Speech by Paul Hickman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Hickman
Speech Date: Jul2007
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls. I am indeed Paul the best man, and welcome to the wedding.

In the run-up to today, Mark and Kat had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide who to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those who bought the biggest items nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there, thank you to for the oven glove.

Firstly, I would like to say a big thank you to the bridesmaids – Fiona, Lisa and Katie B, who look absolutely stunning, and are only rightly outshone by the bride herself. I would also like to thank the flower girl Amelia, who looks lovely, and did a great job of throwing stuff all over the floor of the church.
Thanks to Jenny and Keith for the music at the ceremony earlier
Well done to JP and Ritchie – the ushers – for getting everyone organised and in their seats.
And indeed thanks to all the staff here at
And I'd like to thank everyone here for attending. It still amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.

Some of you may have heard me refer to Mark as Gino, and I'd like to explain why. I first met Mark at University, and with his wavy hair and dark complexion he looked pretty foreign to a boy from Wigan where the idea of culture is eating a pie with a knife and fork.
As I said I met Mark at University College of S Martin in Lancaster in 1995. On my first day I was obviously felling a little apprehensive about how I would get on at an educational institution. However I soon met Mark who knew little about education, but a lot about institutions!
It was very obvious that Mark was more outgoing and artistic than the majority of us in the halls of residence – whilst we were decorating our rooms with posters of Oasis and Anna Friel – he had painted an entire mural over the wall of his room.

At college Mark surprisingly enough studied drama, however I feel that his success is partly due to me. Those who know Mark will be aware that he is not an early morning person. Each Wednesday we had a lecture at the unbelievably early time of 9am. I had to bang away at his door till eventually he let me out!, and even made him a cup of tea to make sure got up and we made it to the lecture. We would end up running to the theatre each week late. The sad thing was we lived on campus at the time!

Anyway, he did well and has many wide and varied parts in his career to date… from Buttons in Cinderella in 2005 at Manchester, to playing Buttons in Cinderella in Ashton in 2006!
He can currently be seen as a brainless looking professor on the Bran Flakes advert, which I have heard suits him. Now as his best man I feel I must say in all the years I've known him, I can honestly say that no one has questioned Mark's intelligence. In fact I've never heard anyone even mention it!

Over the years his aptitude for organisation has not got better. A couple of years ago I myself got married, however Mark and Kat never made it to the do as his car broke down on the way. After a great deal of research I managed to get the notes made by the AA man who attended. He looked at the car and said “There's something up with your clutch”, Marks reply was allegedly, “Don't ask me – I never use it”
Another example of great organisation was the stag do in Devon – on the weekend of the worst flooding in the country's records.
Mark decided that it would be nice to take a boat across the estuary. After filling the motor engine with “A bit of this and some of that” we finally managed to get across the lake.

Mark had decided that a game of golf would be good fun, and we set off to go “Just around the corner”. However, he had forgotten the name of the golf course, the road it was on, and only remembered that it was on the same map square as the estuary! “Not to worry” said Mark, “I've got GPS on my phone”. Indeed that would have been very handy however he had left the phone back in the cottage! After going “around the corner” for about an hour we made it.

On the way back across the estuary Chris, Richard and Dan set off for the other side, but somehow left one of the oars with the rest of us. This would have been fine, had the engine not conked out about &#190 of the way across! Not to worry though as Mark was in his canoe and began to tow the boat towards the shore. Unfortunately, there were 4 of us now stranded, although we didn't know it at the time. Using his silver tongue, Ritchie managed to get a boat full of drunks to go over to us in order to take us across. As we had no idea what was going on, and the crew were drunk an amount of shouting went on. Hearing the shouting Mark decided we must need help and said to Chris who was still without a motor, and only had one oar, “Quick, we must go and help them!”

I have heard that Kat is a good cook, which is really a God send, as Mark certainly isn't. Whilst at Uni it was Mark's job to cook and mine to go around the house and remove the batteries from the smoke alarms.
He insists that the dishes he slaves over for hours are cruelty free. Now I disagree – I'm sure his tuna bake could do some damage in the wrong hands…

As for food – I hope you all enjoyed the meal – we were going to have prawn sandwiches, but I believe Roy Keane wouldn't have approved!

You will probably be thinking that the speech is so far directed at poor Mark, and you would be right. I have only had the pleasure of meeting Kat on a few occasions, and she was disappointingly lovely each time. Even her brothers were of no use at supplying tales of debauchery at the Stag Do. Therefore I can honestly say Kat, that you are a clever, warm and lovely woman who deserves a good husband. And thank God Mark married you before you found one.

E-mails and stuff

Before I finish, I would like to give you something to think about..
I heard a young child asking her mother “Mummy, why is the bride all in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the colour of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life”
The child paused, and then said, “Well, why is the groom all in black…”

And finally: Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, says something very profound about the secret essence of a truly happy and harmonious marriage. But it was in Chinese, unfortunately, so I never quite got it. Instead, let me simply ask you to be upstanding as we toast…’

To Mark and Kat – the new Mr and Mrs Pearce.