Speech by Paul Davis
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Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Davis
Speech Date: Jun2007
Ladies and Gentlemen, Young Ladies & Young Gentlemen, Waifs, Strays & any Gatecrashers that have managed to get in:
You will be delighted to know, I am sure, that I'm only going to speak for a few minutes because of my throat………
if I go on too long C has threatened to cut it.
For those that don't know me I am Steve's brother, Paul. It might surprise you to also know that Steve is 2 years OLDER than me,
but don't be misled by his hair colour – he insists it doesn't come out of a bottle but..… mmm!!
I have noticed over the past couple of years or so, coincidentally since he & Barbara have been together, some grey ones have started to show through – I MUST conclude from this that it's either the affect of Barbara on him or the bloody bottle is empty & he's too tight to buy another one!!
My wife Carol probably also contributes to this because whenever she & Barbara get together the glasses of red wine do become large ones, much to Steve's despair.
Not that I'm implying Steve is tight or anything..… but just ask his old regulars at The B S how many drinks he ever bought them!!!
Anyway, I would like to start my speech by again thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for being here and sharing their special day.
I have to say this has been a truly magnificent wedding and Steve and Barbara should be congratulated for all the hard work involved in organising such a wonderful occasion.
Best of all of course, it's not very often any of us get a free dinner, and with wine, from Steve, so make the most of it!!
Incidentally I'm not sure if everybody saw the front page of last weekend's Sunday Sun newspaper. I just happen to have a framed copy here. For those that don't get this paper I'll read it out………………………………….… front page of mock up paper read
Quite a celebrity occasion, which reminds me
As is often the case, Steve & Barbara were having difficulty with the seating arrangements for today. Being a noble sort, Steve offered to relieve Barbara of the burden and come up with the solution. He devised a simple arrangement, whereby, the higher the value of the wedding present, the nearer you sit to the top-table. So I do hope you at the back could hear when he was thanking you for paying for the teaspoons.
I'd also like to congratulate Steve on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.
According to protocol, my first speech duty is to ensure certain people are thanked for their part in the wedding day.
I'd like to start with those in the wedding party, who quite frankly have had it fairly easy today.
All they really had to do was stand around pouting, looking pretty and chatting up the male guests. It is worth saying that they have, I think, spent a lot of time on their hair, make-up and outfits… and without them, the day just wouldn't have been complete.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you …….… the Ushers, W & S.
At the same time, on behalf of Barbara's lovely Bridesmaids, V, E, L, K, C & A, I would like to thank Steve for his very kind words and gifts.
I would also like to add my thanks to the staff at ‘T B’ for their hospitality today and for, I'm sure you'll agree, an excellent meal.
So it now gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without them the occasion today would not be the same,
Would you please raise your glasses to toast.
The wine waiters and the bar staff!!
I really have been trying to seriously consider my duty as speechmaker. Do I stand up, say what a wonderful couple they'll be, raise a couple of glasses and sit down again?
I think Barbara would say yes……… but I can't bring myself to do that.
At this stage a few words for Barbara: RELAX, TRUST ME
So, thank yous aside, it seems as best man I have been blessed with the unpopular task of presenting a speech for most, but not all, of us to remember, but you know, a wise man once told me that a best mans speech should only last as long as the groom takes to make love…………, sorry Steve, what can I say ….thank you and goodnight…………sit down for at least 5 secs
But then another wise man said the best man's speech should take as long as it takes him to do his manly duties..… well we don't have all night so I will try to be brief!!
I felt very privileged when Steve asked me to be his Best Man and give a speech, as in some ways its very much like being asked to make love to the Queen…….it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
Well I'm different – I've actually been looking forward to it …….… But sadly she's up in Balmoral this weekend, so I'm here instead.
I have actually been a best man once before, quite some time ago it was, I can't remember exactly when or for who, can you Steve?
I have every confidence this will be my last time,…………..… especially after this speech!!
Anyway, I agreed to be Steve's Best Man, and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duties as Best Man, to get Steve here, have definitely been successful.
He was SOBER, which I have to say is not that unusual & as long as I hid the Famous Grouse bottle I knew this would not be a problem.
