Speech by Paul Ebbatson and Paul Truscott
We have included third party products to help you navigate and enjoy life’s biggest moments. Purchases made through links on this page may earn us a commission.
Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Ebbatson and Paul Truscott
Speech Date: Sep 2009
Paul T Well Gary, I hope you made the most of your speech, now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!
Paul E Before we undertake the customary duty of giving Gary an uncomfortable few minutes, we'd like to thank him on behalf of the bridesmaids – Nicola, Samantha and Hannah, and the Paige Boy, Ben – for his kind words and for having them play a part in this very special day.
We must say they all look wonderful today and did a excellent job and also completed their main task splendidly, which was getting Karen to the church on time….no mean feat, as we hear she put up quite a struggle.
PT However they are only outshone by Karen herself, who, I'm sure you'll all agree, looks absolutely stunning.
PE In fact, you could say Karen looks one in a million …as opposed to Gary…….who looks like he was won in a raffle.
Also, a big thank you to our usher, Martin, for carrying out the really difficult task of telling people where to sit in church, a job well done I'm sure you'll all agree.
PT And a final thank you on behalf of Gary & Karen, to everyone of you, for being here and sharing their special day, particularly those who've travelled long distances, we know Gary & Karen really do appreciate it.
PE Good afternoon ladies, Gentlemen, boys and girls, we are Gary's Best Men today, and for those of you who don't know us, I'm Paul, Gary's brother-in-law…
PT and my name is Paul-what-would-you-like-to-drink, so please come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my full name.
PE For those of you that do know us..… well, we appologise!
It's an honour to be Gary's best men, but in all honesty, we were a little nervous about doing this, so thought it would be a good idea to prepare a few lines.
PT And we must say, having snorted them, we do feel much better for it
As you can see there are two Best Men. So why does it take two of us to describe the Groom?
PEWell, as the man in Moss Bros said to Gary, ”There's a lot to fit in”.
PT A wise man once said, a best man's speech should last as long as it takes the Groom to make love. So with that in mind, thank you, you've been a wonderful audience [sit]
[get back up]
PE As best men and in time honoured tradition, we will now do our best to give Gary the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life..… just for the record, the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of Karen's life will be coming later on tonight.… courtesy of Gary.
PT From what we've heard, Steve, Karens dad, seemed quite pleased when Gary asked if he could marry his daughter, but he didn't say yes right away though. He asked Gary to leave his name and phone number and said he'd give him a call if nothing better turned up.
Unfortunatley for Karen, nothing did, but I'm sure you'll all agree, they make a wonderful couple and we all hope you have many happy years ahead of you as husband and wife.
PE It's a miracle we're actually all here today though, when Gary & Karen first met, which, incase you didn't know, was on a blind date, set up by Wendy, sat over there, who works with Karen. 6 of us went bowling, and after a couple of hours, I don't think they'd said a word to each other, other than hello. But there must have been a spark as Gary gave Karen a call a few days later to go out for a drink, so as we're all here today, I can only presume they didn't sit in silence all night and finally got round to speaking to each other.
PT I think it's now time to give you all a run down on the guy who has tied the knot today.
for those who already know him…..well……you have our sympathy.
PE Ladies and Gentlemen, every now and then we have the opportunity to talk about a man of the highest integrity and honor – a man of achievement and action, with penetrating intellect and who is obviously destined for better things In life……………Not today though, because this speech is about Gary.
PT Gary was born on the 8th February 1977, apparently, he came prematurely…..nothing new there then Karen.
We tried to link Gary's birth day to a major world event, but unfortunately, nothing of any real importance happened that day, although the staff at Frimley Park Hospital still refer to it as ””Ugly Tuesday””.
PE He was born just 24 hours after a whole host of famous and interesting people – stars such as Bowie and Elvis, and the modern day Einstein, Stephen Hawking – all of whom share a birthday on February 7th. So the 7th must have been a very busy and ambitious day in God's calendar, and very draining on his human talent pool – which explains a lot about young Gary here.
