Speech by Paul Collins

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Collins
Speech Date: Aug2005
Good evening everybody, I hope you've enjoyed the day so far.
Before I begin, I've got a couple of announcements to make.
Firstly, I'd like to ask you all to join me in thanking the lovely bridesmaids, xxxx, xxxx, xxxx and xxxx for doing such a wonderful job today. I'm sure you'll all agree how lovely they all look.
Thanks also to the Ushers who have done their bit and should never go unnoticed.

Secondly the hotel manger has asked me to request that, for reasons of health and safety, none of you get up on the chairs and tables during my standing ovation at the end of this speech.

I would also like to thank everyone for being here today to share in this very special occasion. Personally I wish you'd all stayed at home so I didn't have to do this!!
As we have been eating our meal this afternoon, I have had time to look around the room at you all and have been struck by just how far people will travel for a free meal…
It is truly an honour to be given this opportunity today to stand before you all and present to you right now all the great highlights, major events, huge scandals and special secrets surrounding xxxx ……..(LONG PAUSE)……..…
Ladies and gentleman, you've been a great audience, the toast is the bride and groom

I can't emphasise this enough though, the amount of close friends both from his past and many that are here today, when asked for a funny yet suitable story about xxxx for my best man speech,…….… All I got was “nah sorry, nothing springs to mind, but I'll have a think”…… .… Well they're obviously still thinking now ……… and no not because xxxx was always in trouble with the police, or off with another woman, it's simply because the bloke has just done nothing……… except find a gorgeous wife!

Ok, seriously now though, before I begin my assassination of xxxx character, I would just like to say how stunning xxxx looks ….… xxxx, you have found a beautiful, caring, generous, loving wife. xxxx, you've found…..… well…… xxxx, I suppose.

There are a lot of happy smiling faces around today, but none as happy as these two people to my left. They say marriages are made in heaven – well, this one was made in Faliraki in Greece in the Q bar 6 years ago!!

xxxx was born on the 28th February 1977 in Sutton
He went to primary school at Benhilton and then on to Wallington County Grammar School – grammar school eh, who'd have thought it!!
I managed to speak to one of his old teachers there and asked him what he thought xxxx would be when he left. He said " .… about 25."

xxxx life has been pretty much smooth sailing, went to school till he was 16 – didn't get in any major trouble and similarly didn't get teachers raving about him. He then went to college for about 2 months and realised his lifestyle of lying in bed and watching TV just didn't co-incide with the tough demands of studying to become a lawyer so he left. It was at this point he couldn't stand Mum and Dads nagging anymore so he decided to get himself a temporary job just to get them off his back. He joined a well known company called legal and general in Kingswood and 11 years later and after a recent promotion to team leader, he's still there! He had a mother and father that did everything for him; he also had his close mates and girlfriends to drive him everywhere he needed to go until about the age of 27 when he thought it was probably time to start driving himself.
You must be starting to relate to this, he's just one of those guys who chose the lucky straw of life at an early age and things just land on a plate for him………….just like his wife!!
There he was in the infamous Faliraki, waiting outside the toilets of the already mentioned Q bar for young female he had arranged to meet when another girl called xxxx happened to bump into him …………… the rest they say is History!

When you do eventually get xxxx out of his bed or off the sofa he can actually be quite active. Even from a young age when he did Karate, to his Tuesday night badminton club at the local church hall (remember that one xxxx!) oh and of course there was the chess club, the cubs, the scouts and please lets not forget the Scottish country dancing he chose as an extra activity at school. Well it seemed the natural progression following on from the maypole dancing he had done at junior school.

Football has always been a massive part of xxxx life and one that I have shared very closely with him. All of you will know that since day 1, xxxx and I have been fanatical about our beloved football team, Manchester United. When a game is on, we always get together and our life stops for 90 minutes….… you're just all lucky we played yesterday cause otherwise this wedding would be a groom and best man short!!

xxxx has recently found a new love in his life?( other than xxxx of course) and that's his golf.
Remember that happy go lucky, untroubled, life lands on a silver platter type of guy I was describing to you earlier, well picture the scene:
It's hole 13 at the Burford Bridge golf course in Surrey, xxxx hits a cracking tee shot on the par 3 and arrives at the Green soon after to find his ball in the hole – Yep, after just 18 months of playing the game xxxx does something that Golf Players in this world who have been playing the game for 50 odd years have never done, the unbelievable Hole-In-One. Lucky git, I hear you say…… oh it doesn't end there! Now just so everyone is aware, the etiquette of golf is that the person who scores a hole in one, upon returning to the clubhouse, will get a round in for everyone there. xxxx, however, was playing on a Tuesday afternoon and there were about 3 people there in total. So until now xxxx got away with that but I am delighted to announce to you all that he will making up for it with a round of drinks for everyone later!!!!!

