Speech by Paul Burrows

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Burrows
Speech Date: Oct2005
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls. For those of you that dont know me, my name is Paul and I've have the privilege today of being K's best man. I hope that you've all enjoyed the day so far and I promise not to spoil it by rambling on too long.

I would like to thank J's bridesmaid, R for performing her role so
gracefully, and for managing to look fantastic throughout the entire day. I would also like to congratulate her for doing such a great job in making sure that J look at J went against her better judgement, didn't change her mind and actually made it to the alter on time. J you look fantastic, beautiful and radiant. I am sure that you have made your Mum and Dad, M and D very proud on this special day.

On behalf of the J and K and the bridesmaid R, I would like to thank D for his kind words.

When K asked me to be his best man I was filled with honour and pride.
However that was quickly replaced with nerves and fear when I released that, as well as making sure that K didnt get too drunk on his stag doo, that he managed to get dressed this morning all be himself and that he arrived at the Church on time, I would have to stand here today and give a speech to a room full of people, most of whom I dont know. So not being much of a speech writer, I turned to some learned friends for advice and assistance, then to educated books and then finally to the Internet. Hours and hours I spent carrying out research,looking for a ready made speech that would fit todays special events. All in vain. Nothing fitted and nothing seemed quite right. It then dawned on me that it was going to come down to me, that I would have to write it. I would have to talk about K's wild and colourful youth, about all the things he used to get up to as a young lad and at the same time not give J grounds for an instant divorce … Let me tell you if was very difficult and my memory had to be somewhat selective ..

The year was 1969. Scientists carried out the first successful test tube
fertilisation of a human egg, which I am reliably informed had nothing to do with K's conception ! There was free love for all at Woodstock, Concorde made its first flight and Neil Armstrong was jumping around on the surface of the moon. It was also the year that K made his entrance into the world, doubtless kicking and screaming as he arrived. I tried to find out some more details of how K's birth went but his mum, E look at E is still too traumatised to talk about it .. I dont know, I think it all stems from when the midwife slapped E rather than K.

I first met K back in 1981, some twenty four years ago. There I was sitting on the slope outside the swimming pool at the old Craigshill High School in Livingston when I was approached by this rather dirty looking, foul mouthed young lad. His opening line to me, minus the swear words, was &quotwho the f*** are you&quot. That was it, our friendship was born and since that day we have been through thick and thin together and many, many storys could and perhaps should, be told.

I know that at this point K look at K will be gritting his teeth and
whispering under his breath &quotDont do this, dont do this&quot but Hey ! I have
nerves of steel drink from glass with shaking hand .… and I am
determined to continue …

But, where to start ? Twenty four years is such a long time and so to help me I have collected a few props in this box and I will use them as little reminders throughout my speech. So here goes …

*pull boxing gloves out of box* Ah, straight in at the deep end. Over the
years K has seen more boxing rounds than Mike Tyson, Evander Holyfield and Muhammed Ali put together. Often blooded, but never beaten was his motto.
World renowned boxing venues such as Mevilles Disco, Berwick@upon@Tweed and Pumpherston to name but a few. These names will mean nothing to most people but they will all bring memories flooding back to K. I could continue, and use this speech to reveal all, but K's lawyers have warned me that anything I say could harm his defence … *put gloves round K's neck*

