Speech by Paul Beavis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Beavis
Speech Date: 22/07/2011 16:09:24

Opening:Ladies and Gentlmen, its now the time for the best mans speech. I have spent many weeks pondering on what to say, what I am allowed to say and what best not mention. I ask the Robb and Gemma to join hands throughout my kinds words.Gemma, please place your left/right hand on the table and Robb please place yours on top of Gemmas and press down her hand ever so gently and whilst I do the honour of the best man in the tradional speech I dont want to see those hands move.Now I did ask for a microphone but was told one wasn't available. So if you can't hear me at the back, the silence from the people at the front should re-assure you that you're not missing out on anything.None of you will know this, but I've actually congratulated the groom already. ‘Robb,’ I said to him, ‘Well done! You will always look back on this event as the happiest and best thing you've ever done.’ Fitting words, I thought, at the end of a fantastic stag do.What I love about weddings are the vows, the words that are said are so special and meaningful, its the time you can express your feeligns for each other, so fitting for certain weddings, Robb and Gemma's in particular, you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Robb couldn't have done any better and Gemma couldn't have done any worse.Body:I decided to do some research on the internet for some facts about the 5th Septebmer. Not many people will know this but on this very day 80 years ago on the 5th September the famous Alcatraz prison accepted its first inmates. This is where young men were taken away from their families where they led a life of solitary confinement from which there was no escape. They were endlessly tortured, humiliated and basically forced to do whatever their masters wanted. I'm sure that when Gemma picked today for the wedding it was a complete coincidence.I have really been looking forward to today, as after all the years I have known Robb, we have been competing in everything we do, who's the best crime fighter, who does the most dangerous acitivities, who has the greatest attraction to the opposite sex, to name only a few, and today has finally admitted that I am in fact the best man. I bought a book about being Best Man which told me I couldn't talk about sex, drugs or violence so that not only is the first one ruled out by the stagg do it also includes our working career together! Least I haven't mentioned any of those!When Robb was at school all those years ago he was officially the ugliest person in school and thats from Robb himself, he was skinny, had no front tooth, an exceptionally spotty face and a case of bad hair (i had a mullet), not content with being so unattractive to the opposite sex, I embarked on forming the only known Jean Michel Jarre tribute band at the age of 15 – which was so unsuccesful, they were booed off at their first gig.  assuring even less female attention for another couple of years.  Robb left school and became a hairdresser though this only lasted 4 months before he decided to try to earn more money by getting a job at the local catalogue returns centre where he'd spend 25 hours a week peeling soiled plastic gusset stickers out of ladies swimwear which were returned by customers, im bet your glad you didnt know him then Gemma! This is a skill Robb still reminds me he has today.Not wanting to tie himself down to a career too early, he decided to go to college, where he studied A-levels, music, computer skills, english and politics.  The studies lasted 3 years during which time, he forgot why he had gone there and just bummed about, becoming the drummer in his next band called “GEOLOGICAL FAULT” – a great name deduced from ‘crackin’ rock’. After 3 years “studying” and after the mock exams, he got called into the Principles office where he was told to collect his things and leave the college prior to taking any exams…he only got 14% in his mocks and if they let him stay, he would have single handedly brought an excellent acheiving college way down the league tables.Robb applied for a job at the great career defining employer of McDonalds, Robb thought he would be well suited to working on the drive through, after all its taking an order, collecting the money, returning any change and handing a straw, servettes and any extras. However MCdonalds replied to his application stating and I quote, ‘your not the right stuff!’. Maybe they were right as from then on Robb spends all his hard earned overtime on KFC's.A phrase was given to me from a friend for this speech, “Now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!” however those who know Robb, will know that Robb can tell a story, much like his father. Robb being the great scuba diver that he is, loves to tell stories of his dives in the Med however before I move onto his scuba diving experiences i feel it is necessary to inform you of where his love the aqautic life started. Robb worked at Daves Aquarium in Bolton where being the young red blooded male he was he would find any excuse to talk to the young attractive girls that worked there on the tills. Robb was asked by another member of staff to asks the girls on the till to obtain a certain piece of aquatic hardware. Anyone who knows anything about fish know that you have a tank of water, a filter, an air supply through a tube and so forth. So there is he