Speech by Paul Baverstock

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Baverstock
Speech Date: oct 2003

Thank you I do like a warm hand on my opening.

Hello everybody for those of you who don't know me my name is Paul.

Now when Dave asked me to be his best man I was very honoured and gladly accepted after all its not often I get to publicly humiliate Dave without him answering back!
But humiliating Dave is the easy bit standing up here is the difficult part, I can tell you it has caused me a lot of worry, in fact this isn't the first time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a wad of paper in my hand.

I've had the pleasure of knowing Dave 20 years or so so as you can imagine I have loads of stories that I could tell you all but unfortunately due to the explicit nature and the various laws of this country I'm unable to tell them or at least not while sober anyway but as luck would have it I'm am a bit of a Stella drinker so if any one wants the unedited versions you know what to do!! (That doesn't include you Sarah, Dave made me promise).

Having known Dave since he was a small lad it only seems fitting that I share with you my recollection of our friendship over the years. I met Dave at Parklands school where we formed a good friendship that benefited from us living close together.
As well terrorising the neighbourhood Dave and I both joined the local scout group in order to further our antics. Many happy days were spent making fires and reading magazines (wink wink), this fun ended one fateful hour when Dave's abrupt sense of humour pushed one of the kids too far and having had the ultimatum of apologising or leaving, needless to say we were scouts no more.

After leaving we turned our attention to gun crime for our amusement. I'll never forget Jackie's face when the police arrived at the door following a ride by shooting of the windows in Cedar drive.
This innocent fun came to a swift holt when Dave met his match in the form of an old bloke form across the street, he out whited and overpowered Dave to grab the gun and send him packing then proceeding to grass us up.
When the police turned up Dave didn't know who to be more scared of them or bill. Too be honest it was probably Jackie.

Having decided his path was not in crime Dave soon turned his concentrations to drinking and spent most of his pubescent years drinking beer and smoking fags with myself and many others who are here in this room, but it would not be right to name them would it Adi.
But never one to be taken for a ride on many an occasion I remember Dave referring to his handy “short measure guide” that had been passed down the Lambert generations for years to check the head on his pint.
One particular time he asked the barmaid if she could fit a whisky in the top of his pint, upon her answer being yes, he quickly replied “so fill it up with flipping beer then (or words to those affect) quite lairy for a sixteen year old eh, and defiantly time for a quick exit.

Sadly in 1995 Dave left us all and headed off to Southampton to further his drinking skills, I mean education. Many a time I went to visit Dave, not that I remember most of it, but
I do remember he fitted in well and made friends easily, some of which will be with us today and came with us on Dave's stag do to Prague.
However, that's one of those Stella stories, so come and find me later.

Three years later and having graduated with a third…Er third chin and a beer belly that is! Dave returned to Chichester and moved into our up market bachelor pad, and after three years away I soon discovered that Dave still suffered from the social inadequacies he had before leaving.

I have one word for you Dave.

NIPPLES This happened around the time that Dave met Sarah again I really do hope it wasn't the same night!!

As I'm sure anyone who knows Dave will tell you he prides himself on his impeccable dress sense and Adonis like physique this was illustrated to us perfectly one evening during our thorough bachelor preparations for a night out on the town.
We were all sat in the lounge of our flat enjoying the finest (or should I say cheapest) drinks bottoms up had to offer.
Mean while unawares to us Dave was hard at work in his bedroom putting his engineering degree to good use trying to overcome the age old problem of prominent nipples under a tight T shirt! A few minuets later Dave entered the room his face awash with triumph chest pushed out without a nipple in sight, he then proudly showed the fruits of his labour a make shift elstoplast bra that he planned to wear out that evening! I don't know what was more worrying the fact the he had made it or the fact that he intended to wear it out.
All I can say is that you're bloody lucky that your nips aren't as hairy as mine Dave!.

Now on a more serious note I would like to express my sincerest delight and amazement that Dave has found him self such a beautiful wife as he has In Sarah.
Sarah I would like to express my sincerest delight and amazement that you managed to survive Dave's infamous chat up lines and boring road talk to see Dave for the great person that he really is.

Looking at you both here today it's obvious to everyone you make a lovely couple, but little did you realise that all those years ago while holding hand on a school trip to Graffam you would be sat here today.

Thankfully only Dave knows where his hands have been since! (Whistle)

Well I think you have put up with me for long enough now so I would like to finish with a famous quote that seems very apt.

“If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
And,
If all it does is …just sit in your house, mess up your stuff,
eat your food, and monopolize your Television.…
You've married Dave

If every one would like to join me in raising their glasses

The bride and
Groom.

Dave and Sarah.