Speech by Paul Hotmail

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Hotmail
Speech Date: sep 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen / MESDAMES ET MESSIEURS DE BON APRÈS-midi
For those of you that don't know me, my name is Paul and I've known Andy for about 11 years.
I would like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Isabella and Andy's wedding day such a memorable and special occasion.
On behalf of Isabella and Andy I would like to thank the Matron of Honour Nata and all the Bridesmaids for doing a Fantastic job today, all of them look absolutely beautiful. I'd also like to say that Isabella looks stunning today as I'm sure you will all agree and Andy doesn't clean up so bad himself. Thanks also to Father Francesco for a job well done.
When Andy first asked me to be his best man my first reaction was that I would be honoured to do this for him! When I realized that I would have to speak to an audience that swiftly changed to terror. To combat this I searched the Internet for some advice on how to be a best man but ended up getting sidetracked into other internet sites, but I won't go into that either as there are children present.
Tradition has it that the best mans speech is designed to perform a complete character assassination and embarrass and humiliate the groom. But as Andy does this so well himself on a regular basis I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you all what a kind and, caring and thoughtful man he is. After weeks of trying, and all I'd got was “Andy is a kind caring and thoughtful man”, I thought I'd revert back to plan A
Andy was born on Sunday the 13th of November 1966, and is the youngest of Three Siblings. Looking at him today it's not too big a stretch of the imagination to say that he was an extremely ugly baby. In fact he was so ugly that his mum didn't start getting morning sickness until after he was born.
Andy was a slow starter. At Playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds, he was 11.
When he was 14 his mum was concerned that he was falling behind at school. Although he wasn't just falling behind, he was getting lapped.
This general lack of intelligence was reflected in some of his school reports, which I have a copy of and they read as follows:
Mathematics: Although very keen, Andy has a distinct problem telling the difference between inches and millimetres! Isabella tells me he still has the same problem to this day! This explains why he thinks he's got an 18mm waist and a 30” penis.
Religious Education: Andy's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Music: Andy takes a very hands on approach to music, but I'd wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing the instruments rather than with himself”.
Sports: I couldn't find a report card for this, so I called his old School in Blackpool and asked his Phys. Ed. teacher Mr Grudzien if he remembered Andy. He said “yes I do, a chubby lad with unusually small genitalia and no football ability”.
It's fair to say that for Andy it's not always been plain sailing, for example he has had a few health problems recently. He's just spent six days in hospital in the premature ejaculation unit….… apparently it was touch and go at one stage.
So what else can I say about Andy?
Well, he's:
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
Successful
Han.. Han … Sorry mate; I'm having trouble reading your writing.
Now – I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a best man at a wedding before (pause) but I wonder how many of you Have ever received written guidelines from the bride to be?!!!!
I would like to read you an e-mail that Isabella sent me prior to the
wedding…(produce email)
Hi Paul, I was very pleased when Andy asked you to be best man at our wedding. I
instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known you for
some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent,
good looking and downright sexy than you to fulfill this crucial role on
our big day.
As we get close to the wedding day, most tasks have been taken care of but
there are two areas that do cause me a little concern………….Your
speech and your conduct.
I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes
a certain amount of fun at Andy, with stories and jokes about his past
exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I
don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.
With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all
have a wonderful day:
DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Andy sing
DO NOT mention Andy's little problem
DO NOT let Andy drink Tequila
DO NOT let Andy drink Rum
As a matter of fact DO NOT let Andy drink at all.
Finally,
Make sure you keep your clothes on and
Make sure Andy keeps his clothes on
Love
Isa
READING OF CARDS
I would now like to read out some e mails and cards from people that couldn't make it.
“Andy, you can come and clean my car seats anytime”. From Belinda
“To Andy, we could have made a great couple”. From Ric Vila
“To Andy this so could have been me if I had just logged in earlier that night” Idaho. TTFN.

Some real ones.

TOASTS
Firstly I'd like to say to Andy that I have enjoyed our great friendship for the past 11 years, and know that this friendship will continue for the rest of our lives. And I would also like to say what an honour it has been for me to be your best man today.
If I can now ask you to remain seated but raise your glasses I'd like to make a few toasts. Firstly to the Bridesmaids who look lovely and have done a great job today. Thank You
To the Bride and Grooms Mothers for this very special day. Thank You
It now gives me great pleasure to invite you to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Andy and Isabella, the new Mr and Mrs Crawford.
‘Sláinte go saol agat’ Health for life to you
May you live as long as you like and have all you like for as long as you live.
‘Mieux de la chance’ Best of luck
The Bride and Groom.

Hi Paul, I was very pleased when Andy asked you to be best man at our wedding. I
instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known you for
some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent,
good looking and downright sexy than you to fulfill this crucial role on
our big day.
As we get close to the wedding day, most tasks have been taken care of but
there are two areas that do cause me a little concern………….Your
speech and your conduct.
I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes
a certain amount of fun at Andy, with stories and jokes about his past
exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I
don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.
With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all
have a wonderful day:
DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Andy sing
DO NOT mention Andy's little problem
DO NOT let Andy drink Tequila
DO NOT let Andy drink Rum
As a matter of fact DO NOT let Andy drink at all.
Finally,
Make sure you keep your clothes on and
Make sure Andy keeps his clothes on
Love
Isa