Speech by Paul Gilbert

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Gilbert
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, for those that don't know me, my name is Paul Wouldyoulikeadrink. Please feel free to say hello and call me by my full name later on.
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Andrew for his kind words, and I have to say they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely wonderful, especially my beautiful daughter Ellie Rose.
Secondly I would like to thank you all for coming today, and helping to make Andrew and Helen's day so memorable. Personally, I wish you had all stayed at home. It would have made my job far easier. But I think you would all agree, what a wonderful and emotional day it has been so far ………… Look even the cakes in tears. (Sorry that's as good as they get)
Actually, during the service today, I couldn't help thinking, that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 24 years ago Helen's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…(pause) and now it's happening again today. (At least you won't have Dotty to worry about tonight.)
When Andrew asked me to be his best man, I had no hesitation in saying yes and realized what an honour it would be, to be his best man.
And in the time honoured, best man tradition – I will now do my best, to give Andrew the most uncomfortable, 5 minutes of his life.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Andrew and Helen, that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.
Upon accepting this job, I decided to do some research on the internet, for advise on what a best man should do, and during my research, I found this interesting fact.
There are 3 key elements to the Wedding ceremony. Which are as follows as follows:
Firstly we have the Aisle – this is where the groom sees the bride for the first time on their wedding day.

Secondly the Altar – this is where the bride and groom take their vows, the vows that will last forever.

And lastly the Hymns – this is where we all rejoice in song to celebrate this wonderful day.
So as a memento for Helen to remember these 3 key elements of this speacil day I have bought her a little present.

Now this is the part of my speech, where I am supposed to tell you, all the embarrassing things about Andrew. Things like, when he was a baby, he was so ugly, his mum had to tie a bone around his neck, so the dog would play with him. Or about all the bananas his father got offered, every time he took Andrew outside. But I'm not going to do that.

So instead, I will tell you I have known Andrew for all of my life, literally, but for the last 13 years, I have lived away from home so I have had to rely on a couple of his friends, Tony and Lee for some dirt on him. After several hours discussing their past exploits, they could not come up with any funny stories on Andrew and decided he was as interesting, as beans on toast. So I have had to jog my own memory, and I have come up with a few little stories.

Well, we will start off with Andrew's nickname from home. It started as Drew, short for Andrew, then it went to Droopy, as in the cartoon, and ended up as Droopy Draws, so from now on this speech, he will be referred to as, Droopy Draws.

Droopy Draws did quite well at school, or so I thought, until I started reading, through some of his old school reports.

And here are some examples:

Geography
Droopy Draws is the only one in the class, who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst Droopy Draws is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
Droopy Draws's understanding of Christianity is very limited; so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Technical Drawing
Droopy Draws has always been a willing student but will always have trouble distinguishing between Inches and millimetres.

Before I read the cards I would like to read you an e-mail that Helen sent me prior to the
wedding…(produce email)

READING OF CARDS

Now for everyone here, the best part of my speech, the end.
I would like to finish off with a few words of wisdom.
Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and fight
A man is like a tiled floor – lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
A husband's last words should always be ‘YES DEAR’.
In a woman's dictionary an ARGUMENT is defined as
a discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realized it yet.

And finally, Droopy Draws, always try to help with the cleaning.
Pick up your feet when Helen's doing the vacuuming.
On a serious note, I would like to say to you both, “may your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever”.
Today is the day, when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is, there will be sad moments, as well as glad. Yet I know that today, we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between Andrew (I mean Droopy Draws) and Helen will be strong enough to last forever.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a toast to the happy couple, the Bride and Groom.