Speech by Paul Bolton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Bolton
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen….… For all those that don't know me my name is
Paul Whatyoudrinking.… And if you would like to shout that around the bar later on it would be much appreciated, at this moment in time it's a double vodka

I would like to thank Bob on behalf of these lovely bridesmaids, and the little pageboy Ben for his kind words

On a personal note I would like to thank Bob for asking me to be best man, we were both very drunk at the time but when he confirmed it months later it felt like I was being asked to sleep with the queen mother
………..… it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it

So Bob came into this world on the …..… with … elder sisters and doting parents looking over him

As you can see from Bob ears Jack and Jill didn't believe in lying him on his side as a baby!

Bob was in the limelight from day 1 at primary school, for weeks and week's Bob pestered his teacher to play the leading role in the forthcoming Christmas play……….… No ladies and gentlemen it wasn't Noddy and Big ears but scrooge!

Bob then progressed to high school and was playing for about every football team around Lancs ….… He even made it to junior county team.

On a warm up game for a tournament in Amsterdam the ever the eager lad got the ball fired into his wedding tackle
The young Bob hit the deck screaming, the mother ran from the touchline frantic to save her young boy
But the only words john could scream where
“ Dad get her off the pitch”

A week later after the incident Bob had to go for a medical in preparation for Amsterdam it was one of those medicals that you have to drop em and cough
Well they could only find 1 cherry in the bag so an operation was booked at the hospital!
When Bob arrived at the hospital he had a final check up with the doctor, it was one of those where you have to drop em and cough
All of a sudden the operation was cancelled there were now 2 cherries in the bag!

In light of this incident I'd like to give you a present to remind you Bob of how many cherries should be in the bag
( Present cherries )

Bob left school after being head boy in the final year nd started work at the local butchers, then after a couple of years he joined ……..were I first met Bob
Now John had aspirations of becoming a paramedic
But Bob's first aid skills are much to be desired…..…

One day in the meat room he came up with the idea that he would get the pricing lady who didn't like to touch blood to put her hand in a pool of it
So with his silky tongue he managed to persuade her to touch some with his help
As soon as her finger touched some she was out cold on the floor
Bob looked at me………… I looked at him
A look of fear came over his face and panic set in
The next thing he is slapping her around the face shouting “wake up, wake up”
To our relief she did do
The paramedic job was never mentioned again!

And finally to today……… Well Bob I'd like to give you a bit of advice on this married lark..…
There are 2 golden rules
You will pleased to know the 1st can be compared to football, which is obviously a great passion of his

You have to be committed every week and make sure you score every Saturday
However Jill assures me playing away from home will result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way onto the transfer list

The 2nd rule is make sure you get on with the mother-in-law………… I didn't speak to mine for 2 years not because I don't get on with her ….… I just didn't want to interrupt

Now ladies and gentlemen I'd like to read some cards

Read various cards

To Bob and Jill
Gail please check all equipment is in place tonight
Love Doctor Kildare
Lancashire hospital

All it leaves me to say is if you could all stand to toast the bride and groom

Health and happiness to the new MR and MRS ….…

Bob and Jill