Speech by Paul Grover

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Grover
Speech Date: Mar 2002
Introduction:
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a fantastic day so far, and thank you for your kind words Matthew

For those of you who don't know me, and as matt so eloquently introduced… I'm Paul the best man.

Duty:
Firstly, it's my duty as best man to thank M, on behalf B our lovely bridesmaid, for his kind words. In addition, I have to agree with you M N's done a great job today and you've made your family very proud.
A round of applause for n and b please.
So how did it arrive that I've ended up as the best man today.
Well the first time I clapped eyes on this beautiful couple, ok beautiful couple is pushing it, I should say the stunningly beautiful bride and her ermmmmmmm husband… was in a poorly lit bar in Greece.
From speaking to several of you today, it appears that the lovely couple met most of their friends in poorly lit bars. In fact, they themselves met whilst working in a poorly lit bar, J was the boss, M the junior …(nothing changed there then).
And cut a long story involving lilo's, mistaken nationalities, broken wrists, and baklava, short we all became good friends. For the full story make mine a JD and Coke and I'll see you at the bar after the speeches.
Unfortunately … sorry that should have said fortunately.. …they tracked me down when we returned from the holiday, and as fate would have it I soon moved to Bristol where me and M became drinking buddies. Several years on and here we are today.
Stag:
When M first asked me to be the best man, I knew J was really behind it. I expect the reasoning being that J has the impression that I'm a sensible, law abiding citizen. After all what trouble can a groom get into on his stag party when he has been entrusted to such a pillar of the community?
For those of you who weren't there may I suggest you watch Drunks from Hell next week on ITV One, and look out for the man dressed as a giant fairy who looks suspiciously like Mbeing pushed down Park Street in a wheeley bin,

On Line:
When I agreed to be the best man, I thought what a great honour, then I thought oh my god… I'm going to have to speak in front of 100’s of people. So I referred at a book on giving speeches and it suggested I imagine you all naked.
To be honest I can't stomach that thought on top of the amount of alcohol I've had so far, so now I'm imagining I'm the one who is naked. I hope I am only imagining it!
After sorting out how to deal with my nerves, my attention turned towards writing this speech, now having been a best man himself M gave me a few good suggestions, one of them to look up example speeches on the internet. How thoughtful I thought.. that was until I noticed the speech he suggested I look at was penned by a certain Mr D himself.
So what gems of wisdom did matt inflict on someone else's happy day, here are just a few.…
M, if you clever.
You'll always have the last word.
But, if you're very clever…
You won't use it.
J, treat him like a dog…
Feed him 3 meals a day,
Plenty of affection,
And a very tight leash.
And to both of you, never go to bed angry…
Stay up and fight
Names
Whilst on the internet seeking my own inspiration for this speech I did come across a web site that told me the meaning of names, so I thought what does M really mean?.
I was hoping it would turn up something that would make you all laugh.
M in fact means “gods gift”….its to late to laugh now J, you're the one who's married him. Also if M's God's gift I'd hate to see the consolation prize.
Then I turned to J, what treasures would it turn up, the beauty? the jewel?, the lucky?….well I'm sorry J but it doesn't mean any of those lovely things.
Justine means the ‘Just’, which means that she is both righteous and forthright . So M don't say you haven't been warned not to pick a fight

Reasons:
Then I got to thinking why are these two getting hitched, after all they already have the two kids, three if you include M, the flash car, a lovely house and good jobs, so why get married?
I suspect I know the real reason why these two have done it, and its got nothing to do with just being in love……If M is honest with himself ….(just look at the colour draining out of his cheeks) ……..it is because he could think of no other way of convincing J to go on a skiing holiday than to dress it up as a honeymoon!.
It was a much as I could do to day to get m to wear the tux, he was already dressed in his ski gear when I turned up this morning.
Cheap
Now I'm not saying M is cheap by any means , but his original idea for the dinner today was to pick up several family buckets from Kentucky Fried Chicken. Also the only time I've ever heard him get a round in is on the golf course…
Toasts – Lifts
As you may or may not know M works for a lift company, so before the toasts I have some wise knowledge that an old elevator technician once paced onto me.
Happiness in a marriage is like a lift, it can go up and it can go down.
So M my advice to you on your wedding night is to make sure you press all the right buttons and try not to let your cable go slack on the job.

So Here's to love, laughter
And happily ever after.
As Matt and Justine start their new life
Let's toast the new husband and wife.
"The Bride and Groom"