Speech by Paul Harris

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Harris
Speech Date: 2002 nov
Ladies and Gentlemen:

For those of you who do not know me, I am Philip's big brother Paul.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and attendants, may I thank you Philip for your kind words. I am sure that everyone present will agree that the bridesmaids look lovely – only surpassed by you, Joanne. Thank you also to the Vicar. I was a little bit worried that he might object to the fact that Phil and Joanne had had sex before marriage, but he reassured me that it wouldn't matter if it didn't delay the start of the ceremony.

I'd like to start by reading a few messages.

[read real cards then the following messages]

“Dear Joanne, wishing you luck – pity it didn't work out between us, it would have been wonderful” from Brad Pitt.

“Joanne, my love, you'll never know what you're missing” from Antonio Banderas.

“Phil. I've got the negatives. Marry me or else” from Joanne. Oops.

When Phil asked me to be his Best Man, I must confess that I declined at first. I didn't think I'd be up to it. “Here's £10” said Philip. I still didn't think I was the man for the job. “Make it £20” he said. “Philip” I said “it wouldn't be right”. At last he said “How about £50”. So. Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who do not know me, I am Philip's big brother Paul.

I have to admit to being rather nervous. After all, giving a speech at such an important occasion is like shagging her Majesty – a horrible job but someone has to do it. Luckily I have a bit of a weakness for old queens.…

What can I say about my brother? He's witty, intelligent, popular, charming, caring, [lean over to Phil] sorry Phil I can't read your writing.…

But Philip has not always been the luckiest in life. He sadly lost out when it came to inheriting our parents’ attributes. As you can see, it was I who got all of their dashing good looks. As a baby poor Philip looked more like Yoda! He was so damned ugly that Mum only started getting morning sickness after he was born.

Lesley took the lion's share of the intelligence. We often joke that she got half of the brains on offer, I got a third, and poor Philip was left with the rest. Whenever we were naughty, she was always too clever to get caught, I craftily pointed the blame at my younger, impressionable brother, and he duly took the blame.
But curiously this is where he discovered his love of sport – starting with running from an irate wooden-spoon-wielding mother! Though he soon found a hiding place for this spoon, didn't you Philip? Down the drain.

This sporting interest grew – notably of football, rugby and cricket. Though it has often been said that he was useless at every position, his tackle was inadequate, and he couldn't stand the pace. Good luck Joanne!

He played for Stamford Town Cricket Club. Well, sometimes. I am reminded of one occasion – reminded, that is, by Mum, who always forgives but never forgets! He left home for a match one Saturday, only he never came back. Mum waited and waited, getting more and more worried, and as darkness fell, she called the police to ask if there had been any reports. He eventually returned of his own accord, safe and sound, once he could tear himself from the arms of his girlfriend where he'd spent the day!

This wasn't his first run-in with the boys in blue. They once brought him home before Mum had called for their help. He was – somewhat prematurely – doing his bit to stamp out Foot and Mouth. By setting light to the town cattle market.

No, but seriously, he is a man of hidden talents. And as soon as I find one, I'll let you know! He is also a man of vision. Usually blurred or double, but that doesn't worry him. Though he's always careful to cover his tracks, isn't that right Uncle John? He's good a hiding the [sound of being sick] evidence of his night out, even if it means using the gravel in the front garden!

Lately his luck has improved. And this is why we are all here today. I have been doing some research into sayings about marriage, and found these. They say that:

marriage is an institution, that marriage is love, and that love is blind. Well, in my books that makes marriage an institution for the blind!

that you marry for better or for worse. Well, Philip could not have done better, and Joanne couldn't have done… any better either!

that men are like fine wine. They start out like grapes and it's a woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

and that women are also like fine wine. They start off all fresh and fruity and intoxicating to the mind, then they turn full-bodied with age until eventually they go all sour and bitter, eventually giving you a sore head.

I also read that the 3 most important things about a wedding are:

the aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
the altar – the place where 2 become 1
the hymn – the celebration of the marriage.

I think Joanne must have read that same book as I keep hearing her saying “Aisle, altar, hymn; I'll, alter, him!”

I must apologise for all these wise cracks about marriage. As a confirmed bachelor, I know nothing about being happily married. But then, nor do most husbands!

However I am assured that Philip and Joanne have an excellent way of settling arguments. He admits he's wrong and she admits she's right. But Philip, a word to the wise.If you're clever, you'll always have the last word. And if you're really clever, you'll never use it!

But look at the happy couple. You can see that this is a union characterised by purity and simplicity. Joanne is pure, and Philip is… a really nice guy.

And a brother of whom I am proud. A brother whose good luck it was to have met you, Joanne. You have been a welcome member of our family for some time now, and today's celebrations reconfirm this.

Seeing as you now represent the next generation of Mrs Harris’ to keep a Mr Harris in check, I have great pleasure in presenting you with this [wooden spoon].

Ladies and Gentlemen: I give you the Bride and Groom.