Speech by Paul Fisher

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Fisher
Speech Date: Aug2007
Ladies &amp Gentleman, for those of you who don't know, my name is Paul and I am truly honoured to be Mark's best man for today – can I welcome you all here today and on behalf of Mork &amp Mindy, sorry Mark &amp Mandy, thank you all for joining in the celebration of their marriage and being part of such a memorable day. I've tried to keep my speech as short as possible because if I'm not very funny, at least you can all enjoy my length – sorry, I mean the length of this speech

Can I start by responding on behalf of the bridesmaids for Mark's kind words – can I add that I too think that all of the bridesmaids look fantastic – some of you may have noticed one of them trying her best to walk, falling over &amp bumping into various things 1 YEAR OLD BRIDESMAID, bless her – well, apart from that, I think you're doing a great job Claire CHIEF BRIDESMAID – 31 YEARS OLD!!

I thought it was going to be tough to follow Mark's speech and I was right, I couldn't understand a bloody word of it, but never mind

Mark, don't be too nervous mate, I am as keen to get to the bar as you are. When the lads found out I was Mark's best man, they all commented that you were a dream assignment for a best man! That's so true, I could shovel more dirt than a Taliban Cave Digger about Mark but as I would implicate myself in most of them, I have to be choosy which ones I tell!

I didn't know Mark at school, I was much luckier than that, but by a quirk of fate he actually went to school with my wife Tracy who interestingly he called ‘wifey’ at school –how things could have been different – I have asked Tracy a few times about this and she insists they never did……

I'll never forget the time I really got to know Mark, or Bibs as we all know him, about 12 years ago, even though I have tried really hard to. I had one of my rare Monday's off of work, can't remember if it was a football injury or due to over-indulging after football, and was going to meet our mutual friend Dave for a drink. During the day Bibs joined us together with his then girlfriend, who incidentally was called Mandy – certainly makes things easier at the more ‘intimate’ times doesn't it Bibs

I can't quite remember how but following several beers during the sunny afternoon, me &amp Bibs ended up on the kids bouncy castle – jumping around in our pants. Hence, our male bonding ritual had commenced, and I for one am glad that it is still going strong to this day

I have seen Bibs grow up, if I can use those words, into the married man who proudly sits next to his wife here today. In the past, Bibs has certainly thought of himself as something of a ladies man – I was never quite sure the secret of his success, whether it was down to his inability to string two words together while attempted to talk to women, or the fact that women actually enjoy being molested within 5 minutes of meeting Mark, but he always seemed to do ok for himself.

For some bizarre reason most of our times together have been spent with a glass/bottle or both in hand and hence most of my hazy memories of us involve the demon drink…

A few years ago, Mark had had enough of his womanising ways, and I had just came out of relationship, so we decided to get away from it all and have a quiet little holiday in the quaint town of Malia, Crete. Anyway, we checked into our apartments, a lovely 1 star flat directly above a very busy pizzeria – we could tell it was busy because the funnel of the pizza oven pointed into our room and every time a pizza was cooking, our room would fill with smoke. Anyway, as you do on these holiday's, we decided to visit some of the local bars straight away. One beer became 2 became 6 and before we knew, we were both well on our way to enjoying ourselves. I somehow found our way back to our apartment having already lost Bibs but quickly collapsed when I got there.

Upon waking, Mark was still nowhere to be seen – his bed had clearly not been slept in, as I checked it and it was still dry. I was still lying there half an hour later when Mark staggered in and informed me of what had happened. Upon leaving a club, he had no idea where our apartments were but clearly remembered the name of them. Pouring himself into a taxi, he told the driver where he wanted to go, and was duly taken there. What he discovered in the morning was that he had added the work ‘las’ to our apartment name, and had been taken to the hotel he had asked for, which happed to be in the next resort – some 6 miles away. This wouldn't have been so bad but he obviously had not even made it to the hotel reception, instead collapsing against a palm tree where he was woken by a cleaner in the next morning. Anyway, he eventually made his was back and we enjoyed a brilliant holiday.

A similar drunken incident to this was repeated a year or so ago when after a cheeky Thursday night out, I received a call from Mandy early on Friday morning, asking if I knew where Bibs had got to. I had no idea I explained, he had dropped me off in a taxi and was continuing home. All was revealed when Mark walked in a while after our phone conversation – the taxi driver had dropped him off at the other end of his village, and Mark, in his drunken state had fallen into a ditch and spent the whole night asleep there, a fact proven when he made it home with half the contents of the ditch all over him – must be something to do with those gypsy family ties mate

I'd like to thank every one who came to Bibs stag do in Warsaw, everyone who came made it very easy for me to look after 20 lads, so thanks to all of you. It was a quiet, very sober affair, hopefully enjoyed by all. I must remark on how friendly the locals were, and I even managed to learn some of the local language while I was there which I think sums up the weekend nicely:

1/ 𔃼0 PIWA, PROSZE’ – 20 BEERS PLEASE

2/ ‘GDZIE JEST SOFIA'S CLUB?’ – WHERE IS SOFIA'S CLUB

3/ ‘SPRAWIAC PROSZE, JA MA PISSED POMOC’ – PLEASE HELP, I SEEMED TO HAVE PISSED MYSELF

I won't reveal the identity of the person that phrase is about, as I wouldn't want to spoil their wedding day…

Bibs – We have spent many, many great times &amp nights out together and look I forward to many more. I have so many happy memories of the times we have spent together, the time you attempted yard of ale on your birthday, the time you were overtaken by a 6 year old on the go karts at Blackpool and the time you tried to headbutt me, missed &amp fell over a wall – I'm sure the lads would like to say that any nights out without you in attendance are never quite the same.

Our respective wives always comment on how we seem to bring out the worst in each other, I think we bring out the best in each other – You have always been there for me when I've needed you mate and I thank you for that, you're more than a great friend to me, you really are like a brother to me

Anyway, on to the happy couple themselves. Mark and Mandy's eyes met on a moonstruck Saturday night in the local high class nitespot, Chicago's – Mandy must have been impressed with Mark's wooing techniques as it was soon obvious to all that this was the real thing, well, obvious to me because he wouldn't shut up about you Mandy! Things moved at a rapid pace and on a holiday to Cuba last year, Mark popped the question and here we all are today.

I think Mark &amp Mandy really do make a fantastic couple, and one that I'm sure will last for many years to come. Like any memorable double act – Homer &amp Marge Simpson, Jack &amp Vera Duckworth, and Rose &amp Fred West, they are proper soulmates &amp I cannot imagine one without the other

Mandy, you look absolutely beautiful today, a credit to your parents, Alan &amp Pauline, who I know are both hugely proud of you. In your career you have progressed fantastically into an area manager for the fashion store H &amp M, even working in Dubai this year which I know was an amazing experience for you. On a side note while talking about jobs, Bibs also has a hugely responsible job, supplying material for musicians, leisure industry &amp children, and the market he's in seems to be expanding rapidly – and I wish you luck with that GROOM MAKES FOAM FOR A LIVING

Right, I've bored you lot enough, so I'd just like to thank both of you for asking me to be your best man on this fantastic occasion. It's been a massive honour I've thoroughly enjoyed it and will never forget it. I'm sure everyone here will join me in wishing both of you many love filled years ahead of you, all the happiness in the world, and we all look forward to spending many more happy times with you.

So ladies &amp gentleman, if you could all be upstanding – please join me in a toast to the bride &amp groom, Mark &amp Mandy – MR &amp MRS BIBBY!!

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day