is, Robb a young attractive male approaching a young attractive female, Robbs heart pounding, wondering if his words are going to stutter or is he just going to lose all his words and look a fool. Robb needn't of worried as his opening line was said exactly right, ‘I would like a metre of fallopian tubes!. I hope now you understand what you asked for! Robb then worked as an optical engineer and went on to father his beutiful daughter Erin and join the Police farce, sorry force! At this point his life changed.IT was christmas 2002, when Robb approached me at work in Bury our friendship started. From then on we have been great friends, we worked together, we went to the pub together. We'd go out into town drinking, Robb would always and fair play to him he would always have a go with whatever girl he accidently bumped into and all the time we would get a taxi back together talking about his success, sucesses at getting taxi doors slammed closed by the group of girls he had been harrasing. In 2005 We travelled to Cyprus with Andy Pidd and it was what has to be one of the best holidays of all times, we were respectful, we stayed at a family hotel away from the busy night life of ayia napa. however every night we managed to roll into town and memories were certainly created, none of which can be shared here today. Enough to say that in true keeping with his past (and though by now he'd become a handsome male and got a full set of teeth and everything, not one person came near him during that holiday! He never did figure out that sporting his favourite holiday shirt from 10 years previously around the pool and out in town during the day much dampned his attempts.One of thier first dates was to Blackpool. Robb picked me Gemma up from her mum and dad's, which I believe was the first time they met him. They went for an Italian and then a romantic stroll along the sea front, Robb ended up catching a cold and spent the rest of the weekend wrapped up in his duvet, shivering, called into work ‘on the sick’, and developed the very rough tough masculine nickname ‘sniffles’ For the weekend Gemma was of course fine, despite the fact she was wearing a sleeveless jacket that night, and he was all wrapped up!!! And that started the ‘man of the relationship’, Gemma! Yes you only have to call round unexpectedly at their house to see Gemma with a hammer in her hand putting up a set of shelves as Robb sits relaxing on his recliner chairs.Gemma met his mum and dad one early Sunday morning, and of course the girl meeting the now boyfriends parents is a very important moment, one which can make or break the following girl to future parents in law relationship. Gemma had stayed over at their house, Robb at this time was living in the smallest back bedroom in fact his keyboard took up more room that his bed.  Robbs parents had spent the previous 2 weeks in Turkey and Robb was under the assumption they were arriving home at 7pm not 7am, so, this is how the edited version goes, they were awoken in the early hours by them banging on the front door to let them in and Gemma met Robbs parents well I will leave you to imagine that!Robb made his break to freedom leaving the crutches of his parents at the manly age of 28 and quite bizarrley bought his first ever house, now a few years on for even more money than he had originally paid for it!Robb asked Gemma to move in with him after being together for only 5 months, Robb asks in the morning, goes off for a hard days work and when he returns he can hardly open the door as Gemma had moved all her stuff in! Although he later admitted it was because he was tired of Gemma coming round all the time and eating his food, and using his water and electricity, Robb the true romantic realised it was much cheaper to have Gemma living with him, more money could then be spent on his belovered KFC's!In 2006 RObb and I made our way back to Cyrpus for another ‘lads holiday’ with a good friend of ours John Dineen and infairness to Gemma she didnt mind one bit. It was clear by then how much RObb had fallen for her. After the many years of talking to Robb about marriage etc I knew that he didn't ever want to be married again however it was now clear that he might be changing his mind.For years Robb and I would meet up at the Lord Nelson pub on a sunny afternoon in Ringley and put the world to rights. However, Robb would always have some long entertaining story to tell of tales from the past. AS the years went on and in deed he met Gemma these stories were continued, now the difference being that Robb would tell the story and then Gemma would tell the accurate and much less entertaining version.It was of course a great honour to be chosen as best man. But from the moment Robb asked me it was clear that the best man speech would be the most challenging part of the day. If only because of having to select, only some, from the wealth of embarrassing stories of which I could choose. However, Robbs parents were immediately on hand with a host of stories, some of which are suitable to be shared here today and others that on payment at the bar I will gladly share at the bar.I was releaved when Robb met Gemma, Robb as many people will know is not really the man of the house. He can tell a good story about how to lay a lawn, but making a rabbit hutch, or laying floor tiles in the kitchen he just cant do. Gemma on the other hand, and in this respect is certainly the man of the relationship.