Anyway, moving on and leaving the box behind for a minute .. From driving clapped out 50cc scooters up and down shale bings to bringing two horses, yes real horses, home to his mums for tea. From white water rafting on the River Tay to throwing ourselves off 100 foot bridges in East Calder. From
legimate fighting in Karate to punch ups with your team mates in Ice Hockey.
&gtFrom spending hours trying to program ZX Spectrums only to get the ”Syntax
Error” message, to standing in the old computer shop in the Mall in
Livingston staring with envy at a BBC computer with its state of the art,
self loading tape drive. From dodgy fashions to even dodgier hair cuts. Ah dodgy hair cuts. I feel I must expand. Back in his youth, believe it or not, K used to have a full head of hair. I know you wouldnt think it now look at K's head but at one time K had a full blown Afro. There is proof. A picture. K thought he had either disposed or destroyed all of them but I have managed, with the help of some willing volunteers @ cheers E, cheers R
@ to lay my hands on the remaining one. Now if you would all be kind enough to locate and open, the brown envelope that is sellotaped underneath some of your seats placed by R prior to speech, I think you will see what I am talking about wait til they get pictures. I must apologise for the cheap black and white copies but hey, I am from Scotland did you really expect me to part with any cash ? The first picture is of K sporting his Afro, the second is of baby K sporting a lovely blonde mullet and the final one is of teenage K sporting the quif from hell. To help you to understand this whole scenario I will ask K to be a jolly sporting chap, take us back to the seventies and to reinstate his infamous Afro *pull Afro out box, put on K's head*

Despite his dodgy fashion sense and even dodgier hair cuts, K never seemed to struggle when it came to attracting members of the fairer sex which leads me nicely onto the next part of my speech, K's love life. Let me tell you, if he wasnt gritting his teeth and whispering under his breath before .. he certainly is now look at K and then wink at crowd. I, and many others, could never understand how he managed to charm and seduce the ladies. K himself did offer me an explanation but I cannot repeat it here as there may be children present. Suffice to say it was something about his tongue, his ears and how long he could hold his breath. *cough* anyway … moving swiftly along. How can I describe K's love @ life in a way that causes least offence .. I might say deep and colourful? Maybe changeable and confusing?
Perhaps strange and interesting *pull handcuffs out box* Yes definately
strange. *Pull Sheep out of box* MMMMMMM, yes, definately intersting. *hand handcufss and sheep to K*. As part of my research for this speech, I have spoken to E and the topic of K's love life was mentioned. E mentioned that Karl used to give his girlfriends front door keys and that some of them had returned them and that she had collected them together. She then showed me this *pull keys out of box / bag @ empty onto table*. Let me tell you, even I was shocked. However she also said that some keys were still missing and that she felt they may be within the audience here today. So, on the behalf of E, I would ask that IF anybody has a key, that they be brave and kind enough to approach the top table here today and hand it back keys handed out by R prior to speech @ wait to see if anybody returns them

Well there you go. If ever I needed proof that K's love life was long and
interesting, I guess that was it …

On that note and for sake of our long friendship look at K I think it is perhaps best that the rest is left to the imagination. Unless of course you see me later at the Bar .. when for the price of a drink I will regal you with a stories fit enough to have come from the pen of Jackie Collins
herself.

Throughout the years K and I have been best friends. In the bad times, of
which there have been a few, we have relied on each other for friendship,
advice and support. In the good times, of which there have been many, we
have laughed, joked, got drunk and invariably gotten into way too much
trouble together …I sincerely hope that J and K's time together spans a a whole lifetime, that they fulfill all of their dreams and that any bad times are always outweighed and outshone by the good.

At this point I feel I must wind this up. As I said I dont want to ramble on
too much and end up spoiling what had already been a fantastic day for
everybody, especially J and K. So to J I would just like to say that,
despite his so@called bad points, in K you have found someone who is
genuinely smart, warm and funny and who truely loves you. To K I would like to say that you are a lucky groom. You've managed to get J to marry you today. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring. And she deserves a good husband. So thank God you married her before she found one
…

Seriously though, on behalf of the new Mr and Mrs G, I'd like to thank
everyone for coming here today and sharing in their very special day and I'd would also like to thank K for choosing me as his best man. It has been a true honour and an immense privlage.

And now, before I start getting too emotional, I am going to invite you all to take part in the first of THREE toasts..

Firstly to absent friends and family @ TOAST

Secondly to J and K's parents @ TOAST

and lastly I ask you to charge your glasses, to be please be upstanding and to join me in a toast .… to the bride and groom .… to J and K @ TOAST.

Thank you all very much for your time …