PT A short time later, Gary started school and mistilly recalled that, as with everything else in life, he excelled. Well, that got us thinking, why not look and see if we could find any evidence of this, and after a bit of digging, we managed to find one of his old school reports.
PE We read them and were actually quite surprised, it said ”Gary is an ideal pupil who excels in most subjects”
PT Paul, you really should get your eys tested……..it actually says Gary is an idol pupil who's been expelled from most subjects!!
PE Other comments from his teachers read..…
Although Gary try's hard, since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and started to dig.
PT I am convinced Gary should go far, and the sooner he goes, the better.
PE Despite his enthusiasm, I have formed the opinion that if brains were taxed, Gary is due a rebate.
On leaving school, Gary's first job was stacking shelves in Tesco, he then worked at Heathrow in Passenger Services, after which he became a TV salesman, then a Computers showroom manager before finally settling on a career as a telecoms engineer.
PT I live in Sweden and while I am here in England, I had a chance to speak to Gary's current boss. I asked him if he would like to comment on Gary the employee. He was quick to tell me Gary is known as ”God” at work. Knowing Gary as I do, this surprised me, until he explained the nickname:
Firstly, they never see him, Secondly, he makes his own rules and thirdly, if he does do any work, it's a bloody miracle!
PE At this point in our speech, we would have liked to have told you all about the stag weekend in Bournemouth. We wanted to tell you how drunk Gary got, the trouble he caused, and even about the nightclubs he was thrown out of, but the law of the stag doesn't permit us to tell you..…
PT But, having said that, I received a parcel from the hotel last week with a note saying ”Mr Storr in room 6 had left these behind! [Produce size 40”” Knickers], so I don't know what you got up to, but looking at these, I'm not sure I want to know.
PE As we come to the end of our speech it is tradition to give some advice to the newly weds, so firstly..…
Karen, many men have a hard time adjusting to married life so we thought perhaps you would like to do what my wife did to help me adjust"
[hand Karen a rolling pin]
PT And Gary, we haven't forgotten about you…..[Present a pair of shorts to Gary] We thought these would be an appropriate gift for you Gary given that you are now officially a husband and no longer get to wear the trousers in the relationship.
PE Now you may not believe it, but I am actually a few years older than Gary, and I know he looks upon me as the older brother he never had…..… and I in turn look upon Gary as the younger brother I never wanted. So as a ”brother” the one piece of advice I can give you Gary is the same advice my dad gave me many years ago..
When I was 18, he said, always carry a condom with you, just incase you get lucky on a friday night. When I was 21 he told me to carry 3, 1 for Friday, 1 for Saturday & 1 for Sunday.
I'd like to pass this advice onto you Gary, and now your a married man, here's a pack of 12…
[hand over box of condoms]
1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March..etc
PT Seriously speaking in all the years we've known Gary he's been one of the best friends anyone could ask for. He's got a great sense of humour, he's loyalty knows no bounds and he's always there for a friend in need. He's an exceptionally lucky man to be marrying Karen today.
Looking beautiful today as she always does, I know that they're going to have a bright and full future ahead of them in the years and years to come.
PE So from Paul and I… Congratulations on the termination of your isolation.
PT And may we express our appreciation of your determination to end the desperation
PE And frustration that has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make this unification
PT And hopefully bring an accumulation to the population. So as we end our toast to this occasion,
PE And wrap up our salutation
PT We raise our glasses to this combination, and bid good luck to the consummation!
So with that, all we have left to do is to say what an honour it has been to be Gary's Best Men today, and to ask everyone to charge their glasses, and……for those of you who still can!…..to rise to your feet.
PE HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER, AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
PT AS Gary & Karen START THEIR NEW LIFE, PLEASE TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE.
[BOTH] To the new Mr and Mrs Storr…..Gary & Karen
PE One last thing… there seems to be some confusion over where Gary & Karen are going on Honeymoon.
I thought they were going to Sri Lanka and the Maldives, but after speaking to Gary earlier, I'm a bit confused, I now think they are going to North Wales.…
well, at least that's what I think Gary meant when he said he's going to Bangor for a week.
PT Thank you very much and please enjoy the rest of the day.
