offer the happy couple some words of wisdom. So here goes nothing.

 A lot of us don't do this enough; always remember to tell your wife those three important little words…“You're right dear”…It will make your life a hell of a lot easier…

Never go to sleep without sorting an argument out. I can honestly say that in the ten years Tracy and I have been together we have only ever had one argument; the only problem is its still going on…

Finally the most important bit of advice I could give you is. For a long and successful marriage you won't go wrong if you make sure all your ups and downs come between the bed sheets…

Joking aside Michael has been a great friend to me and we've had some excellent times together and I'm sure we'll have more in the future and it's been an honour to be the best man today.

I have known Michael for many years and feel I know him better than most people. I can honestly say I have never seen him happier than when he is with Steph. I am so pleased that he has found such a wonderful person who he can spend the rest of his life with. You will be happy to know that we are coming to the end of the speech. I can tell that everybody is having a great time here today and this is mainly down to the weeks and months of planning by Michael and Steph. They have done an incredible job to make it such a special day.

I will end with a rather poignant quote for all you romantics out there.

“Marriage is not about finding a person you can live with, it's about finding the person you can't live without.”  Michael has definitely found that person.

So it now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast, to love, laughter and happy ever after, to Mr & Mrs Ward.