Speech by Paul Green

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Green
Speech Date: Oct2004
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Andy for his kind and thoughtful words. I'm sure we all agree that not only do the bridesmaids look fantastic, but they have done a brilliant job today – not the least of which was getting Lou to the church – I understand she put up quite a struggle!

Ladies and gentlemen, if there's anybody here this afternoon who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, it's probably because you have just got married to Andy Smith.

I'm sure you'll all agree that was a lovely service this afternoon. Very moving. So much so, even the wedding cake's in tiers. Sorry but the jokes don't get any better.

For those who don't know me my name is Paul – my full name is Paul WhatcanIgetyou and I'd appreciate it if everyone uses my full name when you meet me in the bar later on…..…

I must confess to being a little nervous as I stand before you, as public speaking has never been my thing. This is the sixth time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

I believe my main responsibilities for today were:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, ………sober, and ..… looking good
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm only the best man, and the raw materials I had and time allowed for ‘looking good’ was quite a challenge!
I work with Andy – Andy and I first met after I engaged head-hunters to find some of the best consultants in the computer business and they came up with Andy's name. I hounded Andy for some time to come for an interview and when we finally met I had no doubt in my mind .… I should have paid for better head-hunters…..…

Seriously Andy is the best in the business and I am honoured to be his best man. I think he asked me to be best man so he could get back at me for hiring him. He has called me an idiot on several occasions —— and now he wants me to stand here and prove it to everyone today. I'll try not to disappoint him……

It just occurred to me, as Andy was making his speech that today must be the first time he has stood up in front of as many people and not sent them to sleep talking about BSM or the benefits and efficiencies of PATROL Enterprise Manager – Well done Andy!

Seriously, Andy is good at his job, so good in fact that we all call him ‘God’ at work. He got this nick name for 3 reasons. 1. You never see him, 2. He makes his own rules, and 3. If he does any work, it's a bloody miracle..…

Sorry about that ‘bloody’ word, I shouldn't swear, you can rest assured that, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Andy and Lou that if there is anything slightly risqué in mine, I'll whip it out immediately……

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this traditionally the best man is required to reflect on the Groom's past life experiences and perform a complete character assassination – which is difficult in Andy's case because he's such a nice bloke. However, although I've only known Andy for 8 years this speech is co written by Andy's mum, his sister Jane and brother Phil so I have all the inside information I need to spill the beans……

Andy was once described to me as ARROGANT, CONCEITED, INSENSITIVE and SELFISH…and if anyone knows him – it's his mum!
That's not true. I know I would be in a lot of trouble if I didn't mention how supportive Andy had been to his Mum and his sister throughout the years. Unfortunately Andy's Dad is no longer with us but I'm sure if he was here today he would be very proud of Andy and happy for both Andy and Lou.

Andy has been there for his Mum and his sister through difficult times and they want everyone here to know how thankful they are and how much they appreciate having Andy as a son and brother. I am sure his support will continue for both of them – and now of course with Lou by his side.
I'd like to thank Andy's mum for digging out some old photos of Andy there was one particularly lovely photo of Andy at the seaside, sitting on a donkey, face painted like a clown, with an ice cream in one hand, candyfloss in the other, and crying his eyes out.

I was going to show you today, but thought it would be a little bit embarrassing – after all, it was taken in January earlier this year when he was in Australia at Bondi beach

I then asked his mum if she had any embarrassing pictures of Andy, and she replied ‘oh, do you mean the one's where he's showing his willy?’ I asked the hotel for a projector but I'm very sorry Andy – I tried as best I could, but no company in the UK had a projector powerful enough to blow them up so that we could actually see anything..… so that idea went out the window.(!)

Andy made a bit of a fuss about having to wear a pink tie today but I do have photo's of Andy wearing a pink shirt at school when he was about seven – with a pink tie – and even pink flared trousers on holiday in Italy when he was a teenager (don't worry Andy I won't mention the Welsh rugby team that put you to bed on that holiday) so I think Pink is a bit of a theme-colour for Andy – and he can't really complain today.

What did Andy get up too during his early years? Well Andy's mum and dad used be callers for country dancing and Andy would help set up the equipment for them. In fact Andy seems to have been a very helpful and thoughtful young man, helping with the shopping and learning to cook at an early age.