I bet Jason had fun keeping Barbara steady without a large glass of wine!
He was SMART, which again I knew would not be a problem. However I did have a spare bottle of Grecian 2000 handy just in case,
and last but very definitely not the least,
He was actually ON TIME, well as I am sure most people know that must be a first
I know all this may sound like I'm congratulating myself but if you know Steve you can appreciate how difficult it is to get him to be anywhere on time.
It is well known that I CAN talk and I couldn't help but notice that there is a bet on about the overall length of our speeches up here today.
Well, just to let you know, I've backed myself at 2 hours 26 minutes and with S & J only taking 17 minutes, I must apologise in advance, please make yourself comfortable, I will be speaking very slowly.
I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called Steve and Barbara ….so it was back to the drawing board after all.
As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points.
Well, I'm very sorry but I definitely CAN'T SING, and I certainly WON'T LIE, well not on this occasion anyway!
When I first met Barbara my impression was of a witty, quite clever and thoughtful person. But I have to say she's recently ruined this by agreeing to marry Steve.
Barbara does definitely deserve a good husband, but fortunately for him, Steve has married her before she found one!
In Chinese Year terms how a tiger Steve gets along with a dragon Barbara time will tell!!
I know Steve has been taking the wedding ceremony very seriously and trying to understand what marriage is about. I know he has been pondering why Barbara so much wanted to get married in a white or cream dress today. I heard Steve ask Jason who carefully explained that white is a symbol of the virgin bride walking down the isle. I could see Steve was a little unsure about this, and took to asking his Dad, who without hesitation, replied, Son it's simple, all domestic appliances come in white.
Steve did say to me the other day he ideally wants this to be a model wedding he wants to be a model husband he wants to be a model citizen but he especially wants to be a model lover.
As my daughters know I do have this thing about the repeated use of words, so I decided to look up the definition of the word model in the dictionary. It said, & I quote:
‘a small miniature replica of the real thing’ – sorry Steve but maybe one of your ideals won't come true!!
Now As best man I””m told that I have to offer a small piece of advice to Steve.
He'll be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be easily compared to the advice he used to give to his players when he was a football manager.
First No 1 Ensure you are fully committed every week
Second No 2 Make sure you score every Saturday
No 3 Make sure you change ends at half time
No 4 Don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself, and last,
No 5.No tackling from behind….especially on your wedding night.
Steve also spoke to me before the wedding asking me to pass on this advice to you Barbara to make your married life work.
To ALL It is basically some simple rules for Barbara to follow
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up don't whinge about it, just put it down.
2. Shopping is not a sport.
3. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
4. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. I'm bound to miss sometimes.
5. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
6. A headache that lasts for 17 months IS a problem. See a doctor. Now..
7. Don't fake it. I'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
8. The male models with the great bodies you see on t.v. and in magazines? they're all gay. Accept it.
9. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
However Steve, just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in church and you're married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!
Now to give Steve a few uncomfortable minutes of his life:
Steve was best man to me at my wedding nearly 33 years ago. In all honesty I can't really remember what he said but it's payback time just in case!!
So, starting from the beginning, Steve was born on XX XXX 19XX. I did try to link this with some big world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day, or even that year, clearly Steve's birth was enough for one year. Incidentally mum tells me he did arrive a day late, certainly not unusual for him. He is very vain so was probably still doing his hair or something & wouldn't pop out until he had. I also checked to see which celebrity was born on the same day but again drew a blank.
I did dig out that in 19XX:
The first credit card, The Diners Club, for multiple shops was introduced
The first colour TV programme was broadcast in the USA
& the Post War baby boom dramatically increased.
This was in 19XX – wow what a long time ago!
Incidentally the year Barbara was born there were quite a few World Events:
Dwight D'Eisenhower was elected president of the USA
George V1 died
Coronation of Queen Elizabeth 11
A military coup in Egypt
Winston Churchill announced Britain had an atomic bomb
& the most important of all: I was born
Thought you would want to know these things!!
