Speech by Paul Dunn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Dunn
Speech Date: 200208
Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Charlie for his kind
and well rehearsed words. That wasn't the first time today that Charlie¹s
got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in his hand.

Right… Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, I am the Best Man and for
those who don't know me, my name is Paul; Obviously I¹d rather you use my
full name which is ³Paul, d¹fancy a pint?²

I must say it has been a marvelous, marvelous day so far and so emotional,
even the cake is in tiers!

Now a wise man once told me that a best man¹s speech should last only as
long as it takes the groom to make loveSSSthank you ladies & gentlemen
– & good afternoon (Sit Down) (wait a second & then continue)

FORNICATIONS.Sorry SFOR AN OCCASION such as this it is traditional for the
Best Man to drag up dirt on the groom, to tell tales of debauchery and
misguided deeds, to shock and upset the bride's parents and make them wonder
quite why they are letting their daughter marry this creature.
Problem is, Charlie isnt really that sort of bloke. Even the "Stag do" was a
remarkably cultured affair: -a few beers in the baking Amsterdam sunshine, a
wonderfully civilised Thai meal, followed by a few cups of coffee and, after
taking in a quick film, a nice trip to the theatre. The whole evening
tastefully wound down with a late evening stroll along the banks of the
Canals! There was a stopwatch involved but thats for another occassion!

Anyway, Last February Charlie gave me a bell on my mobile and announced the
news that we were all expecting, that Pinky and Perky were getting married
and the biggest excuse for a party was now in motion. And in the ensuing
excitement he dropped the bombshell that I was to be his best man and that I
had to give a speech.

Since then I¹ve had many a sleepless afternoon at work trying to sus out how
best to do justice to two of my best friends. And to do so in front of all
of our favourite drunks as well.

Anyhow, as is my duty, I have managed to get Charlie here today looking very
smart, which is not unusual, he is also relatively sober, which is a
stunning achievement, and also on-time – so I think a mexican wave is in
order (kick start mexican wave).

You see Charlie works to a very different clock than the rest of mankind.
He's the only man I know to take 2 hours putting his shoes on. I mean… Why
put off till tomorrow what you can put off till the day after.

So where to start? Well, Charlie was born on the 9th December 1972 and was
about the size of a small baby (picture of charlie in bath) and has since
got older on a year by year basis. (picture of charlie aged 2) I first
became aware of Charlies existence some 24 years ago. He was a quiet
unassuming lad with not that much to catch the attention except for the hair
and the nose. (Charlie 6yr old school Picture)

He followed me from school to school, right the way through until when he
was about 15 he started setting fire to almost anything, The list of
Charlie¹s arson attempts include not only a 20ft square stone patio but a
full weekly delivery of 200 Wolverhampton Chronicles, which needless to say
didn¹t get delivered as he was paid to do.

Always one to shy clear of work it was no surprise to anyone that upon
completing his university degree Charlie lauched himself upon a determined
and exhausting year … lying in bed all day, sponging off the state, whilst
the rest of us paid his way.

It was a relief therefore to see him finally earning a few needed beer
tokens by pushing trolleys around at Sainsbury's.

His time working at Sainsbury¹s was a glowing return to his beloved sales
counter trade after being unceremoniously sacked by Mancroft Stores some 5
years earlier, for nicking fags and booze. Sorry Clive and Jenifer I hate to
break it to you but I thought he would have told you both by now.

Anyhow the days of trolley pushing have since given way to a settled career
working for Beatties.

I thought it would only be fair to hear what some of the people who see him
every day had to say about him, so I spoke to a couple of Charlie's
colleagues at Beatties and they told me that, "Working with Mark was like
working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than though and on the
rare times he does actually get any work done, it's a bloody miracle."

It has been during the last 6 or 7 years that I¹ve come to realise how much
Charlie and I share in common. Starting with the obvious, theres the
impending highs and lows of being a Wolves fan.

I am honoured to have been at his side after the Play-off semi-final defeat
against Crystal Palace in 1998, when he cried like a girl. I did fill up a
bit myself though, I must admit.