Robbs dad when he was 17, me craig and robb learn't to scuba dive in turkey, we spent about 7 days, diving twice a day, we all loved it, then robb hear's some diver's talking about an underwater cave where you dive to 15 metres, swim down a tunnel, then come up in an underground cavern,  “are we going dad?” was the first thing out of his mouth, so I asked craig, he said no…it could be dangerous…but robb was having none of it, “were trained diver's dad…what can go wrong”…robb had made his mind up….so I had no choice but to go, well it was very good…and like we were told we could come up inside a cavern,…but when we decided to leave, robb couldnt dive under, and we had problems finding our way out…we did manage to get out, but Robb had hurt his ears….and on arriving back on the surface Robb was laughing and saying…”that was bloody stupid….were not doing anything like that again, 2 days later he hear's theres a first world war wreck in the bay…”are we going dad?”…so I asked craig if he wanted to dive on it, he said “no….its quiet deep and could be dangerous”, but Robb was having none of it…”were trained divers….and its not going to be like the cave..dad….what can go wrong” well robb had made his mind up to go, so I had no choice, we dived the wreck…it was about 45 metres deep…was absolutely amazing….we could see where the torpedo had hit, the guns on the deck, we could see inside the wreck, the whole dive was going great, we hadnt got lost,……then dad runs out of air, although there was a guide diver with us, and I shared his air it was still very scary, and we had to stop for ten minutes on the way up, we barley had any air left, on reaching the boat, Robb was laughing…”that was bloody stupid…were not doing anything like that again”, 2 days later he hear's about a reef dive,   it was only about 15 metres deep, “are we going dad?”, so I asked craig if he wanted to dive it, he said “no…it's 6 miles out to sea it could be dangerous”, but Robb wasn't having any of it, “were trained diver's, and its not going to be like the cave….and its not deep like the wreck…..dad…what can go wrong?”, well Robb had made his mind up, and i had no choice but to go, so we took the dive boat trip to the wreck…it took about an hour to get out there, we suited up…and went diving….it was spectacular,…there was so much to see, all the diffrent kind of fish, the corel formations, we could even see where large hooks from fishing boats had snagged the rocks when they were fishing for sharks, the whole dive had gone without incident…we hadn't got lost, dad hadnt run out of air, Robb hadnt hurt himself, and we were guided back to the boat safe and sound, we got to the surface about 5 metres from the boat…..4 divers and a guide came up…..and were promptly taken away in a strong current,  2 of the divers managed to swim back to the boat…but me roob and the guide were carried away, craig said later that within 10 minutes we were out of sight, normaly the boat would have just followed us….but….the guy who drives the boat…has just gone diving with his girlfriend and wouldn't be back for sometime, our guide left his tank and jacket with us and decided to try to swim back, we were left bobbing round in the sea for over an hour, we couldnt see the boat, they couldnt see us, and when your bobbing around out there, all sorts of things go through your mind, but we were very calm…till Robb reminded me about the large fishing hooks we had seen, and started laughing and said “heah dad…I been thinking…if they were fishing for sharks out here…do you think there might be some about?”…….dad lose's his calm ……….they did manage to find us..and as we climbed back onto the boat, Robb started laughing….”that was bloody stupid…were not doing anything like that again” robb has a microlite now…he has already asked craig if he wants to go up with him….craig has politely refused……..and i know he's going to ask his dad next….well…here's a message from your dad Robb….what ever happens..what ever's said…..don't you bloody well utter those famous words   “DAD….I'M TRAINED…….WHAT CAN GO WRONG?” ————————Messages from ppl:Congratulations on your special day Robb we will miss u All the girls from the fantasy lounge XX Dear Robb,Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice, Love Michael Barrymore. I went round all the friends and family here today to get their thoughts on Robb so allow me to read some of them out:The best friend a guy can have that's mine Thoughtful, Caring, Trusting, Charismatic all very kind words Round and Hairy that came from a table near the back thanks for thatI only heard a few bad comments and I think its only fair I read these too Lazy, Stubborn, Selfish, RudeI thought hold on that's a bit harsh not entirely untrue but unnecessaryfor a Best mans speech…..but then again if his parents don't know him who does.Ending:I do have to say how lucky you are Robb. