Speech by Paul Haughney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Haughney
Speech Date: Nov 2001
Best Man's speech

Introduction:
Ladies and gentlemen, before I start I've been asked to make the following announcements:
Will the owner of Toupee, Serial Number: 327187, kindly collect it from reception, as it's confusing the hell out of the cat.

I have good news and bad new….…
first the good news…
After the speeches I have been asked to sing a song…
That was the good news.…
and that'll give you some idea of how bad the bad news is!

By the way, the song I've been asked to sing is that lovely standard; “I'm dancing tonight with tears in my eyes, cos the girl in my arms is a boy”

Ladies & Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name is Paul, and I've obviously been honoured with the job of best man. Incidentally, I'm not actually married myself. I just look this way because I've been very ill recently.

You can probably tell I'm a little nervous. In fact this is the fifth time today I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Firstly, thank you for those kind words Mike
Also, on behalf of the Bridesmaid, Karen, I'd like to thank Mike for his kind words.

In fact I gave Mike some advice before he stood up to make his speech. I said that he should imagine that all the people in front of him were naked… it wouldn't calm his nerves but he may feel strangely excited. That probably explains why he was grinning all the way through his speech!
In fact I think he might still be strangely excited!

I must say what a wonderful day it has been so far. Earlier at the ceremony and even now Nicola, can I just say you look absolutely stunning!
And Mike, well, you just look absolutely stunned!

And what a charming ceremony it was today. I don't think you could have chosen a better setting, or such an entertaining Registrar. She was a right bag of laughs!. In fact I was chatting to the registrar before the wedding and being a good Catholic boy I asked of his thoughts about sex before marriage.… She looked round and leaned across and whispered, “I have no problems with that whatsoever, provided it doesn't hold up the ceremony”

To be serious for a moment: Today I'd like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to a man who embodies many positive attributes: Intelligence, ambition, tact, generosity, and integrity. However, as it's Mike's wedding it's only fair that I talk about him instead!!! [laughter]

Michael Jonathan Dimelow is a man who knows where he's going…… and he knows where he's been.… He just doesn't know where he is!

Now before I really get into the life of Mike I'd like to share with you an article I read in a local newspaper this week, and it said that:

“Scientists have now found a link between, Sex, Marriage and Astrology.

Apparently, I've you've been married for over 25 years sex happens once in a blue moon!”

Mikes Childhood
So where do we start? Lets go back to day 1, the day Mike was born, 21st May 1971, or as Mike's parents commonly refer to it: Black Friday!
Looking at him today, all suited and booted, looking very much the Prince Charming, it's hard to imagine that he was a deeply (Exaggerate Deeply) ugly baby. In fact he was so ugly, that when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.
His parents were very disappointed when Mike came into the world.…
they'd set their hearts on a golden retriever.
As a child he was fondly remembered by his parents for always asking question after question. In fact this morning a little of that child returned to him as when I passed the bathroom I overheard him saying Why me lord? Why me?
He was a slow starter…
at junior school, Mike was different from all the other five year olds.…
he was eleven!

Mikes schooldays
By the time he was fourteen, his Mum and Dad were very concerned about his performance at school..…
He wasn't just falling behind, he was being lapped!
When friends asked them what they thought
Mike would be after he left school, they used to say; “About Thirty Five!”
In fact a number of school reports bear out some of those remarks about Mike:
Maths report: Although very keen, Mike has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres! Nicola tells me he still has the same problem to this day!
Religious education: Mike's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins. (Actually a big thanks to Chris for helping Mike clears that one up a few weeks ago on the Stag weekend.)
History: Despite his enthusiasm this pupil catches a train of thought by leaping into the guards carriage as it pulls out of the station. He is a likeable pupil but if he says to me nostalgia is a thing of the past one more time I'm going to smack him.
Sports: Mike has a great love of football but unfortunately he is useless in most positions. Well, no change there then!
Music: Mike got on very well with his music teacher Ms Beaver. And one of his last reports at school read: “Mike takes a very hands on approach to music, but I'd wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in a band rather than himself”. (Not sure what the music teacher meant by that but this leads nicely onto Mikes Teenage years:

