Speech by Paul Evans

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Evans
Speech Date: aug2002
Best Man Speech – Final

Good afternoon everyone! To make it easier on me (and defenitely you), this speech is going to be interactive. There will be points in it where you are all expected to join in. But don't worry there are cue cards which will tell you what to do..…

(show cue cards)

Apparently size is important – and none more so than the time taken to give a speech. So I'll be trying to keep this as short as I can, so at least if you don't find it funny, you'll congratulate me on what a good length it was!

I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a best man at a wedding before, but I wonder how many of you have ever received written guidelines from the bride-to-be?!!!!

I would like to read you an e-mail that Lindsay sent me prior to the wedding.

(produce e-mail)

PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL E-MAIL

Paul,

I was very pleased when Richard asked you to be best man at our wedding. I
instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known you for some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent, better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfill this crucial role on our big day.

As we get close to the wedding, most tasks have been taken care of but there are two areas that do cause me a little concern………….your speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at Rich, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all
have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Richard sing
DO NOT mention Richard's little problem
DO NOT let Richard drink Babycham
DO NOT let Richard drink Bacardi Breezer's
DO NOT let Richard drink

Finally,

Make sure you keep your clothes on, and make sure Richard keeps his clothes on too.

Love
Lindsay
x

Now, while I cannot promise to keep to each these demands, I have tried to take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed. I would like to share with you a couple of my duties that I've been involved with..…
Firstly, comes the potentially delicate duty of keeping Richard's ex-girlfriends out of the way today. Thankfully, this has been made a lot easier for two reasons:

quite frankly, there aren't that many

and

the foot and mouth outbreaks in The New Forest last year, pretty much wiped out the remaining unfortunate few

It was also my job to ensure Richard made it to the church on time, sober, and looking good. Well, 2 out of 3 isn't bad, I guess – I'm no plastic surgeon!

Tradition has it that the best mans speech is designed to perform a complete character assassination, and embarrass and humiliate the groom. But as Rich does this so well himself on a regular basis, I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you all what a kind, caring and thoughtful man he is. After weeks of trying, I'd only got as far as “Richard is a kind, caring and thoughtful man”, so I've reverted back to plan A..…

Richard was born on the 30 July 1975, and was about the size of a small baby. Who would have guessed that he would have grown to 6ft 5 inches in height – not that I'm bitter or anything. It's easy to see which one of us was destined to play basketball, and which was going to play tiddly-winks for a living.

It's a little known fact that Richard was nearly christened Thursday. When he was
born and presented to his father, Richard Snr. looked at him and said to Stephanie "I think we'd better call it a day!"

School and education has been a major influence over Richards life to-date, and this is an opportune moment to read a telegram sent by one of Richard's old teachers from college..…

Many of you may also know, Rich is Southampton's oldest living student. For a time we thought that he would never be able to give up the daily calling of Kilroy, Richard & Judy, and Tricia – the legends of daytime TV. But it is with great pride that I can announce that he will soon be giving all this up to get a proper job – although this will be as Uni. lecturer!

Even more significant is the fact that Rich and Linds met for the first time at college (back when Rich was taking his A-levels for the second time)! The story goes that Lindsay asked Richard if she could borrow 10p to make a phone call, and Rich happily obliged, handing over 20p. This was accompanied with the immortal line which I have not heard him repeat to anyone else in the 17 years I have known him – “Keep the change!”

Seven years on, Rich & Linds are blissfully happy, living together in their Southampton flat. But I was curious to learn that at home, Richard is referred to as ‘God’ by Lindsay. Knowing Rich as I do, this surprised me, until she explained that his nickname arises because:

you never see him do anything
he makes his own rules
and if he ever ever did any work, it would be a miracle!

As with most twenty-somethings, we've always been social – going out with mates, having a laugh, a few drinks and ending up clubbing it. Rich was good at the drinking part – his catchphrase being ‘WHOSE ROUND IS IT’ or ‘GET TO THE BAR’!

And as for the dancing. Well, rarely has anyone hit the dancefloor with such little regard for style or rhythm. He doesn't so much dance, as jog. Indeed it has been estimated that during a 12" remix he can cover up to 3 1/2 miles.

On a more sincere note, he has many, many good qualities too. Rich has been like an older (and slightly uglier) brother to me. He's also one of the funniest blokes that I've ever known, and one of life's good people. He's basically one of those annoying guys that everyone seems to like…..and deservingly so.

I understand that It is customary for the best man to dispence with some learned advice for the happy couple. I am fortunate enough to work in the drinks industry, and it is here that I have found some pearls of wisdom…

For Lindsay, I have the following – men are like a fine wine – they start out like grapes, and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with!

On the other hand, Richard – women are also like a fine wine – they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then they turn full-bodied, until they go vinegary, and give you a headache!

You'll all be pleased to hear this speech is coming to a close. Obviously my toast is going to focus on the most important people here today. The people we all feel a great love for, and without whom today wouldn't be possible.

At some stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our
thoughts from this special day, and giving them our love and best wishes. Therefore, I would like you all to join me in a toast:

"To the bar staff!"

Seriously though, I would like to take this opportunity to thank Richard for asking me to be his best man…..and thank him for his friendship over the years that we have known each other. He's getting everything he deserves with Lindsay – a beautiful, kind, and loving partner.

So we come to the real deal. On behalf of the very beautiful Bridesmaid, and the equally beautiful Ushers, I'd like to propose one final toast…

Can you stand, and join with me in wishing the new Mr & Mrs Elliott, many years of happiness together..…

Ladies & gentlemen – Richard & Lindsay, the Bride & Groom!