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. And Gemma how lucky you are as well you leave today having gained a Gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Throughout the years that I have known Robb, the phrase, ‘living the dream’ has long been used between us. We have said it in hot waters whilst on many holidays, toasted many a time to it whilst having no recollection why. But now, you are certainly living the dream. You are a crime fighter, (a boys dream), a rock star (a boys dream) and after many years of being all talk, you are now a pilot, a boys dream. You have achieved what you set out to achieve and for Robb this can only be described as a miracle. But you have done it and topped it all off by marrying Gemma, a mans dream. Robb you are very luckly to have Gemma to look after you through life to come. I have seen how she looks after you, does your washing, cooking, ironing, keeps the house tidy, however I'd like to leave you with this single piece of advice and I've researched this and as far as I can see it's true. My advice is, always help Gemma with jobs around the house. It's in your best interest. Apparently, there has never been one recorded case in history, where a wife has shot her husband, while he was doing the washing up.Now in case any of you are wondering why I asked Robb to place his hand on Gemmas. I will tell you now, Robb as my final role, it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Gemma. It will almost certainly be the last.Before I finish, I would like to give Robb some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything Gemma says!Secondly, never be afraid that Gemma will leave you – she's spent time training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly!Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”Fourthly, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it onceWhenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it…Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is marriedAnd lastly remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in a church to get married and only a couple of words mumbled in your sleep to get divorced.On behalf of everyone here I want to thank you for all the fun we've had and all the fun still to come. Enjoy every hour and thank you for sharing today with us.Im sure everybody agrees you make a great couple, and it's been fantastic to be a part of this celebration of your clear love towards one another.You're among friends who want the very best for you both. Today is your day, Please enjoy it. May your joy be everlasting and your only pain be champagne. Phrases:I wish to give everyone here a chance to ask Robb in times to come, what did the best mans speech refer to when he mentioned ……………..- Orange, flakes and no clothes- toilet escapades with pots and pans in cyprus- falling into bath tubs at the end of a 30th birthday party- finding a quiet spot in the back lanes of newcastle to collect your well spent money- to not intervening and standing by over a good mate whilst he tries to electrocute himself rewiring a house alarm at 4am- to its fair to say that my time with Robb over the past seven years has been eventful, memorable and a great journey.Well, I won't keep you any longer, I know Robb's dying to buy you all a drink at the bar.Toasts:May your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last 4 ever.HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER,AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,AS Robb and Gemma START THEIR NEW LIFE,PLEASE STAND & TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE.If you would all be up standing in my toastTo the new Mr and Mrs LeacyRobb and GemmaNow it gives me great Pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, with out them the today would not be the same,Would you raise your glasses to toast..The bar staff!!Ladies and Gentlemen..Mr and Mrs Leacy