Speech by Paul Cullen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Cullen
Speech Date: Mar 2002
I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for being here and sharing their special day.
Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my day less nerve wracking!

For those of you that have been best man before, you will have an idea of what it feels like up here, but for those of you who haven't, the best way to describe it is like being asked to snog the Queen Mother. It's a great honor but no one wants to do it.

I am only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat!..

If I go on to long, Donna said she'd cut it!

I also want to get back to the reason I am here today.
1. To have a good time.
2. Because I didn't have to pay to come in.

Before I forget, I must say how beautiful the bridesmaids are looking and thank Lisa and Emily for their help today. I also need to thank Elliott the pageboy for not picking his nose while the photos were being taken.
It has been a great day, thanks to everyone who has contributed to make this a wonderful and very emotional wedding, even the cake is in tears!

It would be fare to say there are four loves in Ian's life, Donna, football, beer and of course food! It isn't necessarily in that order, because Ian's idea of a balanced diet is a big mac in each hand.

Normally, at this point in the proceedings I would have to tell a story or two about Ian to humiliate him. Unfortunately most of the best ones are X-rated and are therefore unsuitable for a family wedding.

There are a few that will always stick in my mind like the good old school days. I used to see my brother at lunch times with his fifth year mates when I was in the first year. I always remember looking up to him and thinking how cool he was, but that only lasted a short while. Every time him and his mates saw me they would grab me by the ankles and put me in the bin head first.
This was just the start of things to come.

As he got older he was encouraged by our dear uncle. I don't know whether it was them two killing themselves laughing or the fact that I couldn't breathe that woke me up. I open my eyes to see Ian holding my nose while my uncle spooned cat food into my mouth.

After all these years of suffering at the hands of my brother I had the perfect opportunity to get my revenge on his stag night. As you can see, I kept my promise to Donna, Ian still has his eyebrows because Donna didn't want him posing for photos with stick on ones! Although, I am surprised that Ian's eyebrows have grown back considering the number of times they have been shaved off whilst he was slightly intoxicated!

As time went on he started causing other people grief, especially mum. As soon as he was old enough he did a crash course and passed his driving test first time. Unfortunately for mum, he could never let go of the word crash and has written off most of the cars that mum has ever owned!

Roger, you might want to remember that if you ever let Ian drive your car.

He felt quite guilty about leaving mum without a car so he got a bank loan and bought her a new one. Most people would think this was quite sweet and thoughtful considering he was still in his teens. What a lot of people don't know is that out of the one thousand pounds he borrowed from the bank, the car was £50 and he spent the other £950 on cheeseburgers from mac donalds.

MANWELL!!! (manwell the hired entertainer walks in with a stack of cheesburgers and presents it to the groom!)

So there's no need to wonder why Donna's pet name for him is fats!

I could go on all night with stories about Ian but the sooner I finish the sooner the bar opens.

Just a quick message from the lads at football, they have found Ian to be useless in every position, hope Donna has more luck!

There is one request from mum. There are a few of Ian's X's here today and now that he is married to Donna, she would like her door keys back.
So, if you could bring them forward she would be very grateful. (every women in the place brings a key to the front but his best mate Jason brings the last key!!)

(Well, I don't know what he has told you Donna, but as you can see, Ian has been unlucky in his love life!)

I would like to finish on a serious note now and thank Ian, not only for being there as my brother but also my best friend.
And finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Ian and Donna because I feel they were made for each other.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the bride and Groom's future happiness.

Ian and Donna.