Speech by Paul Charles

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Charles
Speech Date: sep 2003
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, pageboys and ushers, I'd like to thank Paul for his kind words.

While I was trying to write this speech, I was looking in one of the guides you get about being a best man, and it had a little checklist of things to do. Apparently, I have to:

Help the groom dress – he should really know by now.

Make sure the groom uses the toilet – I'll send him in there, but I'm not making sure.

Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no hope.

Make sure his trousers are done up – at this point I'm thinking that perhaps his mum should have been best man – and finally…

Make a speech to the bride and groom – Now, I thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room for a chat and a cup of tea. I'm a bit upset to find that I've actually got to do it in front of 100 people.

Still, better get on with it…

I've know Paul for nearly 10 years, although it seems a lot longer

we met, working at a warehouse full of beer, wine, which as it turned out has been the common denominator of our friendship ever since

We've spent many a drunken evening whiling away the hours eating curries, watching football and trying to kop of with any female who'd have us

Paul used to think he was the king of the chat up line, but generally after a feeble attempt he would be back at the bar on his own while I was getting their phone number

Fortunately this never happen with Clare……..at least, not that I've told Paul!

It was on one of our evenings out in ’97 we both met Clare for the first time, they hit it of straight away, but then Paul hit it of with anyone in a skirt back then, transvestites, Scotsman etc.

Paul and Clare didn't get together for another 3 years; it's good to know you wanted to be certain

Anybody who knows Paul, would know that his first love is football this has changed since he and Clare got together, and he now only talks about it for 20 hours a day

When I first met Paul I had no love for the game, but since then I got 8 football shirts, 78 programmes and have even started going to see Crawley town play

Paul's other passion is running, this is one I will never understand, although with married life imminent it would suddenly seem more appealing, you know out on the road with no one else around!

It took Paul a further 2 years to ask Clare to marry him. He asked her on board the orient express which to this day I still think is the most romantic proposal anyone could make, and most out of character for Paul, it's a good thing I was there with the suggestions

Which has led to us all being here…..with the small matter of a stag do being required

The stag do was warm and wet affair, with the pope popping in to Madrid to wish Paul his best, the highlight for us all was watching real Madrid play at the Bernabau, everyone was overwhelmed by the stadium but more so by the 5-1 drubbing Real received.

For Paul on the other hand the highlight wasn't the 32 degrees heat or the beautiful Spanish women it was the Irish pub where he watched Stoke, play, win and stay up in the 1st division. What a sad man!

I know nothing of the goings on at the hen night other than to say I'm sure they had a good time!!
There are many stories I could tell you, but they usually end up with Paul throwing up and wetting the bed which I'm sure Clare doesn't want to here about so soon after taking her vows, and unfortunately in my memory I always seem to come out worse.

On a more serious note; Paul, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You are a great friend, and it is a true honour to be your best man.

Before the cards and toasts I would like to share my picture of Paul and Clare in the morning after the wedding night. Paul will call down to their hotel's room service and order breakfast. For himself he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two gallons of orange juice. For his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot.

The room service lady will of course be puzzled by this request and ask him whether Mrs Abbott might want something more substantial
To which Paul will probably reply

"I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!"

Seriously though Paul, you are a lucky groom; you've got Clare. She's beautiful, smart, funny, warm, loving and caring.

And Clare, you've got…………..Paul.

I now have a few cards to read from absent friends and relatives:

To Paul and Clare

Best wishes from………..…

To the groom

Thank you for your custom over the years, good luck to you and your wife
The Curry Bengal
p.s. The chicken tikka vindaloo will be delivered at 1pm as arranged

To the groom,

A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.

Will you be renewing your subscription?
Playboy Magazine.

Which leaves me to thank the two people for without we would not be here today, the bar staff!!

Seriously Clare you look beautiful and Paul you look like a fat gay penguin

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day. Thank you.

Finally on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and though it's been said before, it now gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Paul and Clare, Mr and Mrs Abbott no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, happy and fruitful marriage. Paul and Clare….…