I thought I'd ask Mum if I could borrow some embarrassing pictures that she might have of Steve she offered me one where he is lying spread out naked on a changing mat
but I'm sorry bruv, no company in the world could enlarge it enough for us to see anything of real consequence.
I searched out some of Steve's old school reports the other week. One said ‘Stephen was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects.
Sorry I've misread that: I should have said Stephen was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects!!
Steve was very definitely a late developer, I just hope Barbara is fully satisfied he is fully developed now.
As a brother Steve did at times need some help & support from me through his teenage years.
Like the time he persuaded me to play football for a team the other side of P. We biked about 5 or 6 miles there only to be beaten 26 nil. Anyway on the way back he really kept annoying me with the same questions: who did we play, how did we get on, what was the score, which way do we get home, over & over & over again. I really don't know how I kept my temper.
Anyway when we got home it all became clear, Mum & Dad had to rush him up to A & E at P hospital – he had acute concussion!! Well at least I got him home!
Another time, Steve was about 14 & I was 12, we were in the village chip shop, just after leaving the local youth club. A lad about Steve's age was taking the verbal mickey about Steve's smart new jacket. I decided to retaliate on Steve's behalf. Unfortunately the lad wasn't impressed & decided to whack me. It wouldn't have been so bad but he did it while still scoffing his fish & chips!!
Then as Steve was in his late teens almost every weekend when Mum & Dad went out he would arrange a party. My role was to direct this stream of young ladies to our house & then keep out the way. True support to my big brother you must admit.
That's probably enough of this.
I have a few messages to read out:
The first is from his old players at Y football club.
Congratulations on this very special day. We are sure you are looking forward to your first night together as man and wife and so have this special message for you.
We found Steve was useless in every position, so Barbara, we hope you have more luck!!!!
2.To Steve & Barbara
Best wishes from Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.
3. From: The Management at the R Hotel, M
Dear Steve & Barbara
Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.
4.To Steve
Our loyal and much valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
By the way will you be renewing your subscription?
From: Playboy Magazine.
I have looked far and wide for examples of good advice for the happy couple, and in my search came across a book called “The Good Wife Guide”.
I did look for the male equivalent but was told there was no such thing!!!
I shall read a couple of extracts from this 1960’s production and I'm sure you will agree that taking heed of such a guide will stand the happy couple in good stead for the future!!!!!!: & in my experience these do work!!
So for Barbara:
“When your husband comes in from working outside, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Make the evening his!!!!!”
“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”
“Once you have both retired to the bed room, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the up most importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train!!!!”
“Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night!!!!!”
“When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your implied commitment, whether you said it or not, to obey him. It is likely that your husband will then fall asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face and hair products”!!!!
I'm sure that at least 50% of us here would agree with this sound advice!!!
Before I finish I'd like to ask Steve & Barbara to participate in my speech now.
Barbara if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table…
Right Steve, if you would like place your hand directly on top of Barbara” s.
Enjoying that Steve?
Make the most of it mate, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.
And finally remember, Barbara, Men are like fine wine.… They start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand Steve, women are also like a fine wine….They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
Before I finish, I would like to give Steve some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.
Turn and look at Steve>
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything Barbara says!
Secondly, never be afraid that Barbara will leave you – she's spent time training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly!
Thirdly, whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it
…
Fourth, whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”
As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married
Last, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”
Steve is very lucky to have gained such a caring, loving wife as Barbara who drinks plenty but certainly enjoys life.
Barbara how lucky you are as well pause you leave today having gained pause a lovely dress & a beautiful bouquet!!
On a serious note for a moment…
We all hope the happy couple have a wonderful time on their honeymoon in North Wales, at least that's where I think Steve said they were going, he just said to me he was going to Bangor for a fortnight.
C & I look forward to being a part of your lives and having you both as a part of ours for many, many years to come.
To all On behalf of the entire wedding party I would like to thank you all for coming to share in this wonderful occasion.
It gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the Bride & Groom.
To S & B I am sure you are going to be extremely happy together and I speak for everybody here when I say we wish you both the very best for your future life together.
Ladies and Gentleman, the new Mr and Mrs D – Steve & Barbara
TOAST
Thank you very much and enjoy the rest of the day.