Mikes teenage years
The whole time I've known Mike, he's always been probably the straightest guy I know. Not once have I ever doubted this mans sexuality, until I saw the photos in front of you. Taken during his teenage years. I believe a picture speaks a 1000 words and if you open the sheet in front of you then I'm sure you'll agree that 10, 000 words couldn't do justice to those pictures.
Mike certainly did look the part and through a good part of his teenage years it was his fascination with the rock band Bon Jovi that was to keep him banging away with his friend Jason (no pun intended) in his bedroom, making music, until the small hours.
If you take a close look at the photographs I'm sure you're all be glad to know that Mike's stoop has improved dramatically over the years. In fact wearing trousers that were 3 sizes too small for him caused this initial stoop. A problem he no longer suffers from, as Nicola has now assumed responsibility for wearing the trousers!.
Now, after seeing those pictures I don't want anyone getting carried away so please at any stage DO NOT throw any underwear at Mike under any circumstance. The last time that happened he came out in nasty face rash and I'd like to take this opportunity to once again apologise to Mike for that but as I said back then, “what the hell are you doing under my bed in the first place!”
Anyway, apart from this episode in his teenage years it was pretty quiet and it's into his work career where I first met Mike.

When I first met Mike
It was during my time at a company called RCC Consultants when both of us were in West London. In fact I got to know Mike very well and I'd like to say that I was not so much a brother but more of a mother to him. In fact on many occasion:
I watched him drink from a bottle
I watched him stagger around naked
I watched him crawl
I've dressed and undressed him
Cleaned up after him
And several times helped him to walk.
It was also at RCC that I learned of his nickname God. In fact I thought it was down to the translation of his name Michael, which comes from the Hebrew name Mikha'el meaning, "who is like God?"

However, the reason he was called God was that he was very rarely seen and if he ever turned up at the office it was a bloody miracle.
By the way, I also looked up the meaning of Nicola's name and discovered (and I'm not surprised by this) that Nicola is actually a derivation of the Italian name Nicholas, meaning Successful Commander

Where and How Mike and Nicola met
But it was also during his time at RCC that he also met Nicola and after much cajoling he wouldn't tell me much about when he first met Nicola but what I have gathered from him and the rest I've (made up.… sorry….pieced together from conversations with other friends. (honest! I haven't made any of this up!)

They met at a club called The Leadmill where Mike was trying his charm with the ladies. And on one occasion this very attractive lady (a.k.a Nicola) walked by and Mike stunned her with one of his best one liners: (Say in a drunken voice)“You've got lovely eyes” as opposed to “If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me” which he used in-advertently earlier that night on a hairy-knuckle transvestite. In fact he told me later that in hindsight he should have known sooner something was amiss, with this particular “woman” as he wondered why he had a bad case of stubble rash after the slow dance.)

However, not to be setback by the transvestite incident, when Mike saw Nicola again he followed up with yet another Sheffield classic of “Can I borrow your drink?” at which point Nicola went weak at the knees and nearly fainted. Not because she had fallen head over heals in love, which was to happen shortly after, but because Mikes flies were undone and his Pooh the Bear boxer shorts were sticking out at half-mast. Nicola had nearly fainted through laughing and the rest as they say is history!
[Pause] Nearly there ladies and gentlemen. I have a few cards to read out before the final toast so I'll only be a few more minutes.

Finishing words:

I have a few cards to read out and few words of wisdom before we offer up the final toast:

Cards:

Serious card

This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips
(Thanks for that one Chris!)

Serious card

I hope your marriage is blessed with luck
And trust that Nicola is a very good.… cook
I hope that Mike is willing and able
I recommend the top of the table
(Not signed)

I've written down a few words of wisdom:
For Nicola: Men are like a fine wine…they start out as grapes, but it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with.
For Mike: Behind every successful man there is a confused mother-in-law.
(Make out that both of the above came from the brides mother.)

Evening activities
The DJ will kick off at around 7.30ish and finishing at Mid-night(ish). A coach will be picking up people from 2 locations. Hellaby Hall and the Red Lion. Picking up first at Hellaby Hall at 7.30 and then onto the Red Lion. The coach will then pick up guests at 12.30am to return them to the Red Lion and Hellaby Hall.
The first dance will be around 8.30ish for those wanting to get some pictures of Nicola and Mike on the floor and there will also be food served around 9pm.

Final Toast (IMPORTANT!!! Check that everyone has a drink to toast before continuing)
Before I offer up the final toast I'd like to say that Mike's been a great friend to me over the 5 years I've known him. There are many things as a friend I admire about Mike, he is the most level headed man I know and along with his generosity and determination there is one other thing that stands out and that is his appreciation of quality. And today Mike you've really surpassed yourself, as I'm sure everyone will agree, you have found a lady of true quality in Nicola.

Mike, it's been an honour and a privilege to be your best man today and I hope that one day I'll be asking you to return the same honour to me.

Now, it gives me great pleasure (and immense relief) to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses:
Nicola and Mike “May your years ahead prosper with love, affection, health & happiness, which you both richly deserve”.… To Nicola and Mike.