Our love of Wolves is indeed shared by a fair percentage of people here
today. Except, of course, for the Brides mother. Now no offence Val but..
Mate Your mother-in-law is a baggies fan. You are marrying into the Stripey
side.

Another of our common interests is of course cars.

So great was Charlie¹s love of cars that he amassed a great number of car
registration numbers that he jotted down from the vantage point of his
bedroom window as a child.

This collection was nearly big enough to match his collection of VW, BMW and
Ford Ghia badges, a bagful in fact, that he nicked straight from the motors
of any unsuspecting neighbour.

And for a man who loves cars as much as Charlie does, it seems strange to
recollect the rolling disaster that was his Ford Fiesta Popular. Hi first
attempt at fitting a car stereo has only been surpassed … by all his
subsequent attempts.

On one memorable occassion when his clutch cable accidentally broke through
the bulkhead, I was called upon to tow him out of trouble around the back
streets of Whitmore Reans. The fact that he didn¹t turn the ignition on and
therefore the brakes didn¹t work, completely baffled him. The look on his
face in my rear view mirror as he came pleasantly careering towards the back
of my car was priceless.

Like many of our peers here today, Charlie has an inate love of dancing and
he can dance to absolutely anything. He always dances the same way… like a
monkey with a double jointed elbow… but he dances none the less… (ahhh
Charlie – to Debs) I¹m sure you¹ll all get an idea of what I mean later on
this evening.

I remember vividly the pair of us getting down and grooving to the pumping
rhythms of a petrol driven generator in a tent at V97 for instance.

Amongst the many other loves of his life are his sunglasses.. as can be seen
by these two photos. (One normal shot of Charlie, other of a dogs arse with
sunglasses over tail)

And so we come to Charlie¹s love-life, I would at this juncture like to
mention all the one-night stands that have passed through Charlie¹s bed, but
due to the Foot and Mouth Outbreak, most of them have been culled!

Mate I¹ve just called you a sheep shagger!

Seriously though, it won¹t have passed anybody who knows him by, that he is
a serial monogamist. Never has one man loved so few women for so long.

Last but not least is one of his favourite loves. You see… It¹s no
coincidence to Charlie that there are 24 hours in a day and 24 cans in a
crate of cooking lager.

Together we have enjoyed our fair share of innebriation, usually to
celebrate nothing more than the setting of the sun. But celebrate it we
must! The tales I¹d like to tell on this subject, I… er… just can¹t
remember, so I won¹t bother.

Anyway it was during one of Charlies drunken weekends away in Leeds, over
three years ago, that the wonderful Debs finally got her hands on him. Since
that day Debs and Humphrey…sorry…Debs and Charlie have been virtually
inseparable.

Then in Cyprus in February this year, Charlie bent down to tie his
shoelaces, Debs jumped to conclusions and…well …here we are today.

In all fact, I know Charlie is absolutely over the moon that Debs agreed to
be his bride… This was the picture taken shortly afterwards… (debs
looking pissed off, charlie laughing his head off)

So in the time honoured tradition of the best man¹s speech, I have a few
cards to read out…

And finally – however much effort I¹ve had to put into destroying Charlie¹s
character today, I need not say what a generous, trusting, witty, honest,
likeable, hardworking chap he really is.

Seriously though, I have known Debs for almost 12 years now and Charlie, you
couldn¹t be welding yourself to a more uniquely gorgeous, honest, stunningly
funny, dancing gambling drinking football loving diva. I am truely truely
jealous.

You both have an absolute adventure spreading itself out in front of you and
I¹d like to ad, and it chokes me to think, that we¹re all gonna be
witnessing one of the greatest love stories Wolverhampton has ever seen
played out before our very eyes.

The strength of this relationship became clearly apparent when Charlie
muttered those now immortal words to Debs on the back row of The John
Ireland Stand… ³Debs I love you more than Football².

(To C&D) And so like everybody here I wish you both all the happiness in the
world because you¹ve worked hard for it and you both definitely deserve it.
You have both set a standard of happiness that we can all aspire to, I know
that I do.

So now, as a man who will drink to absolutely anything, I¹d be very grateful
if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in
a toast to the happiest of couples.

Ladies and Gentlemen the Bride and Groom.