Which is all very wonderful but something changed around the time Andy went to Leeds University and became a ‘Goth’ with dyed black hair and drainpipe trousers. It was around this time that Andy first met Lou and their first fling was flung! – I heard she started a support group for anyone who knew Andy at that time – I'm not surprised it took another 20 years before Lou had the courage to meet him again and oh! what a surprise – the Mohican hair cut was gone in fact quite a bit of the hair cut was gone and black hair had turned to a suave, sophisticated grey. Lou was so shocked and confused I hear she was sick on their first reunion date and had to rush back to Leeds for an eye test.

I've never seen Andy as happy as since he met Lou again. They have been inseparable and make a wonderful couple. Obviously completely in love with each other so I was surprised when I heard they had a bit of a tiff about the seating plan for this reception.

They really couldn't decide who to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those guests who bought the biggest and most expensive items nearest the front, and work it back from there. This has completely backfired on me because after making my speech my wife and I have been asked to move from the top table to the bench at the back of the car park! We thought the ping balls and Malteasers were a good idea and would have looked good arranged on the mantelpiece, practical as well if you got hungry.… or needed to dash out for a game of table tennis.

I was warned by Lou not to loose or damage Andy on his Stag night – I had planned to cling film Andy naked to a lamp post but I had a trial run on myself at home and got so stuck with the damn stuff wrapped around me I had to go to the doctors for some help to get it all off. When the doctor saw me, standing there naked, covered in cling film he said ‘I can clearly see your nuts!’

So I gave up that idea……
I believe at this point I'm supposed to give Andy some advice on married life and what lies ahead

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…..and then do everything that Lou tells you

Secondly, you don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them”…And finally, try and get on with your mother in law.

Personally, I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 3 years now – I don't like to interrupt her.

I know Andy loves his music so I would like to take a little time to reflect on the music that was top of the charts when our dashing groom was born and took his first breaths in downtown Birmingham in 1964 – These were the No1 hits of that year and I think the titles reflect the events leading up to today, perhaps later tonight and even foresee the future

When Andy met Lou the No 1 titles were
"Oh, Pretty Woman" – Roy Orbison
"Hello Dolly" recorded by Louis Armstrong
"Baby Love" – The Supremes
"I Get Around" – The Beach Boys
For the wedding ceremony the hits were
"Goldfinger" – Shirley Bassey
"You Really Got Me" – The Kinks
For the celebrations later tonight we have
"Dancin’ In The Street" – Martha & the Vandellas
"Fun Fun Fun" – The Beach Boys
"Glad All Over" – Dave Clark Five
When the celebrations are over and Andy and Lou head for the matrimonial bedroom we have
"House Of The Rising Sun" – The Animals
"I Feel Fine"/"She's A Woman" – The Beatles
"A Hard Day's Night" – The Beatles
"Twist and Shout" – The Beatles
As a new day breaks fact Frankie Valley & the Four Seasons had hits with
"Dawn" – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
"Rag Doll" – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons
So Andy better look after Lou or he might find that Lou
"Walk on By" – Dionne Warwick
"She's Not There" – The Zombies
"It's Over" – Roy Orbison
"Under The Boardwalk" – The Drifters
But to celebrate Andy and Lou's marriage – the Beatles sang
"Can't Buy Me Love" – The Beatles
And we all agree with Dusty Springfield when she sang
"Wishin’ and Hopin’" – Dusty Springfield
Here's ‘Wishin and Hopin’ that Andy and Lou have the best of times together as Mr and Mrs Spiers.

CARDS
I would now like to read out some cards:
This card is from the Caribbean – Dear Andy and Lou we heard you are coming to visit us on your honeymoon – we are all in a swirl and can't wait to meet you – we promise to blow your socks off – from the Hurricane family: Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne.

Dear Lou,
Good luck on your wedding day, and hope we helped put a big white smile on your face – if your smile wasn't bright enough don't despair, due to our recent closure we have an extensive range of vicars teeth available for rent for your honeymoon. From Boots the Dentists in Staines.

Dear Andy,
I hope you are not going to forget us now you are married, from all the girls at the Hot Spice sauna and Massage Parlour, High Street Egham – 10% discount voucher enclosed for October. (put in pocket….Andy's away anyway…)

TOASTS
Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses for three separate toasts..
1, Firstly a toast to ‘Absent Friends and Family’
TOAST
2. Secondly a big thank you to Shelia and John and Brenda for their efforts to make today special and for raising two wonderful people. The toast is to ‘The Parents’.
TOAST
3. And finally I am sure everyone here today would like to wish the new Mr and Mrs Spiers good health, happiness and a wonderful life together, The toast is ‘Andy and Lou’
TOAST