Speech by Paul Bernard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Bernard
Speech Date: mar 2003

The Hotel management have asked me to ask you not to stand on the tables or chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech.
I think an introduction is worthwhile (pause) …for those of you who do not yet know me, my name is Paulwhatwouldyouliketodrink. I hope as many of you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.
At this point I would like to thank Steve on behalf of Maxine, Ellie and Melissa for his kinds words. I would also like to add my own appreciation. I think you'll all agree they all look lovely today in their dresses and I know Esther wants me to thank them for the help they have provided.
I would like to propose a toast. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bridesmaids.
I am Steve's older brother but more importantly, I am Steve's best man today. I cannot tell you how fantastic it was to finally hear Steve admit that I am indeed the, best man! I picked up a couple of books on the responsibilities of the best man, and searched the internet for more information.
I was quite surprised at what I was expected to do today, so here is some of what is expected of me.

Firstly, to bring a cheque book or credit card to cover any payments which the groom may have forgotten, sorry mate my card only has a £3,000 limit
Help the groom to dress, and can you believe it, we still came dressed the same, I told you I was wearing this!

o Ensure all ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. I am reliably informed that Dolly is out grazing at the moment, blissfully unaware that you are getting married

Finally, make a speech to the bride and groom – Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people. Still, must press on…
Steve was born on the 15 March 1973 and was about the size of a small baby.
How times change!
I'm afraid to say I don't think he was the bonniest baby, because mums morning sickness didn't start until after Steve was born!
Now just to enlighten you all with a few choice moments in Steve's life as seen through his older brothers eyes. There was of course the hilarious moment when he was about 6 years old and we were playing about as you do, when I accidentally slammed his thumb in our front door and I wondered why it hadn't shut. Needless to say a trip to the Dr's was in order that day.
Or the comical moment when I shot him in the leg with my air rifle, oh how we laughed. Sorry, I laughed.
But of course that all had to end eventually, because like all younger brothers, he eventually got to be the same size as me and I felt that I had educated him enough in the ways of the world.
I am sure that I speak for Steve and Esther in thanking you all for coming today, and helping them to eat and drink through their hard earned money, condemning their early years of marriage to hardship, destitution and debt.
Seriously, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank both of them for always being there for me when I've needed them, which I certainly have in the past, even if it is just to go round for a bit of psychology, or to eat them out of house and home. There's not many best men who can describe the bride as a true friend, as well as the groom, but I'm lucky in that I can do exactly that. It is an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.
On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I started planning this speech 12 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Steve and Esther, Mr and Mrs Bernard no less, who deserve to be here with each other today (and I do mean that in the nicest possible way). We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. Steve and Esther…