Speech by Paul Bond

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Bond
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Thank you

First of all I would like to thank you all for coming today especially those of you that have travelled long distances for those of you that don't know me my name is Paul whatdoyoudrink and if you do approach me later please address me by my full name. On behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank dick for his kind words and I must agree the bride and the bridesmaids all look wonderful, just look the hair by vidal Sassoon the dresses from Gucci the make up from B&Q.

Best man
When dick asked me to be his best man I've got to be honest I started to panic, what am I gonna say what can I say but dick reassured me he said if I do a good job today I can be the best man at his next wedding.
Well anyway it's nice to be at a normal wedding for a change, I was at a wedding last week where two aerials got married. The wedding was desperate but the reception was great.

Early years
As most of you are aware I am dicks slightly older brother so I've known him since his beginning.
So that's where ill start. Dick was born 31st January 1969 at Marston Green Hospital he weighed just 6lb 8 oz and came prematurely so there's no change there then. If you look at him Its not a too big a stretch of your imagination too accept that frankly he was an ugly baby. In fact you know he was nearly called Friday on the day he was born my mom turned to my dad and said we really should call it a day.

School years
In our school years we both went to park hall comprehensive school and I didn't see much of dick but from what I have gathered he was an ideal pupil that excelled in most subjects
Sorry I meant to say
He was an idle pupil that was expelled from most subjects.
Only the other day I was trying to find some photos of his school days and mom said do you want the one where he is showing his Willie of course I took it. But I'm sorry dick no company in Birmingham could blow it up big enough, so that you could actually see anything. Sorry mate.

Jobs
Well school years passed and he went to work with the old man at ryland and Jameson. Dick was never destined to stay there though only after a few months of being there a 30 ton brick wall fell on him the thing is this brick wall had been there over hundred years with not a crumble of mortar until dick arrived. This was a message to dick to leave and he did pretty sharpish. Dick had a number of jobs after that mostly fitting windows for all sorts companies. He has also worked for himself along with rob cresswell as his slave I mean as his fitting mate I've worked with the pair of them and I can tell you it's an experience. The one that comes to mind is the time we worked at clarech bay in Aberystwyth fitting windows in chalets if you want the full story and your not tickled stomached ask either of them later. But I think he has finally found his field now in computers. About two years ago he made a decision that he was going to college to train in this field and it appears to have come off for him. But you know dick it doesn't matter how many times you change you job now your always gonna have the same boss. Now dick and me haven't always seen eye to eye I remember once we had an argument I was calling him big ears he was calling me fatty and we both ran home crying but sure enough the next day dick e-mailed me from work and we made up.

Stag do
Now last week was the stag do and we decided it was going to be the usual Newcastle, I say usual because the last two stag do's that dick and myself have been on were Newcastle based. It started bad with me having to wait for two hours for the mini bus to arrive. Once on the bus it seemed to going well plenty of room on the bus. It wouldn't do more than 60 mph but I thought what the hell we'd get there eventually. We're travelling along merrily for about two hours just got passed Nottingham when we decided it was time for a break. After the break we're back on the bus pulling back on to the motorway when there's an almighty bang no breaks and hardly any steering we pulled over and phoned the AA and were told yeh mate two hours wait. Well this was not good enough the beers were running low and Looking around us there was nothing but fields all farmland with four-foot fences covered in barbed wire. But in the distance was hope we could see a church. There must be a village the must be an offy there must be beer. Now this was a good walk at least a couple of mile so we sent bob and jasper. We watched them till they disappeared and was sure that was the last we would ever see of them. An hour or so passed and couple of the lads had collapsed through lack of fluid. When the two of them appeared over a fence with carrier bags in their hands. Yes they had saved the day 40 bottles of beer you'd thought England had won the world cup. With a new minibus in hand we made Newcastle at 10.00 just time for a quick pint and a song from prosser. Next morning was paintballing we got there about 9.00 and it was so hot. We all got into our gear. Macki was doing some stretches and telling the lads if they want to be winners they had better be on his team. We played five games and the day lasted till about 1.00 and it was enjoyed by all. On the way back to the bed and breakfast all I could here in the back was them saying did you see me no did you see me shoot him remember when I shot you no remember when I shot him. Back at the B&B we were showered and back out. All I can say about the evening was that we all behaved like the respectable 30 something year olds that we all are but it will cost someone a lot of beer for the truth. On the day we left we had to refill the van so we go to the nearest petrol station. Now in my bag all weekend there had been a set of police issue handcuffs that we hadn't had chance to use and by this time dick had thought he had got away it. But the lads decided that they were gonna cuff him to the jet wash. So wriggling and jumping he was dragged to the jet wash for a shower. This brought great attention from passers by and people using the garage. The owner was great as well she let him dry off and change in her toilet. I just like to say thanks to dicks school mates for coming they made it a very entertaining weekend thanks lads.

Advice
Now I've been married for just over fourteen years. So I feel a little qualified to give these whippersnappers some advice.
Remember Dick it's important to get on with your mother-in law I didn't speak to mine for two years don't get me wrong its not that I didn't like her I was just too polite to interrupt.
Now people say that marriage is a 50/50 partnership now any one in this room that believes this knows little about women or fractions.
Jenny remember you must let him ogle, if he doesn't look at other women how is supposed to know how pretty you are.
Dick always remember NEVER SWEAR AT YOUR WIFE WHEN THERES LADIES PRESENT.

A gift
Just in case you do ever get into any arguments I've bought you a little present and the offending party has to wear it (pull out t shirt with dick and jenny till death do us part written on it).
A little something extra I don't know where your going on your holiday but I presume its gonna be hot so I got you a bride and groom thong set for the beach.

The end
On a serious note, dick you're not only my brother but you are a great friend probably the best friend I've got and it has truly been an honour being your Bestman. Jenny is a lovely girl, she deserves a good husband, so thank god you married her before she found one.
Well I started this speech about three weeks ago and it feels like I've been delivering it just as long
I would like to thank both set of parents for making this a great day and now
To round off, if you all would please stand it gives me great pleasure, not to mention great relief, to ask you to charge your glasses and raise a toast …to Richard & Jenny Mr & Mrs bond no less.

Participate in speech
Before I finish I would like to ask dick and jenny to participate in the speech now. Jenny if I can ask you to place you had flat on the table. . . dick, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of jenny dick . . . I hope that you are enjoying that mate as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand..

Faxes and cards
There are also a few cards and faxes I received and I should read them out
Real ones if any

Dear jenny sorry we couldn't be there but don't you think its strange how history repeats itself 30 years ago your mom put you to bed with a dummy and the same thing is happening all over again.

To dick little Johnny and me will see you in court you lying son of a ….…

Congratulations and best wishes to you both on this special day
From Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole Farkin family.

Well ladies and gentlemen that's enough from me i'm off to get a well-earned dink. Thank you