Speech by Paul Clark

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Clark
Speech Date: Dec 2001
WHEN MARK FIRST ASKED ME TO BE HIS BEST MAN, I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS DEEPLY HONOURED,BUT UNFORTUNATELY I DIDN'T THINK THAT I WAS THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB.
HE THEN SAID TO ME, “OK, THEN. HOW ABOUT £20?”
I SAID, “MARK, IM YOUR BROTHER I CAN'T BE BOUGHT, AND I VALUE OUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH!”
HE THEN OFFERED ME, £30 & AND TWO MARKO BURGERS.
-PAUSE-

SO GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES & GENTLEMEN. AND AS YOU ALL KNOW MY NAME IS PAUL AND I AM MARKS BEST MAN TODAY!

FIRSTLY,ON BEHALF OF MY SELF AND THE BRIDESMAIDS, I'D LIKE TO THANK MARK FOR HIS KIND WORDS. I KNOW THE BRIDESMAIDS WILL AGREE WITH ME WHEN I SAY IT HAS BEEN BOTH A PRIVILEGE AND A PLEASURE TO BE INVOLVED
I MUST SAY THAT TRACY & KATE HAVE DONE AN EXCELLENT JOB TODAY IN GETTING CHERYL TO THE CEREMONY ON TIME.
IT'S BEEN A WONDERFUL DAY AND A VERY EMOTIONAL WEDDING – LOOK, EVEN THE CAKES IN TEARS!!

I'D ALSO LIKE TO ADD MY OWN THANKS TO THE THANKS OF EVERYBODY HERE TODAY TO MARK AND CHERYL FOR PROVIDING US ALL WITH SUCH LAVISH HOSPITALITY

When MARK asked me to be his best man I was well chuffed. They say that being a best man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother –
it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it. Well I've actually been looking forward to it,
but she's up in Balmoral this weekend, so here I aminstead

NOW THERE'S A FEW OF YOU HERE TODAY THAT KNOW I WAS REALLY NERVOUS about making a speech today,
so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them,I feel absolutely fine NOW!!

Now……., Ladies and Gentlemen, I must confess I've never been married myself, although, I do think I may have some idea of what MARRIAGE must be like. OUCH……..AS I'VE BEEN LIVING WITH MY DARLING GIRL FRIEND TRACY FOR THE LAST 15 MONTHS AND IF THERE'S ONE PIECE OF ADVICE I COULD GIVE MARK AND CHERYL THAT HAS KEPT OUR RELATIONSHIP STRONG ITS GOT TO BE NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY AFTER ROWING, STAY UP AND FIGHT

I actually tried to get in touch with some of MARKS ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send a message to wish him all the best,
but it appears that since the advent of foot and mouth, most of them have been quarantined or shot and burned. Sorry BRO.

NOW BEFORE I LAUNCH INTO THE TRADITIONAL CHARACTER ASSASSINATION OF THE GROOM, I THINK WE ALL AGREE CHERYL LOOKS ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS TODAY.
BRO, I THINK YOU'VE DONE EXTREMELY WELL MARRYING CHERYL
YOU'VE FOUND SOMEONE WHO'S BEAUTIFUL, CHARMING, SMART, FUNNY, LOVING, CARING AND WORKS FOR THE LOCAL COUNCIL AND THAT'S GOT TO HAVE ITS USES KNOW WHAT I MEAN…
AND CHERYL, WELL YOU'VE GOT…… PAUSE. …………WELL MARK!!!
WHOEVER SAID MARRIAGES HAD TO START OUT BALANCED

I SPOKE TO CHERYL'S DAD EARLIER AND HE WAS REMINISCING HOW FAST CHILDREN GROW UP NOWADAYS?
HE SAID THAT WHEN CHERYL WAS A TODDLER, HE REMEMBERS HER RUNNING AROUND WITH A DUMMY… SO NO CHANGE THERE NOW!!

I THOUGHT I'D TELL YOU A LITTLE ABOUT MARK NOW.
I ASKED ME MUM FOR SOME CUTE PHOTOGRAPHS TO SHOW EVERYONE TODAY.
THERE WAS ONE SWEET ONE OF HIM, LYING NAKED ON A SHEEPSKIN RUG, EATING A CHOCOLATE BISCUIT AND DRIBBLING.
I WAS GOING TO SHOW IT TODAY BUT IT MIGHT BE TOO EMBARRASSING FOR HIM AS HE'S 19 AT THE TIME!!!

AT WORK, SO I'M TOLD, MARK IS OFTEN DESCRIBED AS GOD.
NO ONE EVER SEES HIM,
HE MAKES HIS OWN RULES,
AND IT'S A BLOODY MIRACLE IF HE DOES ANY WORK AT ALL!!!

NOW When writing my speech I actually got a bit of writer's block at this stage.COS AS ALL OF YOU THAT KNOW MY BROTHERS WILL IS A REALLY NICE GUY AND ITS HARD TO SAY MUCH ABOUT HIM THAT'S NOT NICE PUT HAND OUT AND TAKE A TENNER OFF MARK

AT THIS POINT I WOULD LIKE TO READ OUT A FEW CARDS

* CHERYL, I'll miss OUR late nights together, I'm sorry you never picked me. Brad Pitt

* MARK I'll miss those Saturday nights at the WineBar. MICHAEL BARRYMORE

To MARK, from all at Madame Thrashards spanking parlour,we hope you have a great day. PS we have received your annual subscription cheque, with thanks

* My place, 10 o'clock – HRH THE QUEEN MOTHER (woops that one's for me)

I'm going to stop talking now because of my throat. MARK has threatened to cut it if I talk for too long

SO To you BRO I would JUST like to say that NOT ONLY ARE YOU MY BROTHER BUT ALSO A dear friend.
We have been through some bad times and we have been through a lot of good times. Your friendship has been a source of strength tome throughout the years and I want to say that it has been an honour and a privilege to stand beside you today, thanks BRO…

FINALLY, ON A SERIOUS NOTE, LADIES & GENTLEMEN, A FEW WISE WORDS FOR MARK & CHERYL.

Always remember those three little words…..You're right dear

Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

AND FINALLY

YOU DON'T MARRY SOMEONE YOU CAN LIVE WITH, YOU MARRY THE PERSON YOU CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT’.
THIS IS OBVIOUSLY TRUE FOR MARK & CHERYL.

SO before I SIT DOWN TO HAVE A WELL EARNED DRINK
I'd just like to say that there are 2 people, who today, we have all taken into our hearts, who mean so much to us and without them this day would not have been the success that it has. Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast TO… [pause] the bar staff !

No, of course I'm only joking. MARK AND CHERYL … a nicer couple you couldn't hope to meet. So please raise your glasses for one final toast to the future happiness of
Mr and Mrs MARK CLARK – the bride and groom.