Golf was also the main theme behind a superb stag weekend we held for xxxx. For those who don't know, 13 of us went to the amazing city of Barcelona for 3 nights and I've prepared a short clip just to introduce the stag team to you.

(PLAY POWERPOINT CLIP)

As many of you will know xxxx has only in the last couple of years started driving. After 3 tests and 40 odd lessons he finally passed his test and that's only because the examiner couldn't bear to be in the car with him any longer!
Along the way to passing his test, when xxxx was out learning one day in the backstreets of leafy Hackbridge, I'm ashamed to say he took the life of a poor, defenceless, kitten. Pickles was barely a year old when xxxx put this kitten through the longest, slowest, most painful torture of a death when running it over at approximately 5mph.
The driving stories don't end their either. Since a young child xxxx had always wanted to be the driver going through a toll gate – you know that moment when you thrown the coins in the bucket, the barrier raises and in the back of your head your imagining the start of a formula 1 grand prix as you race the other cars off the blocks and scream down the motorway. Well as I said, this had been something xxxx had looked forward to for years. The moment finally came on the M6 shortly after passing his test.
There he was ready for his big moment, patiently waiting in line as he approached the barrier, winds down the window, revs his engine, takes a moment to look left and right and glare in his opponents eyes, wind blowing through his hair, the arm comes out the window – he winds up, he throws those coins…………….… And misses by a country mile!

Thankfully xxxx has a lot more co-ordination on the dance floor. With his dance-moves, the middle name of Leon, and the way in which he
“fashionably” wears his trousers down by his knees, you could be excused for thinking he was a black man in a white mans body.
He really does become the centre of attention on the dance floor and he has no-one but his father to thank for that one…………
I don't think you all appreciate just how lucky you all are to be able to witness tonight on the dance floor, the fabulous double act of xxxx.
I think on past experiences, as many here will vouch for…..… you'll have your work cut out keeping up with him xxxx ……… Just try and follow his lead, but stop at the point Dad starts taking his clothes off.

Talking of clothes, I'm actually impressed that xxxx followed my instructions to dress smartly today and put on a suit – not something that happens regularly, but even with all this effort, I am a bit disappointed that even on your big day you had to copy what xxxx, xxxx and I are wearing.

Another thing about xxxx, not so much recently, is that he was always a bit of a hypochondriac – there was always something wrong with him. It was either the 18 month bout of Glandular Fever or problems with his teeth – not to mention a string of colds, sniffs, sore throats, chest infections, injuries from football and just general complaints
SO, if you ever want to ruin his day, just tell him how healthy he looks!!

I really should mention some of xxxx good points though. Dan is intelligent, honest, caring, trusting and good look…look… (Look at Mum) "I'm really sorry Mum; I can't read your handwriting"

In true tradition, I have a couple of messages to read from certain people that for whatever reason couldn't be here today:

– To xxxx, I hope you are enjoying your big day, shame I couldn't be there enjoying some kite-kat but I'm watching over you from up above. No hard feelings and all is forgotten, Love Pickles the cat.

– To xxxx, hope you're having a wonderful and memorable day, I'm glad I didn't get in the way of what was obviously a perfect partnership; Love that toilet girl in Faliraki.

And finally a serious message, if I can just ask you to have a look at the screen again xxxx.

(PLAY CARLES CLIP)

In all Seriousness xxxx, (turn to xxxx, put down paper) what can I say mate, you're an absolute legend and I love ya. You're my brother and my best mate and you've been an inspiration to me and I will forever look up to you. I know I'm the younger brother but you've made me really proud today, thanks for asking to be your best man….It's been a real honour ….I hope I've done ok!!

So that is that, my time is done
Thank you all for sharing in this fun
My last duty, the bit we like most
Is to ask you to stand, as we all share a toast
(Wait for all to stand)
To joy and laughter, love and life
my brother xxxx and his stunning wife
Friends and family all around this room
Raise your glasses and toast, the bride and groom