Speech by Paul James

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul James
Speech Date: 09/11/2011 13:24:13

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is a pleasure to have been asked to be Matt's Best Man today.  And when I was asked, I have to admit, it was a bit of a surprise.  Matt told me that he'd planned to sit me down and ask me formally.  But in the end he just blurted it out after a few pints!

Thankfully, the proposal didn't happen that way….  Holly told Matt he was to ask her and that was that!  Seriously, it wasn't quite like that and I'll return to that subject later.

First of all, I'm delighted to respond to the toast on behalf of the bridesmaids, who look particularly gorgeous today as, of course, does the Bride.

I've known Matt for well over 20 years, since our time at The Crypt School, but even that isn't long enough to do this speech justice without some additional research.

I didn't know quite how fearless Matt was in his early years.  I'm told he jumped off the wall into the pool as a two year old, before even learning to swim, and splattered his way to the side.  As he got older, he progressed to jumping off rocks, the rocks got bigger, the splashes got louder and his parents’ heartbeat became faster.

Much of this took place at the family's home in Majorca, which is also where Matt first discovered alcohol.   As a 14 year old, he tried to keep up with the Gloucester gang, who were all older than him, but inevitably came off worst.  On one particular occasion he made his way home from the bar in a shopping trolley and was found abandoned in a car park!  I guess that's where the phrase “getting trolleyed” comes from!  I'm told that it wasn't a particularly smooth ride home from the bar, so no wonder Matt, a few years later, took three attempts before passing his driving test!

But it wasn't always the booze that got Matt into trouble.  To his parents’ surprise, Matt didn't follow in his brother's footsteps by being sent home from a school course at Cowley Manor for being in the pub.  He got sent home for being in the girls’ bedroom…..  Not on his own I might add – was he Abby?

As Matt has got older, he's had to abandon his party lifestyle for more gentle pursuits.  He's gone from listening to the Red Hot Chilli Peppers to growing chillies in the garden.  From knocking back pints in the pub, to knocking down skittles in the pub.  From spending his Fridays in the nightclub to spending his Fridays with the Rotary Club.  And from propping up the bar to being a pillar of the community.

Matt does try to cling to his youth.  He's still a bit of a gadget freak!  He's had an I-Pod, two I-Pads, an I-Phone and an I-Touch.  He's generously got Holly her own piece of technology – an I-Ron. 

And given half a chance, he'd have used a gadget to take the place of today's ceremony – it hasn't been developed yet but will probably be called the I-Do.

It wouldn't have been too much of a problem getting the most of the gents to take part in a virtual wedding, given that Matt frequently meets up with many of them online on the X-Box.  But, thankfully, Matt knows that the “Call of Duty” is occasionally something other than a computer game!

Of course, Holly can get her own back on all of this techno-freak stuff.  If Matt steps out of line, she's threatened to sell him on the internet.  But, unless I heard wrongly, she stopped short of changing the vow to “Love, Honour and Ebay” him!

Matt has long had a fascination with Star Wars – whether it is playing computer games or collecting the toy figures.  This theme extended into the stag night, where he was dressed up as a Jedi Knight.  He's never had so many young ladies (and not so young ladies) want to grab hold of his lightsabre!  Apparently the Jedi Master warned of the dangers of being seduced by the Dark Side.  But these youngsters never listen!

Still, Matt's own stag night was probably less demanding than James's send-off in Barbados – when Matt had to act as the Stag when his brother forgot his passport.  I'm told that he ended up dancing with one of the local ladies – right under the nose of her partner.  Apparently after a few pints this lady was a body double of Rihanna, but in the cold light of day looked more like Rusty Lee!

I'm relieved you laughed at that, because I did wonder how many of you would know who Rusty Lee was.  When I searched for alternatives and put “Big Black Ladies” into Google, it directed me to some very interesting websites!

Aside from Star Wars, one of Matt's favourite pieces of viewing in recent times has been Spartacus.  It's a programme on Sky One which is described as a “historical portrayal of ancient Roman society”. I understand it is something of a guilty pleasure as the girls are scantily-clad and the men spend all their time fighting – which sounds a bit like Eastgate Street on a Saturday night.

While Matt has tried his best to cling onto his youth, he hasn't been able to hold onto his hair.    But that's nothing to be embarrassed about.   Balding grooms are very much in vogue this year.  Holly always dreamt of marrying someone who looked like a Prince.  And now her wish has been granted – even if he only looks like a Prince from above!

One of the reasons Matt tries to cling to his youth is because he has been a bit of a late starter in life.  He's not married until reaching the grand old age of 38.  Not that I'm in a position to crow about that.  He left home at age 31 – and with a whole floor to himself, use of a swimming pool and his own beer fridge, who came blame him?  And when his friends were asked what they thought Matt would be when he left school, they said, “About 28”. I'm joking about the last bit.

Matt and Holly met around 5 years ago.  When Holly started working at Cass-Stephens, Matt was off for his back operation.  But they started to get closer at the Christmas Party and at a work night out, before their first proper date at the rugby.  Matt promised to show her a good time.  After working in the insurance business for so long, you'd have thought Holly would be able to spot a dodgy claim.  But she went along with it.

Well the date wasn't just the rugby, but it also included a pizza, a friend's party and two Cadbury's Crème Eggs!  The role of Cadbury's Crème Eggs in helping people to find their life partners is well-documented – hence the advertising slogan, “How Do You Meet Yours?”

And at 12 hours long, it was a competitor for the longest first date in history!

Matt turned on the style for the proposal and, inevitably, it involved a piece of technology with an “I” in it – the London Eye.  He took Holly on a theatre trip for a belated 30^th birthday present, popping the question as they looked out over the London Skyline with Pink Champagne replacing the beer and Chocolate Truffles instead of Crème Eggs.

Matt and Holly are such a well-suited couple because they share the same values.  When I probed a bit further about what this meant I was told, “We want the same things out of life..… And we're both afraid of our mothers!”   I think that's what, in the old days, they called “respect”.

Having known Matt for such a long time, I know what a kind, caring, decent, honest and fun person he is.  And Holly is lucky to have such a gem of a bloke as her husband, just as Matt is lucky to have such a cracking girl as his wife.

The note on the invitation card couldn't give a much stronger hint when it says “contributions towards extending our house into a family home”.  I'm giving the planning permission…..  And, of course, we look forward to that happening.

But one thing at a time.   And today is all about you pledging your lives to each other.  In doing so, on behalf of all the guests, we wish you both all the happiness in the world.  So, Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding one final time to toast the Bride and Groom, the new Mr & Mrs Cass….Matt and Holly!